Post by Trey Bouchet on Nov 17, 2020 19:44:31 GMT -5
Trey Bouchet is driving a forklift. He’s dressed in his gear but in order to be OSHA compliant he’s equipped with a hardhat, gloves, goggles, and one of those yellow safety vests. The forklift carries a large crate on a pallet.
Trey knows his way around heavy machinery, and he expertly steers the forklift through a maze of Tropicana Field personnel and rolling storage trunks bearing the Action Wrestling logo. Eventually, he stops, lowers the pallet and clambers out of the lift’s cab.
Producing a crowbar he begins to pry open the crate. Jenna Bauer approaches him.
“Trey! Can we have a word?”
The Suplexpert pauses and, tipping up the brim of his construction helmet, smiles.
“Sure! Fire away!”
“You’re just hours from competing at one of Action Wrestling’s biggest events: Turmoil. What are your thoughts about being chosen to represent CruiserClash tonight?”
“S’cool. Paycheck’s nice with PleXmas coming up.”
“You’re facing Jimmy ‘Smash’ James, who has been a one man wrecking crew since debuting. Do you have any concerns, especially since ‘The Thiccness’ has targeted you personally?”
“Nah. Imma kick his ass. And by ‘kick’ I mean ‘suplex him until he gacks blood’.”
“Are you sure you can? Suplex him I mean?”
Trey is nonplussed, “'Course! Why couldn’t I?”
“Well, James is quite a physical specimen!”
“Eh, he’s got a few inches on me. No big whoop. The bigger they are and all that.”
“Yes, but he’s not just taller than you. He’s, um……”
The Cajun Catapult smirks.
“Yyyyyyyyyeeeesssssssss?”
“Well, he’s just so broad, and so massive, and, uh…
Jenna’s eyes dart back and forth nervously.
“Aaaaaaannnnnnnnndddddddddddd?”
Jenna’s answer is almost inaudible, “And, er, he clearly weighs quite a bit more than you.”
Trey affects a look of absolute shock
“Oh hohohohohoho! Jenna! Jimmy James is part of CruiserClash, and CruiserClash is plexclusively booked for cruiserweights so he must be a cruiserweight, and cannot be heavier than 201 pounds.”
“I know, but---”
“He has a scale, Jenna! He weighs himself before every match! And according to that scale he weighs how much, Jenna?”
“201 pounds.”
Trey nods triumphantly, “201 pounds! The plexact same weight as me!”
“But James can’t weigh 201 pounds!”
“But he must! I mean, to the naked eye it seems plextremely unlikely, but numbers don’t lie. Maybe there’s some biological reason for it. Maybe he’s made of paper mache’.”
“He hits too hard to be made from paper mache’.”
“Maybe he’s from a planet with less gravity! That could plexplain the discrepancy.”
“It really wouldn’t.”
“Then what’s your theory, Jenna?”
“Well, if we go by the principle of Occam’s Razor, where the simplest answer is usually the right one, I think it’s because the scale is rigged.”
“Gimmicked.”
“Beg pardon?”
“The scale's designed to give a false impression in order to increase its user’s viability. It’s gimmicked.”
Jenna nods.
“Hmmmmm,” Trey taps his dimpled chin, “Possibly. That’s why, after our match, after I chuck Jimmy James around that ring like I’m Ray Allen chucking threes, after I trounce his fucking ass, I’m going to perform a little plexperiment.”
He picks up his crowbar and finishes opening the crate; revealing a heavy duty eye level scale.
“I’m going to drag his carcass onto this scale and weigh him. It’s capacity is up to 600 pounds, and is plexact to 1/16th of an ounce. Plexpensive, yes, but putting Jimmy in his place is worth it. See Jenna, Jimmy James may or may not be heavy, but he is definitely soft. He’s a dull, dumb bully who’s relevent only because he’s jumped better wrestlers after their matches and beat them down. That’s pathetic. And I’m tired of it. So, I’m going to punish him, with plextreme prejudice. I’m going to do to him what was done to me: I’m going to take away his gimmick. Call it PLEX TALIONIS, which is Latin for ‘tit for tat’. Maybe his career will survive him being plexposed, maybe it won’t. I frankly don’t care. At Turmoil, Jimmy James will be going up, but not over, courtesy of me. And he’ll learn, just like everyone else, you can’t make your name at my plexpense.”
