Billy: Folks up next is a special match in which we received footage earlier today. This is a match between Dagvald Riddik and Raging Dead.Chris Avery: This match is called the Wiz Khalifa Pot-House Deathmatch.We fade out from the announcers.
Wiz Khalifa Pot House Deathmatch
Dagvald Riddik vs. Raging Dead
We fade in to a huge white mansion. We pan left and see Dagvald walking up with a piece of paper in his hands. "This must be it" says Dag. He looks over and coming from the other side of the sidewalk is Raging Dead who tilts his head sideways and crumbles up the paper and throws it on the ground.
The two stare at each other for a second or two.
A ding ding ding goes off and a small platform raises in the air right next to them just before the front steps leading to the front door. They both raise an eyebrow as a golden plate is on the platform with a note that says DAG with a small weed-edible BanHammer. A note right next to it that says RD with a small weed-edible brain.
They both grab them and eat them. They swallow them. They continue staring at each other as the front door slowly opens up.
Wiz Khalifa comes prancing out of the front door and down the steps dressed to the nines like he's a mixture of Willy Wonka and Andre3000. He spins three times and stops right in the faces of Dag and RD. He smiles and licks his lips and with the highest pitch voice says
"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup."They both nod and he responds.
Wiz Khalifa: You just had the strongest edibles I've ever created in my..He looks around.
Wiz Khalifa: Secret weed lab. Hah! Follow me inside and lets begin!He prances in front of them up the stairs as they follow him. He walks through the door. They walk through the door.
Dag and RD are in a black room all alone. Everything is black around them. They look at each other and then a blinding white light hits.
They adjust their eyes and notice they're in a white room, with white floor, white walls. They turn around as they hear a familiar voice. It's Jaice Wilds standing as awkardly as he can in front of them. His hands behind their back.
Jaice Wilds: I booked this match you know? I'm not concussed. They both blink and Jaice turns into Mickey Mouse.
Mickey Mouse: I seeeeee EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGMickey Mouse's head starts turning completely around in a 360. Dag and RD turn around and rub their eyes and it's Jaice Wilds again.
Jaice Wilds: Whats your worst fear?Raging Dead licks his lips and tries to mouth a response.
Raging Dead: Kwik Trip.Dag is now stressed and nervous. He looks at Jaice and responds.
Dagvald Riddik: Liberals.Jaice turns into Minnie Mouse.
Minnie Mouse: You like my bow?!They both nod with wide eyes.
Minnie Mouse: You should punch him.RD turns and slowly punches Dag.
Dag punches RD in the arm.
They look over and Jaice is sitting in an office chair in the dark as if he's some sort of pervert. He lowers his Batman Fedora.
Jaice Wilds: Punch him again.RD and Jaice start punching harder and harder. Moving quicker and quicker.
The lights go out.
The lights flicker as RD grabs Dag and puts him in a head lock. He turns around and sees he's in the middle of a short candy isle. He looks over and see's HOT DOGS 2 FOR $1. Raging Dead becomes very afraid and lets go of Dag. He starts reeling back and bumps into a counter. He turns around and the cash register is going off and a sign swinging above the counter slowly reading "KWIK TRIP".
Raging Dead grabs his head and starts to scream but Dag shoulder tackles him into the counter! He knees him in the gut and throws him into the hot food glass tray! Glass shatters and Dag rushes over and connects with a huge shoulder sending RD up and over the counter to the other isle! Dag climbs up ontop of the candy isle and jumps off landing on RD!
Dag gets to his feet and grabs RD by the head and shorts and throws him through the front doors of Kwik Trip outside except they don't go outside..
RD lands on a stage and rolls to his stomach. Dag steps out as sees a sea of people cheering and clapping. A voice is heard from beyond..
Voice: Welcome to the podium PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA AND VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.The crowd goes crazy as we zoom in on Dags face who is now frozen in fear. His lips begin to quiver.
Obama and Biden walk right up to Dag and grab him on the arm. He screams in terror except no sound comes out. He can't talk. They walk him to the podium. They lift his arms in victory.
Barack Obama: MY GOOD FRIEND DAGVALD RIDICK!Joe Biden: THE GREATEST LIBERAL OF ALL TIME: DAVALD RIDICK!! WHAT A MAN, RIGHT?Dag lowers his arms and turns and RD spears him off the stage through the podium down into the sea of people!
Everyone stops cheering and applauding as RD is kneeling over him giving him lefts and rights! RD gets up and stomps on him a few times and notices the World Championshp in 16bit from Action Wrestling's WRESTLE JAM that was released last summer. He picks up the shiny 16bit World Championship and smiles bright. It gleams. He smashes it down onto Dag!
Coins pop out of Dag.
