I LOVE FLOPPY CEREAL (NO HOMO..MAYBE)
Dec 9, 2019 14:36:28 GMT -5
The Papa John's Pizza Man, Alex Richards, and 3 more like this
Post by Hobo on Dec 9, 2019 14:36:28 GMT -5
The scene opens to the alley behind the arena where Action Wrestling will have their very next live show. The great, legendary actor and performance artist Shia Lebouf is standing there in the alley, his unmanaged beard looking magnificent as the sunlight shines off of it, cascading down his face like a Greek god. In his hand, he has the Action Wrestling branded “AW” microphone and in his other a bag from the equally legendary root beer and drive-in A&W Restaurants.
A muffled curse can be heard coming from the cardboard box stacks as a shaggy haired and wild eyed man sticks his head out. It’s Action Wrestling sandwich enthusiast, Hobo. His gaze looks over at Shia Lebouf, truly a stud if there ever was one, and his scowl now transforms into a gap-toothed as he sees the A&W Restaurants bag in his hand. Hobo erupts from the cardboard box “mansion” he has built for himself and immediately runs over to Shia.
Hobo: Hi Shia! Hi! I loved you in that one movie where you acted next to those giant robots and the girl with the nice tits.
Shia smiles, but the mirth doesn’t hit his eyes, as he is dead inside.
Shia: Hello Hobo.
Shia’s nose wrinkles up as the odor coming from Hobo is absolutely dreadful. Shia sighs as he now steels himself for this interview, knowing that he will have to endure the piss and shit-smelling homeless man for at least a few minutes.
Hobo: Whatcha got in the bag, Shia?
Shia holds out the bag and just as Hobo reaches for it, Shia pulls it back with an almost sinister smile. This is the part that Shia does enjoy, bringing misery to people, the same kind of misery that Honey Boy (now available on Netflix) brought to fans worldwide.
Shia: No sir. You don’t get anything. Action Wrestling has learned their lesson and you are now forced to talk to me first. Do your interview and you’ll get the delicious, hot, and fresh-made hamburger and fries that are inside this bag.
Hobo nods his head, but Shia already has turned his head towards the camera.
Shia: That’s right Action Wrestling fans, A&W Restaurants – All American Food for all American Folks.
Hobo looks confused as he now turns his body and stares at the camera for a few moments. He then shrugs his shoulders and turns back to Shia.
Shia: So I’m standing here with Hobo, current Action Wrestling featured performer, he—
Hobo cuts into Shia’s time by interjecting.
Hobo: Don’t ferget about Bum!
Hobo whistles and from a huge pile of trash explodes the filthiest, nastiest dog you’ve ever seen. He walk-hops over since he only has three legs. Shia covers his face casually, trying not to be too obvious that the noxious smell has now doubled since this dog arrived.
Shia: Right, how rude of me.
Shia deadpans at the camera.
Shia: So Hobo, you are scheduled to take on Cereal Man and Floppy in a cruiserweight classic match. What are your thoughts about the match?
Hobo: Well, I’ll tell ya Shi, I really like that Floppy. He’s awful purty and he sure knows how to make my naughty bits tingle when he’s on the tv. I get in trouble though, 'cause I don’t have a TV, so I watch TV at the Walmart over on East 23rd. They don’t like it when I’m standin’ there with a woody. Y’know?
Shia shudders slightly at the thought.
Shia: ....Right.
Hobo continues on.
Hobo: But that’s why I ain’t gonna take him or Cereal Man lightly. Cereal Man ain’t the kind of guy that ya wanna mess with. I know Cereal Man has done all kinds of stuff in Action Wrestling. He and I fought one time and I'm purty sure I got my ass whipped so bad I had to leave town for a while. I also had to leave town because I went to a rent-to-own place to rent and chair and a TV and I never returned them. So they got the law after me.
Shia: I......I don't even know how to unpack all of that.
Shia doesn’t even pretend to sound interested, but Hobo completely misses it.
