“How The iGnarly Stole Black XIIIAS”
Dec 11, 2019 16:28:15 GMT -5
via mobile
Reece Stapleton-Shaw, 𝗖𝗢𝗥𝗘𝗬 𝗕𝗟𝗔𝗖𝗞, and 3 more like this
Post by “The RevolutiDaddy” Wesley on Dec 11, 2019 16:28:15 GMT -5
The Night Before XIII...
Every Wrestler of Action liked XIII a lot.
But The IllumiGnarly who lived with common sense did not!
The IllumiGnarly hated XIII! The whole XIII reason!
Now, please ask why. It was a mockery of wrestling, it should be treason!
It could be, perhaps, that the shots thrown were too tight.
It could be the footwork just wasn’t right.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that the other wrestlers arms were two sizes too small.
But, whatever the reason, their shots or their footwork,
They stood there on the Eve of XIII hating the malark.
Staring down from the nosebleeds with a sour, iGnarly frown
At the warm arena lights below on the ground,
For they knew every wrestler in the arena backstage,
Was preparing for their matches, one for the age.
"They think they’ll be barnburners?," Wesley snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is XIII! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Guru fingers nervously drumming,
"We must find some way to keep XIII from coming!”
For, tomorrow, I know all the wrestler girls and boys
Will be here before curtain, they'll rush for their toys!
“And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
There's one thing I hate! All the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
They'll stand close together, with opening bells ringing.
They'll tie up collar and elbow, and those dicks will start singing!"
***insert 2005 era nu-metal here***
"And they'll sing! And they'll sing! And they'll SING! SING! SING! SING!"
And the more The IllumiGnarly thought of this Wrestling XIII Sing,
The more Guru thought, "We must stop this whole thing!
Why for THIRTEEN years we’ve put up with it now!
We must stop XIII from coming! But how?"
Then they got an idea! An awful idea!
The IllumiGnarly got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" The Guru Daddy laughed in his throat.
"We’ll elect in for a match way too late to promote!”
"Thats just step number one," the Guru Daddy said with a hiss,
As they signed on the dotted line, spitting vinegar and piss.
Then they put on their Tag Team Championships, a rather tight squeeze.
But if Power Word: Kill could do it, then so could IllumiGnarly.
PW:K had won a match before...maybe two...or three.
Then they stuck their heads deep down in obscurity.
Where the other Yung Adam henchman hung all in a row.
"Reece and Felix," he Guru’d, "are the first dorks to go!"
Then they shot and they worked, with smiles most fierce,
Around the whole arena, and took every object that could pierce!
It was quarter of dusk, all the wrestlers still a-dressing,
All the wrestler’s still a-tweeting, when time started a-pressing,
They took all the weapons, their ladders, their chairs,
Their tacks and their nails, their tables and stairs!
A cuppla ten feet up, up the side of Varsity Theat’,
They climbed with their load to the tiptop to hate.
"Pooh-pooh to these dicks!" he was Guru’ily humming.
"They're finding out now that no XIII is coming!
They're just getting to gorilla! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the fans in Minneapolis will all cry boo-hoo!
That's a noise," grinned The Guru, "that I simply must hear!"
He paused, and Wesley put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low, then it started to grow.
But this sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded glad!
Every wrestler down in Minneapolis, the smallest to small,
Were fighting without any weapons at all!
They hadn't stopped XIII from coming! It came!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And Wesley, with his Guru ass ice-cold on the roof,
Stood puzzling and puzzling. "What the fuck is the troof?”
It came without kendo sticks! It came without barbed wire!
It came without light tubes, two by fours, or fire!"
They puzzled and puzzled till their puzzlers were sore.
Then The IllumiGnarly thought of something they hadn't before.
Maybe XIII, they thought, wasn’t about the weapons.
Maybe, perhaps, there’s been a deception!
And what happened then? Well, in Action Wrestling they say
That The IllumiGnarly’s bitterness towards XIII shrunk three sizes that day!
And then the true meaning of XIII came through,
And The IllumiGnarly found the strength of ten wrestlers, plus two!
And now that their asses didn't feel quite so tight,
They whizzed with the weapons through the bright moon light
With a smile to their soul, they descended from the rooftop
Cheerily wondering if this parody would garner a pop
They rode into XIII. They brought back their objects.
Maybe these matches would be good, despite the size of their pecs.
They brought back their chains and their electric tasers,
Brought back their crowbars, their guitars and their razors!
They brought everything back, all the pots and the pans!
And The Guru Daddy himself claimed a trash can!
Welcome XIII. Bring your violence,
Cheer to all wrestlers, we shall be no nihilists!
