Post by Cassidy Adler on Dec 1, 2019 6:24:24 GMT -5
You look onto the scene from whatever device you’re currently situated on and feel sweat begin to coat the top of your forehead and between the crevices and pits of your body. Your pupils widen, mouth ajar ever-so-slightly while being caught in the intense gaze of Cassidy Adler as he thrusts his hips forward and grunts, exploding in the final act of orgasmic epicness as he finishes his mission.
Just by looking at the man you feel yourself beginning to swoon, infatuated by the slight build, the dark circles beneath the eyes, and tousled blonde hair of DAT BOI CASS.
From just outside of camera shot you hear the door open, not that you wouldn’t be able to tell anyways because this shit legit lights the fuck up out of the room. Cass recoils backward in horror and fumbles around in the sheets, covering his crown jewels and *insert inches of peen size here* to keep them safe from the camera, because you know that’s in the contract baby.
Olive Adler enters the room with a clear look of disdain spread across face, eyes locked on the body of a female (at least, you assume it’s a female. Cass it canonically heterosexual but you know those frat boys be getting up to some weird shit every now and again) that is attempting to hide underneath the sheets. She ignores this and focuses on Cassidy.
‘Dad called. He asked if we wanna do anything for Christmas.’
‘Tell him to go fuck himself.’
‘Don’t worry I already did.’
‘Okay cool.’
She gives him a weak smile and shuts the door, Cass shoots a sideways look to the camera, winks, and then goes back to business as the scene fades out.
FLASHBACK FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF EXPOSITION BACKSTORY
Your eyes are blinded by the beaming sunlight that you have to squint through to see the lightly tanned figure of Cass spread comfortably along a pale pink tanning chair. His dark shades blot out the sun, but naturally you peasants don’t got that luxury (unless you subscribe to the Alder Patreon and donate at least $50 a week, which grants you the benefit of the Cassivator Deluxes, so hop on that shit) as he grants himself that beautiful Vitamin D. He also has a Long Island Iced Tea next to him because duh. He sips that shit like a boss and you’re suddenly feeling like you could go for one as well. Maybe if you tune into the next Adler match and cheer him on, Cass will get a drink with you. (Disclaimer: Cass will probably not get a drink with you. Especially if he loses because then he will become a whiny littl-)
(That other narrator just got fired for not sticking to the script. Let’s get back to the exposition.)
Your ears are harrassed by the echoing footsteps of Rafael Jesus, one of the Adler families many connections in the film world and Cassidy’s agent at the time (spoilers, sorry) that was appointed to him by his father. The man is a caricature of himself, wearing a three-piece suit and having two separate conversations on two different phones. Just to make his sense of self-importance and Alpha Chad mentality stick, this guy literally has a man fanning him to keep him cool.
‘Lose the suit, dickhead.’
Is what Cassidy would have said for +Cool Points and +Badassery but that’s some nerd shit and he instead just remains resting, soaking in the glorious rays of the sun.
Rafael hands off his suit jacket and both phones to his assistant, and waits for Cassidy to acknowledge him.
Seven and a half seconds later, Cassidy yawns, deliberately removes his shades, and rubs at his eyes. He casts a nonchalant look toward Rafael.
‘Wow.’ You think, watching the young Cassidy - he couldn’t have been older than 23 at this point - staring down the influential man looking back at him.
‘So, Marvel got back to me.’
Cass smirks, meanwhile you’re curious.
‘You got accepted for a role in Spiderman: Homecoming.’
How the fuck did that man just fit a colon into an actual sentence he just spoke? Now you’re invested in this guy.
‘As expected, my guy.’
‘They liked your guts, kid. Going for a huge role like Peter Parker in your first real world audition? Shows character. That’s why they were happy to send through this contract.’
Rafael’s assistant retrieves the document in question and presents it to Cassidy, who eyes it confidently… until he sees…
FLASH THOMPSON
‘Yo, hold up. Raf, I think they made a mistake dude. This says they want me to play Flash Thompson.’
‘Hm?’
Rafael inspects the document.
‘Oh, right. I forgot to mention. They thought you did okay and liked your attitude, but they don’t think you’re a fit. Flash is a nice comedic relief asshole type character that they think you will nail, so they decided to give you a shot. Congrats on your big break, kid!”
With that, Rafael turns away and immediately answers two new calls, words flying out of his mouth faster than Cassidy’s Dad’s Ferrari could go. Cass is left holding the papers, seeing the name of his offered role staring back at him in big, bold, comic sans font.
Was this their thought of a joke?
Him, THE Cassidy Adler, offered a role like Flash Thompson? What was this? This belongs in a stand-up routine. Dandy, pick up the mic.
You start feeling a little anxious now. You know what these white boys are like, especially when they get angry. The skinny drug-addicted ones are the worst, soon this whole scene could be looking like Kyle when he’s denied his third can of Monster Energy.
Luckily, we cut away before we see the aftermath of this humiliating scene.