He smashes it down again and more coins come out of Dag!
RD smashes the 16bit Championship down on Dag a third time and all the coins Dag had left fall to the floor. He has no life left. The game is over.
RD looks at the camera and walks to it.. as we pan out.. we're now in someones house and we're inside the new DLC of AW2k219. We see Jaice Wilds come back with a plastic plate holding two very unseasoned BBQ chicken wings with a side of almost grayish colored Mac and Cheese. He sits down on the couch and picks up his Xb1 controller.
Jaice Wilds: Ohh, my bad guys. Let me restart the match.RD says NO NO NOOOO.
Its completely dark.
Wiz Khalifa: Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, you there?Raging Dead opens his eyes and he's staring at Wiz Khalifa sitting in a throne directly in front of both of Dag and RD who are sitting on a couch slumped back.
RD looks over to the left and notices Dag just laying there frozen. RD looks over at Wiz.
Wiz Khalifa: Want to see something weird?They both nod.
They follow him out of the room and around the corner into a dark room. Before he opens the door he asks.
Wiz Khalifa: Want to see the shittiest wrestling ring known to man?They both nod slowly.
Wiz smiles and opens the door.
The crowd starts cheering.
Glasgow Megasnake by Mogwai blasts over the speakers and the audience comes alive for another Sunday Slam! We pan around the crowd, as always, as pyro and fireworks shoot from the stage, as always. Also as always, we go to our announce team for the evening.
Zach Davis: WELCOME TO ANOTHER EPISODE OF SUNDAY NIGHT SLAM!! AS ALWAYS IM JOINED BY SHANNAN LERCH! Shannan Lerch: THANKS ZACH. WE HAVE AN AWESOME MAIN EVENT! ITS DAGVALOGAN VS RAGINGTORTURE! I CANT WAIT!Cypress Hill Wanna Be A Superstar hits and RD looks down and he's dressed in Tortures 2003 gear. He walks through the curtain and down the ramp!
Zach Davis: Wow! Look at him! He looks like shit, Shannan, he's a hack writer who somehow keeps winning!Shannan Lerch: Years from now I'm sure it will come out that roleplays were never read and this was all fucking angled anyway!Zach Davis: Probably!He smiles bright as RagingTorture gets in the ring and points to himself like an egomaniac who had no efed friends until 2016.
Some shitty Greenday song hits and out comes DagvaLogan! He has no idea whats going on but walks down the ramp to a shitty display of pyro and gets into the ring.
Shannan Lerch: I wish I was DagvaLogan!Zach Davis: Aww yes, we all do! The confidence of a pornstar, the dick of a badly disfigured midget. RagingTorture and DagvaLogan tie up and RagingTorture hits the Tortures Device!
He pins!
Zach Davis: One!Shannan Lerch: Two!Zach Davis: THREE!!Shannan Lerch: Its over! RagingTorture has won!RagingTorture gets up and celebrates but the music stops. The crowd stops cheering. He's looking around at all the stunned faces.
DagvaLogan stands up to his feet.
RagingTorture: What did I do!?DagvaLogan: I'm so upset that you just beat me that I'm going to show my dick to the world.RagingTorture: But why would you do that?
DagvaLogan: Why do we write fake wrestling? Aren't you a real wrestler?RagingTorture: What?DagvaLogan: I have to show my dick now.RagingTorture: No, don't! We didn't give consent!DagvaLogan: Would you like it in your MSN email or on right here on the boards.DagvaLogan pulls his pants down and the lights go dark.
All of a sudden the world is shaking. The ground is trembling. Raging Dead and Dag are now back to their normal selves. They huddle next to each other as a HUGE figure rises up in front of them.
The figure yells out.
"THIS!! IS ALL!! ANGLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"That's when a 20 foot Trapson appears.
The opening riffs of Beat It begin and we start to hear Michael Jackson singing as if this is a final level to a weird video game.
"They told him don't you ever come around here! Don't want to see your face, you better disappear!"Trapson starts opening his mouth and shooting blue fireballs out of his mouth towards Dag and RD! They hide behind boxes and walls!
"The fires in their eyes and their words are really clear, so beat it! Just beat it!"RD points to a firing gun and Dag slides over! He grabs the gun! Dag pulls the trigger... nothing.
"You better run, you better do what you can! Don't want to see no blood, Don't be a macho man!"RD looks down and pops open a box of ammo. He smiles wide and throws them over to Dag!
More fireballs are coming down but they're not making contact! The 20 foot Trapson gets more frustrated.
"You want to be tough, better do what you can... so beat it, but you wanna BE BAAAD"Dag starts shooting the gun and huge missles are aiming towards the 20 foot Trapson.
