Post by Carnivore on Jan 5, 2020 20:00:03 GMT -5
“His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti.
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin'.
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud.
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out.
He's chokin', how, everybody's jokin' now.
The clocks run out, times up, over, blaow!”
The lyrics fade out as the scene fades in of Carnivore, wearing a grey California hoodie and maroon shirt, sitting in front of a microphone. The whispery voice of Carnivore speaks from behind his yellow Smiley mask.
Hello, The Cult of Carnivore, happy New Year! Welcome to my new radio show, Raw Beef. I’m DJ Carnivore. That was “Lose Yourself” by Eminem. This week I’m in a ten man Battle Royal were the winner will become the number one contender for the United States Championship. See, normally if you go in a ten man Battle Royal, you got a ten percent chance of winning. But eighty percent of people fail their New Year’s resolution. So you got a negative seventy percent chance, AT BEST, of winning. Let's discuss whose in the match and their individual chance of winning this match.
Alex Scott. Alex Scott’s home state is California. As someone who spent a year of my career in California, it’s Diarrhea Planet and should be separated by President Trump’s border wall which is exactly what I will tell President Trump when I go to the capital of this glorious nation as US Champion. Then I will have Mr Scott deported back to Diarrhea Planet where he will have to come to terms with the fact that there is a ninety nine percent chance he'll die from diarrhea after drinking bad water...Nobody trusts the local water supply, nobody, and that amuses me. It amuses me that no one can really trust the water anymore. Now although Mr Scott has a ninety nine percent chance that he’ll die from diarrhea after drinking bad water, he will probably die of a medieval disease by stepping on a diseased needle since I think the chance that happens is greater than the chance he dies from diarrhea. If he overcomes the odds and neither dies from diarrhea or from a medieval disease, Mr Scott needs to be locked in a portable toilet and it be set on fire. Mr Scott calls himself “The Answer”, I assume the question is “Who was the Californian person that Carnivore threw over the top rope in the US Championship Number One Contender Battle Royal?” because then Alex Scott would be the answer. Alex Scott has over a negative ninety nine percent chance of winning. Next.
Tyler Ransom. Tyler Ransom’s home state is New York. You know I had ran away from my home in Atlanta, met a man who took me to New York where I started training for combat sports. New York is the opposite state of California. New York is a dangerous state. I was involved in five muggings since I moved to New York….I made a lot of money. I was also inducted into the ECWF Hall of Fame in Madison Square Garden. But anyway, we both have had our career started in New York and both have been behind bars, although the charges against me were eventually dropped, while Mr Ransom was behind bars for eighteen months. That must have been a confusing time as you are in the showers, everyone is clutching the soap for dear life, you glance over and you realize that you have the smallest cock in there. And it's not even close. And it's not even close. Right? That happened to Ransom too, right? Ah fuck it, I might have just exposed myself. Tyler Ransom has a negative seventy percent chance of winning and a small cock. Next.
Speaking of having the smallest cock, Shadowlove. Shadowlove is from fucking Japan, which is a great country and where I actually got the ring name “Carnivore” by the way, but I believe that should disqualify him from being the champion of the United States of America. Also from Japan, Miss Miyamoto, who might try to improve Shadowlove’s odds by being outside the ring during the Battle Royal. Shadowlove has Miss Miyamoto to show that he gets women. Nobody believes Shadowlove is not gay, it’s ok if he is. I’m bisexual, I’m out and I’m proud. Shadowlove is trying to make up for his small cock, I understand, it kinda ruins any chance of him having sexual intercourse with anyone. Shadowlove is extremely insecure and he makes it obvious. At the end of the day, if Shadowlove isn’t disqualified from being the champion of the United States of America, he has a negative seventy percent chance of winning and a small cock. Miss Miyamoto by his side isn’t going to improve his odds in this Battle Royal when I’m throwing Shadowlove over the top rope. I don't know what odds he's trying to improve, the odds a female will see him as a suitable sexual partner? Next.