Hobo: Hell, I unpack all the time. You just need some lube, a pair of rubber gloves, and one of those smooth plastic stirring spoons with the little edge to it. Basically, you rub the lube all over the spoon with the gloves, then you bend over and --
Shia understandably gags at the horrendous breath that is coming from Hobo and also the horrendous story. Shia interrupts quickly to save the editors from having to cut the entire promo.
Shia: I don't think we need to hear more. But instead, let's talk about Cereal Man and Flop. These two men are no lightweights and they're fresh while you're making a return to the ring.
Hobo brightens up at that and nods his head enthusiastically.
Hobo: Yer damn right! Now I know I ain't anything special, but there was a time when I used t' be one of the best around! Well, best around the trailer park. I used to rassle some of the boys for hot dogs and some of them would demand that I do it nekkid. Now, I normally don't do that, but I'll tell ye, I had more hot dogs in my mouth that night than ever before.
Shia unexpectedly projectile vomits straight over to the side of the camera. He spits a few times and then stands back up.
Hobo: Hey you ok sonny?
Shia nods weakly.
Hobo: Ennyway, I saw Mr. Floppy do one of them hippity hop rap rhymes at me and I thought it was purty cool. I wanted to be a rapper, but them boys at the club kicked me out when I showed up with coal rubbed on my face. They beat the livin' hell outta me too. I ain't sure why, but fer me to make that many guys mad, I'm sure I deserved it.
Shia: Jesus Christ, stay on topic and talk about Cereal Man and Flop! God dammit!!
Hobo: Oh right. So I love cereal. Everybody knows that. I also like floppy thangs because my penis is so floppy that sometimes it takes me 40 minutes of waggling it around just to get an erec--
Shia holds up a hand and cuts Hobo short. He then points menacingly at him and glares darkly.
Shia: Say one more thing that isn't promo related and I will kill you, chop you up with a bandsaw and throw your body into a landfill. Do I make myself clear? I am not playing around, you smelly piece of shit.
Hobo holds up his hands in a defensive posture.
Hobo: Ok ok, I get it. So I should just say that I'm going to kick Floppy and Cereal's butts? Should I say that they're both good boys, but that I want the win more. Should I say that I was told if I win this match that I can have any of the leftovers that they have in the catering table backstage? Should I say that I'm really hungry and would give you a quick handy for that A&W stuff?
Shia: Fuck it, I'm done for today!
With that, Shia drops everything and walks away and head towards the closest bar so he can forget this entire experience.
A muffled curse can be heard coming from the cardboard box stacks as a shaggy haired and wild eyed man sticks his head out. It’s Action Wrestling sandwich enthusiast, Hobo. His gaze looks over at Shia Lebouf, truly a stud if there ever was one, and his scowl now transforms into a gap-toothed as he sees the A&W Restaurants bag in his hand. Hobo erupts from the cardboard box “mansion” he has built for himself and immediately runs over to Shia.
Hobo: Hi Shia! Hi! I loved you in that one movie where you acted next to those giant robots and the girl with the nice tits.
Shia smiles, but the mirth doesn’t hit his eyes, as he is dead inside.
Shia: Hello Hobo.
Shia’s nose wrinkles up as the odor coming from Hobo is absolutely dreadful. Shia sighs as he now steels himself for this interview, knowing that he will have to endure the piss and shit-smelling homeless man for at least a few minutes.
Hobo: Whatcha got in the bag, Shia?
Shia holds out the bag and just as Hobo reaches for it, Shia pulls it back with an almost sinister smile. This is the part that Shia does enjoy, bringing misery to people, the same kind of misery that Honey Boy (now available on Netflix) brought to fans worldwide.
Shia: No sir. You don’t get anything. Action Wrestling has learned their lesson and you are now forced to talk to me first. Do your interview and you’ll get the delicious, hot, and fresh-made hamburger and fries that are inside this bag.
Hobo nods his head, but Shia already has turned his head towards the camera.
Shia: That’s right Action Wrestling fans, A&W Restaurants – All American Food for all American Folks.
Hobo looks confused as he now turns his body and stares at the camera for a few moments. He then shrugs his shoulders and turns back to Shia.