He starts moonwalking dodging and dancing and ducking all the shots and begins singing with Michael Jacksons voice..
"JUST BEAT IT! BEAT IT! NO ONE WANTS TO BE DEFEATED! SHOWIN' HOW FUNKY, STRONG IS YOUR FIGHT IT DOESN'T MATTER WHOSE WRONG OR RIGHT JUST BEAT IT!"The 20 foot Trapson lifts his arms and the small mound of Earth RD and Dag are on lifts into the air face level with Trapson. He opens his mouth and dumps them inside!
"They're out to get you, better leave while you can! Don't want to be a boy, you want to be a man!"They fall down the stomach of the 20 foot Trapson and look around. It's a dead, cold world in there. All of the characters, gimmicks and other efeds he's consumed. RD and Dag see what they need though.
"You want to stay alive, better do what you can! So beat it, just beat it!"They start to piece it together. Dag holding the biggest end in his lap while RD is twisting and turning longer and longer shafts onto this huge gun they're building sticking out of Dags lap.
"You have to show them that you're really not scared! You're playin' with your life, this ain't truth or dare! They'll kick you, then they beat you, then they'll tell you its fair, so beat it.. BUT YOU WANT TO BE BAD!"RD gives a thumbs up and Dag pulls the trigger and both men are thrown back!
The music slowly fades out until it's completely silent.
The 20 foot Trapson spins around and starts to moonwalk but stops as a huge explosion from inside his stomach bursts through his body! Trapson falls back slowly as a huge ball of blood and guts fly out in slow-motion!
Trapson falls back hitting the ground hard underneath him! He stops moving and his head slowly tilts to the side. Blood slowly drips from his mouth as Dag and Raging Dead climb from the huge hole in his stomach. They stand next to Trapsons dead body and high five each other.
When they make contact on the high-five we cut to a 1996 Animation style.
A man walks from behind a bush in this 1996 Animated scene and speaks directly into the camera as if it's a PSA.
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure and you might remember me as Raging Dead on Monday Night Clash presented by Action Wrestling. When I'm jobbing out to most of the roster on a weekly basis, there's only one restuarant I like to stop by to nurse my losses. That's Red Robin. Whether it's the towering Onion Ring and Pretzel bites or the finest burgers like the Black and Bleu Burger, you can always count on the most delicious food at Red Robin. YUM.The scene ends with a poorly 1996 animated logo of Red Robin.
The 1996 animated scene fades out. A new 1996 animated scene fades in.
This time the man standing against a wall puts his newspaper down and notices the camera as if it's a shitty PSA.
Troy McClure: Hello, I'm Troy McClure and you might recognize me as Dagvald Riddick from Action Wrestling Presents Monday Night Clash. When I'm on the train being cringy as hell thinking I'm the edgiest edge boi around I like to fill up on Red Robin to go. It's the sweet and sour taste of the Teriyaki Chicken sandwich or the Cowboy Ranch Cheese Burger. I always take a nice hot plate of fries and a large Coke cause why the hell not. I fucked this whole match up because I'm an idiot and can't stop being friends with other idiots. It's just how it is. Eat at Red Robin today and get it to go! YUM!The 1996 animated scene fades out
We cut to a dark cave like setting where Dag and RD are now brawling!
RD throws Dag into the wall and Dag smashes into it head first! Dag holds his body as RD comes over and jumps on him taking him down! RD kneels over him landing more lefts and rights!
That's when the cave glitches and it's Wiz Khalifa's living room.
Raging Dead stands up and see's a huge bong hanging on the wall and he rips it down. He wants to use it as a violent weapon. He turns and Dag spears Raging Dead down to the ground and has a sword. Dag lifts it up and stabs the sword through Raging Deads chest.
Raging Dead's eyes open wide. Dag can't believe he did it. Raging Dead walks up behind Dag. Dag is startled and notices Raging Dead isn't underneath him anymore. Dag mouths "WTF" and Raging Dead picks him up and Dag ducks the wild punch and stabs the sword through Raging Dead again!
Raging Dead walks up behind Dag and Dag turns around scared more than ever and drops the sword! Raging Dead (who is already dead Dag you fucking moron) grabs Dag by the throat. Dag is getting choked but he does the one thing a dirty bastard would do.
Dag kicks Raging Dead in the dick.
In. the fucking. Dick.
Raging Dead feels that one. His eyes get watery. The hands around Dags throat get loose and finally Raging Dead grabs his groin. Dag bends down and moves RD's hands away and knees RD in the dick for a second dick attack!
RD backs up and crashes into a wall knocking shit off the shelf. He sits down to a seated position and Dag has a golden bowling ball that Whiz Khalifa keeps in his home for literally no reason other than this spot.