We have Liam Archer, who is Liam you ask, I also have no clue. All I know is Mr Archer's name and social media. Oh and that he's a single Irish guy because that’s what he posted on his social media. Also what he posted on his social media, he wants one thing this year: his name to be known. I guess Mr Archer kinda succeeded since I know his name but he’s not going to succeed in this Battle Royal because he's going to be thrown over the top rope by me. I don't even know Mr Archer's face but I don't want to know his face. If Mr Archer bothers to show his face, I'll have Mr Scott sit on it and fart after drinking the local water. Liam Archer has a negative seventy percent chance of winning. Next.
Although he won’t be successful in this Battle Royal, Mr Archer was at least successful in people knowing his name. Campbell Chase and Stepan Malikov weren’t even successful in people knowing their names as Action Wrestling management misspelled their names on the card which I pointed out on social media. Action Wrestling management must know what I know. Mr Chase and Mr Malikov have negative seventy percent chance of winning. The numbers don't lie and they spell disaster for Mr Chase and Mr Malikov.
Mr Chase should worry about his chance in this Battle Royal if this is his “last chance”, because he delusionally believes he is “Professional Wrestling‘s Last Chance” which pisses me off. The arrogance. Mr Chase worried about this sport and everything in this sport. Worried about the matches, the promos, the superstars. Worried about the hardcore, the softcore, the luchadors, the brawlers, worried about the spot monkeys, worried about comedy guys, worried about saving the technical superstars. Let me tell ya about technical superstars, alright? Saving technical superstars is just one more arrogant attempt by boomers to control the sport. I'm tired of these fucking white guys who think the only thing wrong with this company is that there's not enough rest holds during matches. Professional wrestling isn't going anywhere. You are! You're going away. You're going away. Professional wrestling will be here, you’ll be gone. I’m throwing you over the top rope. Professional wrestling will be here for a long, long, long time after you're gone. I’ll personally lead professional wrestling through this year. As I said on social media, maybe if my knee doesn’t collapse then I can personally lead profession wrestling through the next decade. The chance of that happening is low. But I can dream, can’t I? I’m probably just revealing my own arrogance now but fuck. You might not be Professional Wrestling’s Last Chance but this might be your last chance in professional wrestling, it also might be mine. Feet fail me not cause this may be the only opportunity that I got.
Next opponent that I want to talk about is Mr Malikov since Action Wrestling management also misspelled his name on the card. All businessmen are completely full of shit, just the worst kind of people you could ever run into, businessmen. Stephan Malikov is a businessman. Stephan wants to sell a fucking microwave, Malikovs Microwaves. A quality microwave, though, but a fucking microwave nonetheless. Limited time only, though, so act now, order today. You miserable no good dumbass fucking consumers! And if you act now, he'll include two extra added free complimentary Malikov Microwaves. That's a great deal! It's the new national pastime, fuck baseball, it's consumption. It's a good way to pass the time. Stepan likes me, I kinda like him too despite being a businessman. In fact when I talk to President Trump about the border wall as US Champion, I'll include Stepan in the conversation so he can choose which side of the border he wants to be the best salesman of. Hey, Stepan, no hard feelings, may the best man win. I mean.....IT'S JUST BUSINESS! Next.
Speaking of names. Someone told Mr Bats that he's in a BATtle Royal because we all know he didn't see the card. On social media, Mr Bats said only one name...Carnivore. Mr Bats must know what I know, the only name to fear is mine. Mr Bats wants me to change him, I still am not sure what that's supposed to mean, I'm assuming he means his diaper. I’ll throw his dirty diaper into the trash just like I’ll throw Mr Bats over the top rope, without batting an eye. Like any good bat, Mr Bats will fly, over the top rope after I throw him.The ten percent chance Cameron Bats has in a ten man Battle Royal is cancelled out in the equation by the statistic that ten percent of blind people are completely blind. Cameron Bats has a negative eighty percent of winning. Next.