EXPOSITION COMPLETE, SAD BACKSTORY ACKNOWLEDGED, 1% SYMPATHY FOR OBVIOUS HEEL CHARACTER ACHIEVED, INITIATING STARTUP PROCEDURE OF GENERIC YOUTUBE OPENING INTRO TRANSITION INTO ACTION WRESTLING SHOOT OF EPIC PROPORTIONS!
Before you even get to the video, an unskippable 15 second ad for “Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order” plays. Take that, sucker.
THE SCREEN SHAKES AND YOU’RE SUBJECTED TO PURE TERROR AS CASS EXPLODES ONTO THE SCENE IN GENERIC HYPEBEAST YOUTUBER FASHION!
“Waddup YEEEWWWWWTUUUUUUUUBE it’s DAT BOI CASS 69 and lemme tell you it is a proud, proud day to be an Adler man. In just a couple days me and my lil sis Olive are gonna go OFF over at this place called A-Dub. You can check them out on twitter here”
Annotation pop-up: twitter.com/adubwrestle?lang=en
‘Basically what happens is me and Olive run up in this shit, get given some tune up matches against some scruuuuuuubs since this tag division be looking about as weak as my chances of succeeding at No Nut November if you get what I’m saying.
‘Anyway if you haven’t noticed yet we out here in the streets and I just grabbed myself that good Pumpkin Spice Latte shit from Starbucks. It’s pretty fire but I’m 99% sure the guy who served me it was into me so that was awks.'
As Cass walks with the camera out in front of him, we see Olive’s head pop up in the corner as she appears confused.
‘Isn’t that meant to be a limited time thing?’
‘What?’
‘Pumpkin Spiced Latte.’
‘I don’t know. Whatever this is it’s good.’
‘Basic bitch.’
‘What?’
‘Nothing.’
A goofy sound effect plays and then we cut with the great youtube editing quality to Cass and Olive in the gym. Olive is pretending to hit one of the machines while Cass is checking his reflection in the camera lens, making sure he is looking his absolute best for this hot fire he about to spit.
‘So yeah anyways guys like I was saying, we’re going up against some weak comp to start as off but that’s ok because we love that LIGHT WORK. Flex Appeal, prepare to get wasted my guys, because for everything you got you don’t got that Cassidy Adler Sex Appeal and when it comes to this A-Dub shit you ain’t got that “Next” Appeal and that “Next” is gonna be me and Olive snagging those tag team championships and never looking back.’
‘That was actually pretty fire.’ Olive chimes in.
‘I know, right?’ Cass says, proud with his work. He snaps back to the camera though because he isn’t ready to give his opponents a break just yet.
‘It’s crazy how both our teams come into existence around the same time, because you guys are basically a weaker version of us. Skylar, you ok there? You don’t gotta hide your insecurity and disappointment at the fact that for all your talk you got SLAPPED not once, but twice. You came out swinging in the first round and you got stopped.
‘They say that for some, once you get stopped once you never come back the same. So fuck me up widdit: What’s gonna happen to you two once Olive and I put you into the dirt for the third time straight? You gonna go crying to another therapist and go all “lol nope” and act like you’re taking all these hard Ls to boost the mental health of your competition?
‘Sorry but unlike your cuck husband I ain’t here to play fake nice and I’m certainly not here to fuck around at the bottom of the barrel with scum like you two. I got matches to win and sponsors to get and subscribers to gain, and that means we gotta make an example out of you.’
Cass hits a squat in his Adidas tracksuit for added effect.
‘We won the moment this shit started because we got that real chemistry. We’re on those Twin Things and when you’re on the Twin Thing that means a guaranteed Twin Win. You two are scared to say one mean word about each other but I can call Olive a loser nerd and she won’t even bat an eye because we got them mad vibes.
‘We got that unbreakable bond while you guys are living in fear of one another. That’s a fragile relationship and me ane Olive are gonna drop the hammer on that shit and shatter it. I’ll slap you both in the face one after the other and you’ll do fucking nothing about i-’
‘Cass you can’t swear they’re gonna demonotize the video.’
‘Who cares I’m killing these nerds.’
Cass hits the whip which is complemented by a goofy zoom in as he does it.
‘Anyway guys that’s about it for this video. Thanks for tuning in and if you want more of this hot fire content be sure to smash that like button and hit subscribe. Be sure to hit the bell to get notifications for all our new videos as we go on a tear through this A-Dub shit.
‘We’re also doing a giveaway in honor of our first match since it’s a big milestone for me and my sis. All you gotta do to win is be a subscriber and comment down below your best roast on Flex Appeal. Actually scratch that, of ANY roster member since they’re all gonna get it anyway when they have to face us and cop these Ls.
‘So yah next video Olive and I will pick three winners and they’ll all get the limited edition range of Cassivator Shades that retail at up to $300 USD and we’ll probably toss in some AW merch too I guess.
‘That’s it. Cya.’
'Wait let me get in the outr-'
The video ends.