This week - movie references. Part 1/2
Dec 13, 2020 16:10:36 GMT -5
Teo Blaze and Stuart Slane like this
Post by Andre Jenson on Dec 13, 2020 16:10:36 GMT -5
Hi folks, narrator here. Back again with another day in the great life of “The King of Kem, the Darth Vader of childcare, the field of dreams” Andre Jenson.
Today, Andre is driving along on his way to the Bates Motel to pick up his most awesomely best bud Teo Del Sol, Blaze, or whatever he wants to call himself this week. Teo, for his part, is standing outside the motel, playing a mobile game. He nonchalantly throws and catches an apple with his other hand while he does. He looks up just as Jenson’s voice booms out from a giant megaphone that’s atop of a 70s police car. Jenson has a shit eating grin as Teo raises his eyebrows.
“YOU THERE, PUT DOWN THE CANDY CRUSH” Shouts Jenson
Teo slides across the bonnet of the car (hood) and opens up the passenger door (from the wrong side, why is it on the right?) He smoothly slides in the passenger seat and closes the door.
“You pick me up in a cop car?” He asks
“Course, it has cop shocks, cop engine, cop brakes, cop tyres.” Replies Jenson
“You copped out.”
“Obviously.”
Jenson rummages in a bag behind him and hands Teo a Cornetto. It’s strawberry.
“What’s this for?” Asks Teo
“Sustenance, it’ll be fine. Don’t worry.” Is the obvious response.
“Thanks.” Teo starts to tuck into his cornetto.
“Where are we going anyway?” Asks Jenson, who has no idea why he’s here or what day it is.
“I need to go to the bank.”
“The blood bank?”
“No. What’s wrong with you today?”
“I, my underhanded friend, have been getting into the mindset of tag teams. I came to realise that it’s been a long time since we dominated and obliterated everyone so I have been getting back into the groove.”
Teo has a slightly sinking feeling as he thinks he knows what’s coming next.
“Let me guess.” He starts.
“Yup, buddy cop movies, Lord of the Rings Marathon and in a moment of weakness I also watched Jerry McGuire.”
“OK.”
“By the way.”
“Yeah?”
“You got red on you.”
Jenson starts to drive, wildly swinging out into the road and driving the wrong (right) way down the street.
“Watch the road!” Teo exclaims
“Where we’re going, we don’t need roads, Teo.” Comes the enthusiastic retort.
“Put me back in the fridge”
“So, we need to strategise for the Following. Or is it the Swallowing?”
“The Following.”
Jenson frowns at this new bit of information.
“Oh. OK, well my idea needs to change a little bit. I was going to come up with an elaborate scheme involving cat fishing. Have you ever seen the parent trap?” He continues
“No.” Teo responds, half thinking about how it would have been easier to get a subway to the bank.
“Well it would have been like that. But I guess we gotta come up with a different plan for the Following.”
“Well, that’s OK, because I actually have a plan!”
“OK! So I’m thinking we lure them to a house in the suburbs right, but set a bunch of traps all over the place, like with paint and dodgy planks and stuff like…..”
“No.”
“OK So we get three ghosts and.”
“No.”
“OK, fine. I have it. We build some catapults and grab some hobbits then we take the following to Mordor.”
“What?”
“Yeah good point, the following has Dandy in it doesn’t it?”
“I don’t follow”
“Well, you know in Lord of the Rings they have to beat the bad guys by taking the ring to Mordor and casting the ring into the fire of Mount Doom?”
“Yeah?”
“Right, so we’re Sam and Frodo, we’re heading to Mount Doom and having a jolly good time.”
“OK? You are going to say that the Following are Sauron right?”
Jenson laughs, somewhat uncontrollably for a few minutes.
“No my dear friend.” He begins while he calms down. “They are not, not by a long shot.”
“Who are they then?” Teo is intrigued at this point
“Saruman and Gollum.”
“Saruman…..and Gollum?”
“Yes.”
Teo scratches his head, this combination is something that he, like the ring being picked up by the most unlikely suspect in Bilbo Baggins did not expect.
“Explain please?” He asks
“OK. So Saruman saw the ultimate power of Sauron and figured he couldn’t go against that so he ended up raising an army of orcs and joined Sauron because of the ol’ can’t beat em, join em, mindset right? At least in the films, in the books he went for power on his own and wasn’t in thrall to Sauron.”
“Right?”
“So yeah raising an army of followers and getting them to do all they can to help you fight your enemies, knowing that you did it because you’re scared of someone? That sounds like Kemp yeah? I mean he literally created the following because he was too scared to go alone, he needed the security and comfort of people following him, even if it was only Chase Jackson and Hot Shot Wayne Austin. It was all born from a lust for power and safety really. It goes without saying that Dandy is Gollum. I don’t need to explain that one to you at all do I?”
Teo is agape, trying to think about what he’s hearing. He sighs.
“I...I guess you do.” Teo pinches his nose as Jenson gleefully smiles.
“OK, well, you know how Gollum started out as Smaegol, that riverfolk that was not exactly unlike a hobbit, then saw the ring and killed his friend to get it, corrupting him over years and turning into a corrupted shell and only living for the ring. Well that’s just like Dandy right? Middle class, nice lad who has everything he ever needs and one day gets given meth and then the next thing you know he has no hair, lives in a cave and gibbers incoherently to all that will listen and will bite your head off for absolutely no reason other than you looked near to him one day.