Roger Wright is the CEO of Roger Wright Inc. Since he has a successful company then Mr Wright can be the next President Trump, or since he's from Texas, at least settle for being the next Ted Cruz. Who doesn't love The Zodiac Killer? Except for David, Betty, Michael, Darlene, Bryan, Cecilia, Paul...maybe Robert, Linda, Cheri, Donna. You know, fuck those people, there I said it! You do you, Mr Wright. We beat Flex Appeal in my Action Wrestling debut and I won't forget that, well I might, I have a bad memory. But I'll TRY not to forget that we beat Flex Appeal in my Action Wrestling debut. You might consider me a clown but if I’m any clown, I’m John Wayne Gacy. That means on an episode of Clash, The Zodiac Killer and John Wayne Gacy tag teamed but there are no alliances in a Battle Royal, yet being serial killers turned professional wrestlers is not where our similarities end. We both have dead parents. Mr Wright’s parents died in a plane crash. My dad shot my mom. You know my dad should have been on one of the planes that hit the Twin Towers, I mean, he should have been. But anyway. We both killed at least two people, debuted together, have dead parents, and wear cowboy hats that are inconsistent with the century we live in. The only thing that I wonder is different between us...I wonder if Mr Wright is willing to dig down deep when there is no chance of winning because that is what you need when you get into the ring with me. I think he’s in the twenty percent of people who don’t fail their New Year’s resolution so plus his ten percent chance in a Battle Royal, Mr Wright has only a thirty percent chance of winning but that thirty percent chance of winning might as well be a big fat zero. That’s what Mr Wright should worry about, not getting a papercut from my mask. How the fuck would someone get a papercut from my mask? It’s a round, smooth, plastic mask. It’s not like my mask is origami. I don’t know shit about origami, ask Shadowlove about that. Once again no hard feelings, may the best man win. I mean.....IT'S JUST BUSINESS! At the end of the day, we are fighting for a chance at KOS and to be US Champion, unless you are Alex Scott who seems to think Corey Bull is US Champion. Next.
Steve Dackle. Steve Dackle enlisted as a machine gunner in the United States Marine Corp, deployed in Afghanistan. People might think that Mr Dackle, this "war hero" will become the US Champion. Mr Dackle is not a hero, he got captured and probably betrayed his country. I prefer my heroes to not get captured. I'm going to be a hero with a smile and make America great when I become USA Champion. I’ll personally run over Iranian kids in a tank to become a war hero. I'm so patriotic that I have a bald eagle named Liberty. I’m the good guy. I’m also going to mathematically prove that Mr Dackle will not become US Champion. Normally if you go in a ten man Battle Royal, you got a ten percent chance of winning, you know this. But eighty percent of people fail their New Year’s resolution, you know this too. So you got a negative seventy percent chance, AT BEST, of winning. Eighteen percent of people who commit suicide in the US are veterans. Not only is Dackle a veteran….HE WAS A PRISONER! Seven percent of white prison inmates commit suicide. Ten percent of inmates in prison are US military veterans so Dackle’s chances of winning drastically go down. So most of my opponents got a negative seventy percent chance, AT BEST, of winning but I got one hundred and fifteen percent chance of winning because Mr Dackle is going to commit suicide. Now I’m sure Momma Dackle doesn’t want her baby boy to commit suicide but he’s probably going over and getting a gun out of a dresser drawer. I say getting a gun because there's a fifty percent chance that the means of suicide will be a firearm in the United States. So as Mr Dackle is getting a gun, Mrs Dackle is looking down on him..or looking up because she...well you know what she did. MOVING ON! I just mathematically proved that my opponent Steve Dackle committed suicide UNLIKE JEFFREY EPSTEIN WHO WAS MURDERED TO PROTECT THE GLOBAL ELITE! With that, I mathematically proved that I am going to win this ten man US Championship Number One Contender Battle Royal. This is DJ Carnivore signing off.
