Post by Party Bros on Jan 3, 2020 17:06:02 GMT -5
Please accept this excerpt of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War on behalf of The Party Bros. Edited by Chad and Kevin Dudebro. Copyrite, 2020.
I. Laying Plans
1.Sun FUN Tzu said: The art of war PARTY is of vital importance to the State ACTION WRESTLING.
2. It is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.
3. The art ofwar PARTY, then, is governed by five constant factors, to be taken into account in one’s deliberations, when seeking to determine the conditions obtaining in the field.
4. These are:
(1) TheMoral BRO-RAL Law;
(2) Heaven;
(3) Earth;
(4) The Commander OF THE SUPREME PARTY;
(5) Method and discipline (DON’T FUCKIN’ PASS OUT WITH YOUR SHOES ON AT A PARTY, BRO!).
5,6. TheMoral BRO-RAL Law causes the people to be in complete accord (Fuckin’ Hondas, bro?!) with their ruler (IMPERIAL, NOT METRIC! GET THAT SHIT OUTTA HERE!), so that they will follow him regardless of their lives, undismayed by any danger (UNDISMAYED, FEMDOM! YOU HEAR US?! UNDISMAYED BY YOU, BRO!).
7. Heaven signifies night and day, cold and heat, times (OF THE MONTH! HA! ...Get it? They, like, bleed every month and shit... YOU BROADS ARE ROASTED!) and seasons.
8. Earth comprises distances, great and small; danger and security; open ground and narrow passes; the chances of life and death. (WHAT TF IS THIS OLD CHINAMAN TALKING ABOUT?)
9. The Commander stands for the virtues of wisdom, sincerely, benevolence (YEAH! WE BEEN VIOLENCE AND WE GONNA BE VIOLENCE IF WE GOTTA TO MAINTAIN THE GOOD VIBES AND PARTY BRO), courage and strictness (STRICT! STRICT! PARTYING!).
10. By method and discipline (SPANK US, MOMMIES!) are to be understood the marshaling of the army in its proper subdivisions, the graduations of rank among the officers, the maintenance of roads (AIN’T NO ROADS IN WRESTLIN’ LADIES, SO YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ YOUR AUNTY FLOW STOPPERS!) by which supplies may reach the army, and the control of military expenditure.
11. These five heads (FIVE-HEAD?! WOAH! HOW’D LISSIE HOPE MAKE IT IN THIS BOOK?!) should be familiar to every general: he who knows them will be victorious; he who knows them not will fail. (THE BROS KNOW ‘EM! YOU’RE FUCKED, FEMDOM!)
12. Therefore, in your deliberations, when seeking to determine the military conditions, let them be made the basis of a comparison, in this wise:—
13. (1) Which of the two sovereigns is imbued with the Moral BRO-RAL law? (US!)
(2) Which of the two generals has most ability? (GENERALS BROOOOOOOOOOOOOO AT YOUR SERVICE!!)
(3) With whom lie (FUCKIN’ HOT, BRO! SEX JOKE!) the advantages derived from Heaven and Earth? (WE POKE MORE THAN YOU BROADS, SO IT’S ALL US!)
(4) On which side is discipline most rigorously enforced? (HA!)
(5) Which army is stronger? (ARMY? NAH. WE GOT LIKE 6 INCHES OF PRIVATE FOR YOU RIGHT HERE THOUGH!)
(6) On which side are officers and men more highly trained? (PROLLY THE BACKSIDE, EH, FEMDOM?!)
(7) In which army is there the greater consistency both in reward and punishment? (Shit. I already made the army private dick joke… Uh… PARTY IN MY PANTS, BITCHES!!!!)
14. By means of these seven considerations I can forecast victory or defeat. (FEMDOM’S FORECAST IS A TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR OF PAIN!)
15. The general that hearkens to my counsel and acts upon it, will conquer: let such a one be retained in command! The general that hearkens not to my counsel nor acts upon it, will suffer defeat:—let such a one be dismissed! (HARKEN THE FUCK UP, BRO! HARKEN THIS SHIT IMMEDIATELY!)
16. While heading the profit of my counsel, avail yourself also of any helpful circumstances over and beyond the ordinary rules. (A PARTY AIN’T NO PLACE FOR RULES, BRO!)
17. According as circumstances are favorable, one should modify one’s plans. (FUCK THAT! I’M SO FUCKIN’ READY TO GO, I’LL MODIFY TWO PLANS!)
18. AllwarPARTYfare is based on deception. (OR IS IT?!?!)
19. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near. (WE’RE GONNA TRICK YOU HARDER THAN YOUR DAMN PIMPS, LADYDUDES!)
20. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him. (Please don’t try to ‘bait us in the ring. Wait for the lockers for that shit!)
21. If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. (YOU BITCHES BETTER EVADE!)
22. If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. (WE’LL GIVE YOU FUCKING CHOLERA! CHOLERA IS, LIKE, A HELL OF A PARTY, BRO!)
23. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them. (WE’RE UNITED! YOU’LL BE UNTIED!)
24. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected. (BUT, LIKE, NOT THE NUTS, ‘CAUSE THAT’S UNCOOL, LADYDUDES!)