Black Christmas is in our grasp
So long as we keep putting boots to ass.
XIII will always be
Just as long as we have we.
Welcome XIII while we stand
Blood to mat and heart in hand.
Every Wrestler of Action liked XIII a lot.
But The IllumiGnarly who lived with common sense did not!
The IllumiGnarly hated XIII! The whole XIII reason!
Now, please ask why. It was a mockery of wrestling, it should be treason!
It could be, perhaps, that the shots thrown were too tight.
It could be the footwork just wasn’t right.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that the other wrestlers arms were two sizes too small.
But, whatever the reason, their shots or their footwork,
They stood there on the Eve of XIII hating the malark.
Staring down from the nosebleeds with a sour, iGnarly frown
At the warm arena lights below on the ground,
For they knew every wrestler in the arena backstage,
Was preparing for their matches, one for the age.
"They think they’ll be barnburners?," Wesley snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is XIII! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Guru fingers nervously drumming,
"We must find some way to keep XIII from coming!”
For, tomorrow, I know all the wrestler girls and boys
Will be here before curtain, they'll rush for their toys!
“And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
There's one thing I hate! All the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
They'll stand close together, with opening bells ringing.
They'll tie up collar and elbow, and those dicks will start singing!"
***insert 2005 era nu-metal here***
"And they'll sing! And they'll sing! And they'll SING! SING! SING! SING!"
And the more The IllumiGnarly thought of this Wrestling XIII Sing,
The more Guru thought, "We must stop this whole thing!
Why for THIRTEEN years we’ve put up with it now!
We must stop XIII from coming! But how?"
Then they got an idea! An awful idea!
The IllumiGnarly got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" The Guru Daddy laughed in his throat.
"We’ll elect in for a match way too late to promote!”
"Thats just step number one," the Guru Daddy said with a hiss,
As they signed on the dotted line, spitting vinegar and piss.
Then they put on their Tag Team Championships, a rather tight squeeze.
But if Power Word: Kill could do it, then so could IllumiGnarly.
PW:K had won a match before...maybe two...or three.
Then they stuck their heads deep down in obscurity.
Where the other Yung Adam henchman hung all in a row.
"Reece and Felix," he Guru’d, "are the first dorks to go!"
Then they shot and they worked, with smiles most fierce,
Around the whole arena, and took every object that could pierce!
It was quarter of dusk, all the wrestlers still a-dressing,
All the wrestler’s still a-tweeting, when time started a-pressing,
They took all the weapons, their ladders, their chairs,
Their tacks and their nails, their tables and stairs!
A cuppla ten feet up, up the side of Varsity Theat’,
They climbed with their load to the tiptop to hate.
"Pooh-pooh to these dicks!" he was Guru’ily humming.
"They're finding out now that no XIII is coming!
They're just getting to gorilla! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the fans in Minneapolis will all cry boo-hoo!
That's a noise," grinned The Guru, "that I simply must hear!"
He paused, and Wesley put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low, then it started to grow.
But this sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded glad!
Every wrestler down in Minneapolis, the smallest to small,
Were fighting without any weapons at all!
They hadn't stopped XIII from coming! It came!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And Wesley, with his Guru ass ice-cold on the roof,
Stood puzzling and puzzling. "What the fuck is the troof?”
It came without kendo sticks! It came without barbed wire!
It came without light tubes, two by fours, or fire!"
They puzzled and puzzled till their puzzlers were sore.
Then The IllumiGnarly thought of something they hadn't before.
Maybe XIII, they thought, wasn’t about the weapons.
Maybe, perhaps, there’s been a deception!
And what happened then? Well, in Action Wrestling they say
That The IllumiGnarly’s bitterness towards XIII shrunk three sizes that day!
And then the true meaning of XIII came through,
And The IllumiGnarly found the strength of ten wrestlers, plus two!
And now that their asses didn't feel quite so tight,
They whizzed with the weapons through the bright moon light
With a smile to their soul, they descended from the rooftop
Cheerily wondering if this parody would garner a pop
They rode into XIII. They brought back their objects.
Maybe these matches would be good, despite the size of their pecs.
They brought back their chains and their electric tasers,
Brought back their crowbars, their guitars and their razors!
They brought everything back, all the pots and the pans!
And The Guru Daddy himself claimed a trash can!
Welcome XIII. Bring your violence,
Cheer to all wrestlers, we shall be no nihilists!
Black Christmas is in our grasp
So long as we keep putting boots to ass.
XIII will always be
Just as long as we have we.
Welcome XIII while we stand
Blood to mat and heart in hand.