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti.
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin'.
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud.
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out.
He's chokin', how, everybody's jokin' now.
The clocks run out, times up, over, blaow!”
The lyrics fade out as the scene fades in of Carnivore, wearing a grey California hoodie and maroon shirt, sitting in front of a microphone. The whispery voice of Carnivore speaks from behind his yellow Smiley mask.
Hello, The Cult of Carnivore, happy New Year! Welcome to my new radio show, Raw Beef. I’m DJ Carnivore. That was “Lose Yourself” by Eminem. This week I’m in a ten man Battle Royal were the winner will become the number one contender for the United States Championship. See, normally if you go in a ten man Battle Royal, you got a ten percent chance of winning. But eighty percent of people fail their New Year’s resolution. So you got a negative seventy percent chance, AT BEST, of winning. Let's discuss whose in the match and their individual chance of winning this match.
Alex Scott. Alex Scott’s home state is California. As someone who spent a year of my career in California, it’s Diarrhea Planet and should be separated by President Trump’s border wall which is exactly what I will tell President Trump when I go to the capital of this glorious nation as US Champion. Then I will have Mr Scott deported back to Diarrhea Planet where he will have to come to terms with the fact that there is a ninety nine percent chance he'll die from diarrhea after drinking bad water...Nobody trusts the local water supply, nobody, and that amuses me. It amuses me that no one can really trust the water anymore. Now although Mr Scott has a ninety nine percent chance that he’ll die from diarrhea after drinking bad water, he will probably die of a medieval disease by stepping on a diseased needle since I think the chance that happens is greater than the chance he dies from diarrhea. If he overcomes the odds and neither dies from diarrhea or from a medieval disease, Mr Scott needs to be locked in a portable toilet and it be set on fire. Mr Scott calls himself “The Answer”, I assume the question is “Who was the Californian person that Carnivore threw over the top rope in the US Championship Number One Contender Battle Royal?” because then Alex Scott would be the answer. Alex Scott has over a negative ninety nine percent chance of winning. Next.
Tyler Ransom. Tyler Ransom’s home state is New York. You know I had ran away from my home in Atlanta, met a man who took me to New York where I started training for combat sports. New York is the opposite state of California. New York is a dangerous state. I was involved in five muggings since I moved to New York….I made a lot of money. I was also inducted into the ECWF Hall of Fame in Madison Square Garden. But anyway, we both have had our career started in New York and both have been behind bars, although the charges against me were eventually dropped, while Mr Ransom was behind bars for eighteen months. That must have been a confusing time as you are in the showers, everyone is clutching the soap for dear life, you glance over and you realize that you have the smallest cock in there. And it's not even close. And it's not even close. Right? That happened to Ransom too, right? Ah fuck it, I might have just exposed myself. Tyler Ransom has a negative seventy percent chance of winning and a small cock. Next.
Speaking of having the smallest cock, Shadowlove. Shadowlove is from fucking Japan, which is a great country and where I actually got the ring name “Carnivore” by the way, but I believe that should disqualify him from being the champion of the United States of America. Also from Japan, Miss Miyamoto, who might try to improve Shadowlove’s odds by being outside the ring during the Battle Royal. Shadowlove has Miss Miyamoto to show that he gets women. Nobody believes Shadowlove is not gay, it’s ok if he is. I’m bisexual, I’m out and I’m proud. Shadowlove is trying to make up for his small cock, I understand, it kinda ruins any chance of him having sexual intercourse with anyone. Shadowlove is extremely insecure and he makes it obvious. At the end of the day, if Shadowlove isn’t disqualified from being the champion of the United States of America, he has a negative seventy percent chance of winning and a small cock. Miss Miyamoto by his side isn’t going to improve his odds in this Battle Royal when I’m throwing Shadowlove over the top rope. I don't know what odds he's trying to improve, the odds a female will see him as a suitable sexual partner? Next.
