Post by Jacqui M on Nov 23, 2019 19:23:06 GMT -5
(N.B. Dialogue in italics is spoken in Japanese.
Kenshin Takamura used with permission.)
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Tokyo, Japan
Kenshin Takamura used with permission.)
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Tokyo, Japan
November 2000
'Kenshiiiin! Stand still, will ya?'
Oh, this motherfucker's laughing at me?!
Oh, your ass is gonna get fuckin' got, Kenshin Takamu---
---dammit!
'Goddammit, Kenshin! Fuckin' stand still for a goddamn minute!'
Laughin' again, huh?! Well, fuck you too, cupcake!
'Why stand still?'
What's he mean, why?!
'What d'ya mean, why?! So I can hit you, baka!'
---and wipe that goddamn shit-eatin' grin off your face, while I'm at it!
'I'm not baka. Raven-chan is baka. She thinks I am standing still for getting hit. HA!'
DAMMIT Kenshin Takamura, if ya laugh at me one. More. Time...
'Thanks for bein' a jackass. I thunk you was my friend!'
'Hai. Am Raven-chan's friend. Is why I not make easy for her.'
Say what?!
'If I make easy for Raven-chan...if stand still and get hit...then no point training. Training is to make ready for real fights. And in real fights, enemy is not going to stand still and get hit. Enemy is going to move out of the way. Enemy is going to hit Raven-chan back. So, I do the same. Raven-chan wants me to make easy, but if I make easy, never Raven-chan gets better. Never Raven-chan is ready for real fights.'
---oh.
Well.
Shit.
Guess dude's got a point...
'Whatever, dude. Let's just keep goin'.'
Yeah, yeah, do that shit-eatin' grin all you want, cupcake. Ya ain't gonna be smilin' here in a minute, when I knock your ass out.
'All right. Is Raven-chan ready?'
Bet your ass I'm ready. Bring it, cupcake.
'All right. I will count to three. Onetwothree!'
---waitwhatthefuck?!--
'Goddammit, Kenshin, you jackaaaaaa------'
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Tokyo, Japan
Nineteen years later
'—AAAAAAAAGHHH!!!!'
OW! Goddammit! Right on the goddamn ribs!
'Raven-chan! Are you all right?!'
No, I'm not fucking all right, Kenshin! I just banged my goddamn ribs off a goddamn rice mat! I'm thirty-fuckin'-six! I'm too old for this shit!
'Yeah...I'm fine.'
That's right. Monroe. Play the tough chick. Pretend like this isn't your best friend, who can tell when something's wrong.
---seriously, why am I acting tough in front of Kenshin?!
'Would you like to take a break? We can stop for a few minutes, if you want to...'
Oh, I want to, Kenshin. I really fuckin' want to. But I can't. I stop now, that's a day wasted.
'We're not stopping.'
Goddammit, Kenshin, you don't gotta look so fucking concerned! Smug prick!
'Well, if you're sure...'
'I'm sure. Let's do it.'
'All right. I will count to three.'
Yeah...no.
'...nope. Don't even think about it. I'M counting to three.'
Look hurt all you want, cupcake. You know what you do.
'Right. On three, come at me again. OK, one...'
'...TWOTHREE!!!!'
GODDAMMIT, KENSHIN!!!
'Ha. It still works every time.'
'Real fuckin' funny, jackass! You injure me before this match on Monday, I'mma come over to your place and bash you over the head with a crutch 'till that fuckin' baka brain of yours is right-side-up. Capeesh, cupcake?'
That's right, Kenshin. You made me so mad, I forgot how to fuckin' speak Japanese!
And he's still smirking! Why do I stay friends with this fuckin' prick?
'Don't worry, Raven-chan. I am not aiming to hurt you. I know how important this upcoming match is to you. I am simply doing the same thing I was doing all those years ago, when we first trained together...I am trying to get you ready.'
'Get me ready by cheating?!'
'Of course. Not everyone will play fair, Raven-chan. You have been wrestling for two decades. You know this.'
'So you rush the count to pretend like you're a cheating opponent, to see how I react?'
What are you nodding for, Kenshin? That's a crock of shit and you know it!
'Yeah. I don't buy that. You're just doing it because you know it makes me angry.'
...yeah. I thought so. Jackass.
'Yeah, that's right. Laugh it up, cupcake. Let's see you try and laugh when you don't have any TEETH!'
---whoa. For a retired dude, he's fast!