Dag lines it up and rolls the ball as fast as he can and smashes RD in the dick for a third time!
RD holds his dick and falls to a laid position. He's going unconscience. He's slipping away. His eyes getting slower and slower. We're now in RD's POV and his eyes blinking slower and slower as Dag is celebrating a few feet away.
RD is going out...
He's almost out..
He's almo-
A familiar voice
"DEAD!! HEY DEAD!!""RD opens his eyes slowly and it's a shining white light from the heavens. The figure comes down and into view.
It's Derrick Vayden.
Derrick Vayden: Hey Dead. You look bad. RD nods but he's in tremendous pain.
Derrick Vayden: Hey, I want you to have my dick.Vayden reaches down slowly and rips his dick off and tosses it to RD who catches it. RD is smiling through the pain and is holding the dick. He musters up the energy to speak..
Raging Dead: Th..th...thank you.Derrick Vayden: No problem, bud!Vayden smiles and gives a thumbs up.
Raging Dead: In another life.... we're we... we're we.. friends..?Vayden smiles wide.
Derrick Vayden: More than that, bud. We were 4 time Tag Team Champions. I gotta go! Use my dick! The echoes of
"use my dick! Use my dick! Use my dick! Use my dick!"We come back to the scene where Dag picks up RD and slams him against the wall.
Dag looks down in slow-motion like a Marvel movie. He shakes his head NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
RD licks his lips and mouths
"It's Vayden's DICK."
Raging Dead puts Vaydens dick on his body and a HUGE LIGHT EXPLOSION hits as the score from Avengers: Endgame plays.
The shining bright light has now led to a bright white screen.
We slowly fade in as as Dag is laying on the ground outside of the white mansion. He's motionless.
Next to him is Raging Dead who is motionless.
A black SUV pulls up. Two figures step out of the black SUV and now stand over Dag and Raging Dead.
Camila Gonzalez: I thought you were watching them from a distance?Jaice Wilds: I was! Camila Gonzalez: How long have they been like this?!Jaice Wilds: Maybe 9 minutes.Camila Gonzalez: Why did we book this?!Jaice Wilds: I don't know to be honest.Camila Gonzalez: Shit. Get them in the truck we have to take them to the show to at least finish the match! Come on. Help me lift them up. It's a 45 minute drive back to Higher Ground and the show starts soon!Jaice and Camila lift up Dag who hasn't moved a muscle and puts him laid on his back in the very back of the SUV. They grab Raging Dead and lay him next to Dag on his back as well in the very back. Both men are laid on their back while the black SUV takes off.
Both Dag and RD open their eyes.
They can't move their bodies. They can see out the windows and it's space.
RD and Dag lift their heads slowly to see whats happening and they're now in a space ship cruising at 4million miles per hour through space.
Wanda Wicked is piloting as Norb Smalley is in the passenger seat.
Wanda Wicked: Don't you see, Norb! This is why the plan didn't work to begin with! You can't trust rappers!Norb Smalley: You can't trust anyone these days! Norb looks back and notices Dag and RD wide-eyed. RD and Dag lay back down and hold on as the ship leans downwards towards Earth moving at a speed so fast the skin is almost flying off Dag and RD's bones.
They both start to black out.
Both Dag and RD close their eyes and pass out due to the gravity issues in space and GForces.
Raging Dead opens his eyes.
Dagvald Riddik opens his eyes.
Billy: I have no idea whats happening here folks but Raging Dead looks like he's on some sort of muscle relaxer? Is he that high, Chris?Chris Avery: I think both these boys got TOO high if you ask me!
Billy: They've been standing in the ring for nearly 22 minutes!Chris Avery: We've taken 3 Red Robin commercial breaks, I know!Dag mumbles but he can't open his mouth and stumbles towards the middle of the ring and widly throws his limp left arm but Raging Dead blocks it with his shoulder and then head butts Dag and RD falls on him. Both bodies can't move.
One!
Two!
Three!
Billy: THANK GOD ITS OVER!!Chris Avery: And Raging Dead wins!The ref helps Raging Dead roll off of Dag and tries to raise his arm but RD is like having a stroke or something.
Dag is still laying there with drool coming out of his mouth.
Medical officials hit the ring.
Billy: I can't believe we just saw these two stand in the ring for nearly a half hour mumbling and staggering about in their own corners.Chris Avery: This is why you have to be careful smoking the pots. You can't have too many pot or you'll be stoned higher than a McMuffin.Billy: God, I have no idea what you just said.
Chris Avery: I'm also stoned.Billy: We'll be right back folks. More on Monday Night Clash Higher Ground when we return!We fade out to a commercial as Raging Dead is trying to smile with half his face numb.