We have Liam Archer, who is Liam you ask, I also have no clue. All I know is Mr Archer's name and social media. Oh and that he's a single Irish guy because that’s what he posted on his social media. Also what he posted on his social media, he wants one thing this year: his name to be known. I guess Mr Archer kinda succeeded since I know his name but he’s not going to succeed in this Battle Royal because he's going to be thrown over the top rope by me. I don't even know Mr Archer's face but I don't want to know his face. If Mr Archer bothers to show his face, I'll have Mr Scott sit on it and fart after drinking the local water. Liam Archer has a negative seventy percent chance of winning. Next.
Although he won’t be successful in this Battle Royal, Mr Archer was at least successful in people knowing his name. Campbell Chase and Stepan Malikov weren’t even successful in people knowing their names as Action Wrestling management misspelled their names on the card which I pointed out on social media. Action Wrestling management must know what I know. Mr Chase and Mr Malikov have negative seventy percent chance of winning. The numbers don't lie and they spell disaster for Mr Chase and Mr Malikov.
Mr Chase should worry about his chance in this Battle Royal if this is his “last chance”, because he delusionally believes he is “Professional Wrestling‘s Last Chance” which pisses me off. The arrogance. Mr Chase worried about this sport and everything in this sport. Worried about the matches, the promos, the superstars. Worried about the hardcore, the softcore, the luchadors, the brawlers, worried about the spot monkeys, worried about comedy guys, worried about saving the technical superstars. Let me tell ya about technical superstars, alright? Saving technical superstars is just one more arrogant attempt by boomers to control the sport. I'm tired of these fucking white guys who think the only thing wrong with this company is that there's not enough rest holds during matches. Professional wrestling isn't going anywhere. You are! You're going away. You're going away. Professional wrestling will be here, you’ll be gone. I’m throwing you over the top rope. Professional wrestling will be here for a long, long, long time after you're gone. I’ll personally lead professional wrestling through this year. As I said on social media, maybe if my knee doesn’t collapse then I can personally lead profession wrestling through the next decade. The chance of that happening is low. But I can dream, can’t I? I’m probably just revealing my own arrogance now but fuck. You might not be Professional Wrestling’s Last Chance but this might be your last chance in professional wrestling, it also might be mine. Feet fail me not cause this may be the only opportunity that I got.
Next opponent that I want to talk about is Mr Malikov since Action Wrestling management also misspelled his name on the card. All businessmen are completely full of shit, just the worst kind of people you could ever run into, businessmen. Stephan Malikov is a businessman. Stephan wants to sell a fucking microwave, Malikovs Microwaves. A quality microwave, though, but a fucking microwave nonetheless. Limited time only, though, so act now, order today. You miserable no good dumbass fucking consumers! And if you act now, he'll include two extra added free complimentary Malikov Microwaves. That's a great deal! It's the new national pastime, fuck baseball, it's consumption. It's a good way to pass the time. Stepan likes me, I kinda like him too despite being a businessman. In fact when I talk to President Trump about the border wall as US Champion, I'll include Stepan in the conversation so he can choose which side of the border he wants to be the best salesman of. Hey, Stepan, no hard feelings, may the best man win. I mean.....IT'S JUST BUSINESS! Next.
Speaking of names. Someone told Mr Bats that he's in a BATtle Royal because we all know he didn't see the card. On social media, Mr Bats said only one name...Carnivore. Mr Bats must know what I know, the only name to fear is mine. Mr Bats wants me to change him, I still am not sure what that's supposed to mean, I'm assuming he means his diaper. I’ll throw his dirty diaper into the trash just like I’ll throw Mr Bats over the top rope, without batting an eye. Like any good bat, Mr Bats will fly, over the top rope after I throw him.The ten percent chance Cameron Bats has in a ten man Battle Royal is cancelled out in the equation by the statistic that ten percent of blind people are completely blind. Cameron Bats has a negative eighty percent of winning. Next.