This is why he was recruited by Kemp by the way, and the fundamental reason why Saruman failed. If he bothered to recruit someone like Gollum instead of growing uruk-hai then he might have fulfilled his own personal objectives. Basically if you have a nasty little horror on your side who’ll glady bite someone’s face off then you’re doing a better job as an evil villain if you ask me.
This is why Kemp is more effective than Saruman, he is smart. He doesn’t alienate the crazy people, he brings them into the fold and drops his home brew creations like Hot Shot Wayne Austin, he upgrades them. This is why the following are dangerous my friend, because Kemp is Saruman, if Saruman was smart enough to bring Gollum.”
“Right. So you are saying that because Dandy is a vicious sociopath who’s mentally gone in the head because of meth he is a great candidate to be a member of the following and Kemp is some sort of evil genius to make it happen?”
“Pretty much. And we’re Sam and Frodo”
“I would have thought we’re more like Riggs and Murtagh myself.”
“Or Sam Kidsgrove and Gaten Matarazzo”
“Why?”
“Last Action Hero, y’know. You gotta remember that, when Sam Kidsgrove was the action hero and Gaten Matarazzo from Stranger things was the kid who got a ticket to see his favourite movie and ended up being in the movie then they had to work together to get rid of the bad guy?”
“Oh, like the one with Arnold Swarzenegger?”
“Who’s Arnold Swarzenegger?”
“Never mind.”
They travel in silence while Jenson tries to think of who Arnold Swarzenegger is and whether or not he’s seen him in any films lately, or whether it’s someone Teo made up, as he is prone to do sometimes. Just like that time when Teo decided, loudly and proudly that Dragon Ball Z was actually a thing.
Eventually Jenson breaks the silence.
“Hey Dumbledore, who’s Arnold Swarzenneger?”
It’s worth pointing out at this point, that Andre Jenson has his own OS on his phone. He doesn’t use Android, Apple or Microsoft, he actually has his own OS called Skynet. His AI assistant for some reason only known to himself is actually called Dumbledore. The voice of Michael Gambon comes from the speaker.
“Arnold Swarzenegger is an Actor and former politician. Not famous for being in any film you would probably enjoy. Other than maybe Kindergarten Cop.” Dumbledore AI exclaims.
“I see.” Jenson turns to Teo.
“Dumbledore says I won’t like him. Much like he said I wouldn’t like the Following the other day. I think he’s right you know. I don’t know much about them other than they are on the other show and they are two of the biggest knaves in the company. You think of bad people, you think of people with issues, problems and general skullduggery you think of these guys. I don’t like Saruman, I don’t like Gollum. So I don’t like these guys. Kemp will stop at nothing to be the power broker in the company, Kemp will stoop to the lowest of the low. He’ll do whatever it takes and damn the consequences to be the next Lex Luthor. He’ll just go right ahead and be an egomaniac who really should be stopped. Hell, he’ll go as far as recruit Dandy to his aims. Dandy! That, well that’s beyond the pail! You know what we’ll have to do right? We’ll have to cryogenically freeze that Swarzenegger fella again so he can come back in like 50 years and fight him with Sandra Bullock.”
“What?”
“Yeah, I’ve seen demolition man!”
“That’s not Swarze…..”
“It is.”
“It’s Stallone”
“Have you ever seen them in the same room together Teo? I think not.”
“Do we have an actual strategy right now?”
“Er, yeah. OK. Fine. Plan G.”
“G? I haven’t even heard an A.”
“Plan G is the big one, it’s where we can really win and do everything we need to do. Right, so what we have to do is work together as a team, get on the same wavelength and generally kick ass and chew bubblegum right? So why don’t we Men in Black it?”
“Men in Black?”
“Yeah you know, right so you got that big assed bug going up the tower right? And K goes into the stomach to find his gun so J has to distract it from the outside by squashing bugs.”
“Right?”
“So we do that. You go after Kemp - he’s the big bug out there that you need to shoot in the stomach with an alien weapon and I squash the little bugs and say several quips in the process. Like “Oh I’m sorry Kyle was that your pay cheque?””
“So you are saying I take care of Kemp and you take care of Dandy?”
“See, we’re on the same wavelength after all partner! You had that plan too?”
“Kinda, you see what I think we should do is divide and conq.”
There is a kerfuffle coming from the outside of the car as they pull up to the bank. An alarm is sounding, there is a shadow in the windows of an obvious robbery in progress.
“Perfect! Excellent chance to showcase our working together ability right now son. Let’s make like a tree and get out of here to help!”
“That makes absolutely no sense.”
“Yippee ki yay mother hubbard” Shouts Jenson as he jumps out of his car, moving to the boot. Opening it, he is presented with a number of options to take, a crow bar, a mask, a roll of coins, a broadsword, a shield and a mace.
Jenson ponders for a minute, thinking “Hmmmm bank robbery” and grabs the roll of coins. Then starts the foolhardy sprint to the bank.
“Why’d you take the coins?” Teo shouts.
“We’re going to the bank Teo! That’s where coins live!” Jenson replies.