(2/12/18) NBW Presents: Monday Bloody Monday May 5, 2020 16:38:08 GMT -5
Post by Action Reel on May 5, 2020 16:38:08 GMT -5
Half Eaten Baked Ham on a Pole Match
Capt Pelican vs Alexander Kanuck
Capt Pelican vs Alexander Kanuck
Security rushes to the upper sections of the arena where a fight broke out between NBW faithful and those supporting the Insurgency. Dozens scatter with cops bearing down upon them while "We the People" plays over the chaos. Two members of this OG fan base - hefty, neck-bearded boys at that - rise bloodied while those dedicated to UCI's memory run away victorious. One hoists a plastic NBW title replica, presumably stolen as a winner's spoils. Rowdy patron mushroom to this fight area - completely ignoring the bum fight about to begin. No referees stalk the ring where Captain Pelican and Alexander Kanuck wait to brawl. A silvery pole, about twenty feet above the ring, extends above the top. Ham chunks swing from its base with visible bite marks all over its cured skin.
Commish: Here we go, Sara. I was waiting all week for this.
Sara Conway: Why's that?
Commish: Because that Pelican is going to get what's coming to him.
Sara Conway: Have something in store then?
Commish: Maybe... hit that bell! Time to get this baby going.
Kanuck flashes his hockey stick at the bell. Pelican ducks as runs for the ropes. He collides with Alexander's uncovered elbow, spurting blood from his lip. Pelican backs up and tries again; once more, and elbow catches him dumb and blind. Kanuck follows with a heavy boot, dropping Pelican to rising boos. Fan divert from it all - where it seems yet another scuffle has broken out along the entranceways. Secruity riles their growing audience, as the aggressor in Alexander goes straight for the pole.
Sara Conway: Just so we're straight, Commissioner. These men not only earn the W, but also a free dinner?
Commish: That's the kind of man I am. A generous soul when I need to be one.
Sara Conway: Have you settle debts with Captain Pelican?
Commish: Look - Kanuck is just wailing on him now. Man that Hockey boy is crazy!
Sara Conway: Where did you get the ham?
Commish: From our friends at Arby's. #WeGotTheMeats - Kanuck is going up. It's going to be quite the climb.
Sara Conway: Why did you make it so high? Pelican may be too short to... oh...
Commish: He'll be fine. If he can get off the canvas, Sara.
Fans return to the match now that several have been escorted out of the gardens in handcuffs. Alexander drops his stick in favor of reaching the dangling ham. It takes a full extension but he manages to grabs its wire-trapped bone and meat.
Sara Conway: I think this one was over before the bell - wait, Pelican is up!
Commish: No! How on earth--
Sara Conway: Pelican just rammed the hockey stick between Kanuck's legs. That's, god that's awful.
Commish: And downs goes the flannel fight boy. Sometimes, Sara, you have to do your own shit in this country.
Sara Conway: Wait - what?
Captain Pelican swings with his full weight pulling down the ham piece. The Commissioner leaves his seat and headset behind, entering the apron from Pelican's blindside. He swings but misses the pendulating madman. On a second swing around the pole, Pelican delivers a front dropkick to his boss and rival. Old Jo Lamarche falls to the floor.
Sara Conway: It seems my partner has been incapacitated... but the ham will not come down! The Canadian back to his feet, feeling like his parts are futher apart than Newfoundland and Vancouver. He's going back for that stick!
Captain Pelican looks down and sees the coming danger. In a desperate move, he pulls his entire weight again for a diving crossbody. This daring move not only sqaushes Alexander Kanuck, but it also pulls the entire pull - and indeed that ham too - down with his blubbery body. Fans begin a three count just the hell of it as "Pelicans We" blasts overhead.
Sara Conway: Captain Pelican gets the ham, and I guess, a dinner too. What a match. Stay tuned folks--
Commish: Quiet... I want everyone at home to know. This man is finished. And I will be the one to do it.
Sara Conway: Wow, strong words from the Commissioner of our bum fights. Will there be redemption? Will the disgraced and abused Captain Pelican regain that one dollar drop in pay? Join us next week for more bum fights. Now, we move on to tonight's main program. Stay right where you are because Monday Bloody Monday is coming your way, and it's all after these messages.