Roger Wright is the CEO of Roger Wright Inc. Since he has a successful company then Mr Wright can be the next President Trump, or since he's from Texas, at least settle for being the next Ted Cruz. Who doesn't love The Zodiac Killer? Except for David, Betty, Michael, Darlene, Bryan, Cecilia, Paul...maybe Robert, Linda, Cheri, Donna. You know, fuck those people, there I said it! You do you, Mr Wright. We beat Flex Appeal in my Action Wrestling debut and I won't forget that, well I might, I have a bad memory. But I'll TRY not to forget that we beat Flex Appeal in my Action Wrestling debut. You might consider me a clown but if I’m any clown, I’m John Wayne Gacy. That means on an episode of Clash, The Zodiac Killer and John Wayne Gacy tag teamed but there are no alliances in a Battle Royal, yet being serial killers turned professional wrestlers is not where our similarities end. We both have dead parents. Mr Wright’s parents died in a plane crash. My dad shot my mom. You know my dad should have been on one of the planes that hit the Twin Towers, I mean, he should have been. But anyway. We both killed at least two people, debuted together, have dead parents, and wear cowboy hats that are inconsistent with the century we live in. The only thing that I wonder is different between us...I wonder if Mr Wright is willing to dig down deep when there is no chance of winning because that is what you need when you get into the ring with me. I think he’s in the twenty percent of people who don’t fail their New Year’s resolution so plus his ten percent chance in a Battle Royal, Mr Wright has only a thirty percent chance of winning but that thirty percent chance of winning might as well be a big fat zero. That’s what Mr Wright should worry about, not getting a papercut from my mask. How the fuck would someone get a papercut from my mask? It’s a round, smooth, plastic mask. It’s not like my mask is origami. I don’t know shit about origami, ask Shadowlove about that. Once again no hard feelings, may the best man win. I mean.....IT'S JUST BUSINESS! At the end of the day, we are fighting for a chance at KOS and to be US Champion, unless you are Alex Scott who seems to think Corey Bull is US Champion. Next.
Steve Dackle. Steve Dackle enlisted as a machine gunner in the United States Marine Corp, deployed in Afghanistan. People might think that Mr Dackle, this "war hero" will become the US Champion. Mr Dackle is not a hero, he got captured and probably betrayed his country. I prefer my heroes to not get captured. I'm going to be a hero with a smile and make America great when I become USA Champion. I’ll personally run over Iranian kids in a tank to become a war hero. I'm so patriotic that I have a bald eagle named Liberty. I’m the good guy. I’m also going to mathematically prove that Mr Dackle will not become US Champion. Normally if you go in a ten man Battle Royal, you got a ten percent chance of winning, you know this. But eighty percent of people fail their New Year’s resolution, you know this too. So you got a negative seventy percent chance, AT BEST, of winning. Eighteen percent of people who commit suicide in the US are veterans. Not only is Dackle a veteran….HE WAS A PRISONER! Seven percent of white prison inmates commit suicide. Ten percent of inmates in prison are US military veterans so Dackle’s chances of winning drastically go down. So most of my opponents got a negative seventy percent chance, AT BEST, of winning but I got one hundred and fifteen percent chance of winning because Mr Dackle is going to commit suicide. Now I’m sure Momma Dackle doesn’t want her baby boy to commit suicide but he’s probably going over and getting a gun out of a dresser drawer. I say getting a gun because there's a fifty percent chance that the means of suicide will be a firearm in the United States. So as Mr Dackle is getting a gun, Mrs Dackle is looking down on him..or looking up because she...well you know what she did. MOVING ON! I just mathematically proved that my opponent Steve Dackle committed suicide UNLIKE JEFFREY EPSTEIN WHO WAS MURDERED TO PROTECT THE GLOBAL ELITE! With that, I mathematically proved that I am going to win this ten man US Championship Number One Contender Battle Royal. This is DJ Carnivore signing off.