You did great here as I don't have any criticisms, you had good character development at the start although I will say I'd defintely love to see this expanded on in another RP, and you had very solid shooting.
"You joined the MadClan and Madwoman lost the Trinity World Title and disappeared. You and Raging Dead kept teaming and Dead went through a fucking mid life crisis.
Fact is, you bring out the worst in everyone. Last time we faced off, I pinned you for the Television Title and kick started my record breaking reign into motion."
Ouch! You probably won right there but I'm still writing my RP, good luck to you.
So, I do actually see these requests and I know you guys are looking to improve. As I said on FB though, stick with me here as I try my best to explain things as I’m not the best at expressing things that make sense in my head lol. This will be Cassie and James combo feedback if I can manage that much.
As far as the RP, it’s...okay. It’s not bad, but it could use more. I think more is what you’re going for, so you’re striving and trying to tweak things as far as I can see and that’s cool. I think there’s times where it feels like I’m reading something that’s a lot, but also lacks meat and potatoes. That’s sorta where this falls for me. The CD is there, but it’s also not quite. I get side conversations that feel like, well, side conversations. They’re jumpy, they’re sorta ADHD, a little half baked I guess is how I see it. Conversations in CD can give you a lot of oomph and reinforce and complement the match relevance/shoot if done right. My big criticism is that it feels like I’m reading the efedding equivalent of a bunch of jump cuts.
Find out what you’re trying to say in CD and make it important, make it overarching. Not just one RP, but every RP. Your roleplaying as a member of AW is your own little world that you have total control over. Make me feel like I’m watching really dope TV when reading your work. For a female character comp that does this pretty well, look to the likes of Lissie Hope or Addy A who both have a good focus on that episodic CD. For male characters, Howard Black/Joey Flash/Walter come to mind for that style of what feels like seasons of a show.
The shoot is there and some okay points are made, but they also fall victim to that jump cut feeling. A shoot point happens, but either turns into a bullet point that’s not expanded upon or when there is an attempt to expand on it, the shoot becomes sort of a filibuster and I’m left feeling like you’re spinning wheels a lot. A good way to manage building upon your shoot points (the way that I’ve found works for me at least) is to think up as many as you can about your opponent/the match/your characters current place in the landscape and dedicate at least a paragraph to just one of those bullet style shoot points. If you don’t map your RPs out like this, you 100% should be.
I feel that most of the pointers/critiques above can also be applied to James and advice I’d give him for things to work on. Tbh, I view the two of you as a package deal and that’s something that applies to every main and side character you use. It’s no secret that they consistently orbit each other and that’s fine. Sometimes with that though, I’m left with a very samey type taste in my mouth from character to character and handler to handler. I feel like a lot of times, these characters depth of gimmick can be boiled down to “a girl” and I don’t see that as enough.
I see attempts at stories and angles, but they’re either underexplained/underdeveloped or given up on quickly. A lot of times, I don’t know who the main characters are and who the side characters are for you guys and I also don’t know what they’re really about. Sometimes they’re mean, sometimes they’re nice. Sometimes they like each other, sometimes they don’t. It all depends on the week and the roleplay. What that does in the long run is make it feel like I’m seeing The Big Show in efed form. Hot and cold with who they are and what they’re about and what alignment means to them. It’s all very fleeting.
The important thing to do is to cement who the priority characters are and commit to telling their stories consistently and thoroughly. After all this time, I still don’t know if I totally get it to be honest. I credit part of that to a feeling that I’m reading “roleplay” (the traditional and more Twitter/fanfic style definition of the term) and not efed roleplay (an overarching CD story that spans across RP after RP and gives you this huge net to support you week in and week out and provide you with inspiration. I cannot stress the importance of this enough). For me, it’s a story in Slab City I started a couple years back and have integrated as a bigger more cinematic universe to not just KOS, but many of the side characters I’ve dabbled in over the years. It all bleeds into every aspect of my characters life just as wrestling bleeds over into the Slab City arch. Relating it to what I know, I’d say find your thing like that.
If you’re aiming for that higher ceiling, I’d say no more one off and half baked angles. No more vaguely mentioning one thing and not really connecting it and thinking that the readers can pick up. I’d like to be more invested, because you’re nice people who are clearly trying here and I want you to “get it” really, really badly. Your characters need to feel like more than women with varying moods. Write your CD like you’re writing for TV or the big screen and write your shoot like you’re informed and motivated to beat the fuck out of anyone thrown your way. I want to feel that asskicking. Thread it all together, come motivated, and just kill it. (Example of things threading together, feeling thematic, and checking a lot of boxes is Crow McMorris)
If I’m still not explaining well enough, feel free to hit me up. I’m trying to be as brutally honest while being constructive as I can here. Another tip is to not just look to ask opinion, but reaaaally study people who have achieved a lot and are achieving a lot. Read the top dogs and don’t just look at it and go “Yeah they did a very good job” think of WHY they did a very good job and judge yourself against the things they do well. You can be a backpacker without stealing their ideas. There’s a lot of high end efedding techniques to pick up on. Embrace being a student of the game.
Post by Carter Shaw on May 24, 2020 8:22:19 GMT -5
I loved your RP this week, and i'll tell ya my reasons why. #1, the involvement and stories intertwining with these characters, especially since the 'fallout' after Havoc Rumble is great. Because all 4 of you have great characters. But what IS hard sometimes, because you guys involve each other in alot of C.D. portions, is to keep track of it all. And I certainly try.
So I think one thing you did very, very well here is use your shoot to take strong, personal aim at Lissie while also fleshing out the ongoing story. I know you've been a bit frustrated trying to get Estrella back on track, and it has READ like frustration in your last couple RPs. But this one, you used that energy you're feeling behind the screen and it came across as more aggression put into the character, as opposed to frustration. That's the ticket. Use it, don't let it use you.
I'm sure you've done this in the past, but I'd suggest maybe playing with different layouts for your RPs to help channel different mindsets. A clean CD/Shoot break between something like Estrella at the club gettin' straight up creeped on (fuckin' Trent) and then another, simpler location where it's just her coming at the camera with straight shootin', story-tellin' fire.
Way to keep telling a story. After reading your RP, I feel like, heading into this killer tag team match FILLED with character history, I see Estrella's WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY and HOW. The powerful basics of getting a point across.