25. These military devices, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand. (WE AREN’T GONNA TELL YOU WE’RE GOING FOR THE COOTER KICK THIS MATCH! ...OH FUCK! I DIVULGED! BIG KEV, I DIVULGED!)
26. Now the general who wins a battle makes many calculations in his temple ere the battle is fought. The general who loses a battle makes but few calculations beforehand. Thus do many calculations lead to victory, and few calculations to defeat: how much more no calculation at all! It is by attention to this point that I can foresee who is likely to win or lose. (FORESEE DEEZ NUTS, FEMDOM!)
1.
2. It is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.
3. The art of
4. These are:
(1) The
(2) Heaven;
(3) Earth;
(4) The Commander OF THE SUPREME PARTY;
(5) Method and discipline (DON’T FUCKIN’ PASS OUT WITH YOUR SHOES ON AT A PARTY, BRO!).
5,6. The
7. Heaven signifies night and day, cold and heat, times (OF THE MONTH! HA! ...Get it? They, like, bleed every month and shit... YOU BROADS ARE ROASTED!) and seasons.
8. Earth comprises distances, great and small; danger and security; open ground and narrow passes; the chances of life and death. (WHAT TF IS THIS OLD CHINAMAN TALKING ABOUT?)
9. The Commander stands for the virtues of wisdom, sincerely, benevolence (YEAH! WE BEEN VIOLENCE AND WE GONNA BE VIOLENCE IF WE GOTTA TO MAINTAIN THE GOOD VIBES AND PARTY BRO), courage and strictness (STRICT! STRICT! PARTYING!).
10. By method and discipline (SPANK US, MOMMIES!) are to be understood the marshaling of the army in its proper subdivisions, the graduations of rank among the officers, the maintenance of roads (AIN’T NO ROADS IN WRESTLIN’ LADIES, SO YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ YOUR AUNTY FLOW STOPPERS!) by which supplies may reach the army, and the control of military expenditure.
11. These five heads (FIVE-HEAD?! WOAH! HOW’D LISSIE HOPE MAKE IT IN THIS BOOK?!) should be familiar to every general: he who knows them will be victorious; he who knows them not will fail. (THE BROS KNOW ‘EM! YOU’RE FUCKED, FEMDOM!)
12. Therefore, in your deliberations, when seeking to determine the military conditions, let them be made the basis of a comparison, in this wise:—
13. (1) Which of the two sovereigns is imbued with the Moral BRO-RAL law? (US!)
(2) Which of the two generals has most ability? (GENERALS BROOOOOOOOOOOOOO AT YOUR SERVICE!!)
(3) With whom lie (FUCKIN’ HOT, BRO! SEX JOKE!) the advantages derived from Heaven and Earth? (WE POKE MORE THAN YOU BROADS, SO IT’S ALL US!)
(4) On which side is discipline most rigorously enforced? (HA!)
(5) Which army is stronger? (ARMY? NAH. WE GOT LIKE 6 INCHES OF PRIVATE FOR YOU RIGHT HERE THOUGH!)
(6) On which side are officers and men more highly trained? (PROLLY THE BACKSIDE, EH, FEMDOM?!)
(7) In which army is there the greater consistency both in reward and punishment? (Shit. I already made the army private dick joke… Uh… PARTY IN MY PANTS, BITCHES!!!!)
14. By means of these seven considerations I can forecast victory or defeat. (FEMDOM’S FORECAST IS A TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR OF PAIN!)
15. The general that hearkens to my counsel and acts upon it, will conquer: let such a one be retained in command! The general that hearkens not to my counsel nor acts upon it, will suffer defeat:—let such a one be dismissed! (HARKEN THE FUCK UP, BRO! HARKEN THIS SHIT IMMEDIATELY!)
16. While heading the profit of my counsel, avail yourself also of any helpful circumstances over and beyond the ordinary rules. (A PARTY AIN’T NO PLACE FOR RULES, BRO!)
17. According as circumstances are favorable, one should modify one’s plans. (FUCK THAT! I’M SO FUCKIN’ READY TO GO, I’LL MODIFY TWO PLANS!)
18. All
19. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near. (WE’RE GONNA TRICK YOU HARDER THAN YOUR DAMN PIMPS, LADYDUDES!)
20. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him. (Please don’t try to ‘bait us in the ring. Wait for the lockers for that shit!)
21. If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. (YOU BITCHES BETTER EVADE!)
22. If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. (WE’LL GIVE YOU FUCKING CHOLERA! CHOLERA IS, LIKE, A HELL OF A PARTY, BRO!)
23. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them. (WE’RE UNITED! YOU’LL BE UNTIED!)
24. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected. (BUT, LIKE, NOT THE NUTS, ‘CAUSE THAT’S UNCOOL, LADYDUDES!)
25. These military devices, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand. (WE AREN’T GONNA TELL YOU WE’RE GOING FOR THE COOTER KICK THIS MATCH! ...OH FUCK! I DIVULGED! BIG KEV, I DIVULGED!)
26. Now the general who wins a battle makes many calculations in his temple ere the battle is fought. The general who loses a battle makes but few calculations beforehand. Thus do many calculations lead to victory, and few calculations to defeat: how much more no calculation at all! It is by attention to this point that I can foresee who is likely to win or lose. (FORESEE DEEZ NUTS, FEMDOM!)