Shia: So I’m standing here with Hobo, current Action Wrestling featured performer, he—
Hobo cuts into Shia’s time by interjecting.
Hobo: Don’t ferget about Bum!
Hobo whistles and from a huge pile of trash explodes the filthiest, nastiest dog you’ve ever seen. He walk-hops over since he only has three legs. Shia covers his face casually, trying not to be too obvious that the noxious smell has now doubled since this dog arrived.
Shia: Right, how rude of me.
Shia deadpans at the camera.
Shia: So Hobo, you are scheduled to take on Cereal Man and Floppy in a cruiserweight classic match. What are your thoughts about the match?
Hobo: Well, I’ll tell ya Shi, I really like that Floppy. He’s awful purty and he sure knows how to make my naughty bits tingle when he’s on the tv. I get in trouble though, 'cause I don’t have a TV, so I watch TV at the Walmart over on East 23rd. They don’t like it when I’m standin’ there with a woody. Y’know?
Shia shudders slightly at the thought.
Shia: ....Right.
Hobo continues on.
Hobo: But that’s why I ain’t gonna take him or Cereal Man lightly. Cereal Man ain’t the kind of guy that ya wanna mess with. I know Cereal Man has done all kinds of stuff in Action Wrestling. He and I fought one time and I'm purty sure I got my ass whipped so bad I had to leave town for a while. I also had to leave town because I went to a rent-to-own place to rent and chair and a TV and I never returned them. So they got the law after me.
Shia: I......I don't even know how to unpack all of that.
Shia doesn’t even pretend to sound interested, but Hobo completely misses it.
Hobo: Hell, I unpack all the time. You just need some lube, a pair of rubber gloves, and one of those smooth plastic stirring spoons with the little edge to it. Basically, you rub the lube all over the spoon with the gloves, then you bend over and --
Shia understandably gags at the horrendous breath that is coming from Hobo and also the horrendous story. Shia interrupts quickly to save the editors from having to cut the entire promo.
Shia: I don't think we need to hear more. But instead, let's talk about Cereal Man and Flop. These two men are no lightweights and they're fresh while you're making a return to the ring.
Hobo brightens up at that and nods his head enthusiastically.
Hobo: Yer damn right! Now I know I ain't anything special, but there was a time when I used t' be one of the best around! Well, best around the trailer park. I used to rassle some of the boys for hot dogs and some of them would demand that I do it nekkid. Now, I normally don't do that, but I'll tell ye, I had more hot dogs in my mouth that night than ever before.
Shia unexpectedly projectile vomits straight over to the side of the camera. He spits a few times and then stands back up.
Hobo: Hey you ok sonny?
Shia nods weakly.
Hobo: Ennyway, I saw Mr. Floppy do one of them hippity hop rap rhymes at me and I thought it was purty cool. I wanted to be a rapper, but them boys at the club kicked me out when I showed up with coal rubbed on my face. They beat the livin' hell outta me too. I ain't sure why, but fer me to make that many guys mad, I'm sure I deserved it.
Shia: Jesus Christ, stay on topic and talk about Cereal Man and Flop! God dammit!!
Hobo: Oh right. So I love cereal. Everybody knows that. I also like floppy thangs because my penis is so floppy that sometimes it takes me 40 minutes of waggling it around just to get an erec--
Shia holds up a hand and cuts Hobo short. He then points menacingly at him and glares darkly.
Shia: Say one more thing that isn't promo related and I will kill you, chop you up with a bandsaw and throw your body into a landfill. Do I make myself clear? I am not playing around, you smelly piece of shit.
Hobo holds up his hands in a defensive posture.
Hobo: Ok ok, I get it. So I should just say that I'm going to kick Floppy and Cereal's butts? Should I say that they're both good boys, but that I want the win more. Should I say that I was told if I win this match that I can have any of the leftovers that they have in the catering table backstage? Should I say that I'm really hungry and would give you a quick handy for that A&W stuff?
Shia: Fuck it, I'm done for today!
With that, Shia drops everything and walks away and head towards the closest bar so he can forget this entire experience.