Trey knows his way around heavy machinery, and he expertly steers the forklift through a maze of Tropicana Field personnel and rolling storage trunks bearing the Action Wrestling logo. Eventually, he stops, lowers the pallet and clambers out of the lift’s cab.
Producing a crowbar he begins to pry open the crate. Jenna Bauer approaches him.
“Trey! Can we have a word?”
The Suplexpert pauses and, tipping up the brim of his construction helmet, smiles.
“Sure! Fire away!”
“You’re just hours from competing at one of Action Wrestling’s biggest events: Turmoil. What are your thoughts about being chosen to represent CruiserClash tonight?”
“S’cool. Paycheck’s nice with PleXmas coming up.”
“You’re facing Jimmy ‘Smash’ James, who has been a one man wrecking crew since debuting. Do you have any concerns, especially since ‘The Thiccness’ has targeted you personally?”
“Nah. Imma kick his ass. And by ‘kick’ I mean ‘suplex him until he gacks blood’.”
“Are you sure you can? Suplex him I mean?”
Trey is nonplussed, “'Course! Why couldn’t I?”
“Well, James is quite a physical specimen!”
“Eh, he’s got a few inches on me. No big whoop. The bigger they are and all that.”
“Yes, but he’s not just taller than you. He’s, um……”
The Cajun Catapult smirks.
“Yyyyyyyyyeeeesssssssss?”
“Well, he’s just so broad, and so massive, and, uh…
Jenna’s eyes dart back and forth nervously.
“Aaaaaaannnnnnnnndddddddddddd?”
Jenna’s answer is almost inaudible, “And, er, he clearly weighs quite a bit more than you.”
Trey affects a look of absolute shock
“Oh hohohohohoho! Jenna! Jimmy James is part of CruiserClash, and CruiserClash is plexclusively booked for cruiserweights so he must be a cruiserweight, and cannot be heavier than 201 pounds.”
“I know, but---”
“He has a scale, Jenna! He weighs himself before every match! And according to that scale he weighs how much, Jenna?”
“201 pounds.”
Trey nods triumphantly, “201 pounds! The plexact same weight as me!”
“But James can’t weigh 201 pounds!”
“But he must! I mean, to the naked eye it seems plextremely unlikely, but numbers don’t lie. Maybe there’s some biological reason for it. Maybe he’s made of paper mache’.”
“He hits too hard to be made from paper mache’.”
“Maybe he’s from a planet with less gravity! That could plexplain the discrepancy.”
“It really wouldn’t.”
“Then what’s your theory, Jenna?”
“Well, if we go by the principle of Occam’s Razor, where the simplest answer is usually the right one, I think it’s because the scale is rigged.”
“Gimmicked.”
“Beg pardon?”
“The scale's designed to give a false impression in order to increase its user’s viability. It’s gimmicked.”
Jenna nods.
“Hmmmmm,” Trey taps his dimpled chin, “Possibly. That’s why, after our match, after I chuck Jimmy James around that ring like I’m Ray Allen chucking threes, after I trounce his fucking ass, I’m going to perform a little plexperiment.”
He picks up his crowbar and finishes opening the crate; revealing a heavy duty eye level scale.
“I’m going to drag his carcass onto this scale and weigh him. It’s capacity is up to 600 pounds, and is plexact to 1/16th of an ounce. Plexpensive, yes, but putting Jimmy in his place is worth it. See Jenna, Jimmy James may or may not be heavy, but he is definitely soft. He’s a dull, dumb bully who’s relevent only because he’s jumped better wrestlers after their matches and beat them down. That’s pathetic. And I’m tired of it. So, I’m going to punish him, with plextreme prejudice. I’m going to do to him what was done to me: I’m going to take away his gimmick. Call it PLEX TALIONIS, which is Latin for ‘tit for tat’. Maybe his career will survive him being plexposed, maybe it won’t. I frankly don’t care. At Turmoil, Jimmy James will be going up, but not over, courtesy of me. And he’ll learn, just like everyone else, you can’t make your name at my plexpense.”