'That was much better, Raven-chan. You are still the same. You are still better when you are angry.'
…yeah. Can't argue with that.
'So, if you want to win this Championship match in America next week...you need to get angry.'
Easy to say that, cupcake. But what do I have to get angry about?! Everybody in Action Wrestling looks like really good people, nobody's rubbed me the wrong way yet...hell, even Gaia isn't being a complete jackass for once. Figures. The one time in my life I actually fuckin' need a catalyst, and there ain't a single on in sight.
And even if there was, I don't think I could get as angry as Kenshin wants me to. Not anymore.
'What is wrong, Raven-chan? Did I offend you?
...oh yeah. Now I remember. That's why I'm still friends with him. He's a great guy. A real fuckin' jackass, but a great guy.
'No, of course not, Kenshin-kun. It's just that...I don't think I can get angry. Not like before.'
'What do you mean? Why not?'
...how do I explain this to him so he gets it?
'I just...well, I'm old, Kenshin. I'm old, and I'm tired. I don't have the energy to get angry about any little thing that happens anymore. Even about big things. Some douchebag made my rookie retire from wrestling last year, and I just...let him. I didn't even go after him. I didn't so much as yell at him over Twitter. I just didn't have the energy. I was too tired. I still am too tired. Right now, I just want to enjoy whatever I have left of my career, be on good terms with everybody, and maybe hold a title or two while I'm at it. Do you understand what I mean?'
He's nodding. Good.
'I understand, Raven-chan.'
'And it's not even just that. I mean...these Action people...they're all a lot fucking younger than me. And they've been active all this time, while I have been sitting on my ass over here eating Pocky and getting fat with Alpha. One of them was even a World Champion in another company a couple of months ago. I look at these people, and this match, and I think...what chance do I have? You know? I talk big and shit, but at the end of the day, the other three are young, fit and successful...and me...I'm just a washed-out thirty-six-year-old journeywoman with creaky joints who runs her mouth on Twitter. How the fuck am I supposed to be a threat to these guys? You know what I mean?'
He's still nodding. Good. This is why me and Kenshin get along. The dude gets me.
'Yes, I know. And I understand what you are saying. But you are not seeing all sides of the situation.'
Huh?! What is he talking about?!
'Yes. Right now, you are only thinking about what your opponents have that you do not. You are not thinking of what you have that your opponents do not.'
...hey...hey, wait a minute...he's right! He's one hundred percent right!
Yeah, now I definitely remember why I'm friends with this guy.
'Yes, you're right, Kenshin-kun. I was being stupid. I wasn't thinking of that.'
'It's not stupid, Raven-chan. Sometimes, we just can't look at the positive side of things. Sometimes, we need our friends to help us with that...'
Now this smile, I like. Kenshin has a great smile. At least when it's his real one, and not that usual smug-ass one he always does.
'Thank you, Kenshin-kun. For helping me with that.'
A real great smile!
'Do not thank me, Raven-chan. I am your oldest friend. It is my duty to remind you of who you can be.'
And he's so goddamn earnest when he talks to me, as well!
'But my duty is not done yet. I must now help you work out what you have that your opponents do not.'
Well, that's easy. Duh.
'Surprise. The element of surprise. I doubt anybody in Action Wrestling right now has any idea who I am. I mean, I've not wrestled for years...not full-time, anyway.'
Kenshin looks like a goddamn bobblehead of himself, nodding like that.
'Yes. And you also have experience. You have done this for a long time. You know all of the strategies opponents use. And you also know how to counter them. Well, all except my fast counts...'
...all right, jackass. I'll give you that one.
'That's true. About the experience, not the fast counts. But my opponents have experience too, you know. None of them is exactly a rookie. I think they're going to be more than ready for whatever comes, too.'
Kenshin doesn't look so sure of that...
'Maybe. Or maybe not. You know how people in our sport can become over-confident. I have been guilty of it. And so have you. Not that long ago, actually...'
...dammit, Kenshin...why'd you have to go there? Too soon, man!
'...and as you said, they may not have too much information on you. They may think you are nothing but what you said you were before...an old woman who yells on the Internet. And that is how you will surprise them. That is how you will achieve victory in this match. By striking when they are least prepared. After all...are you not a Tokyo Knife?'
Yeah...yeah, he's got something there!
'Be careful, though, Raven-chan...you must stop yourself from being overconfident, as well. Although, considering what you have said to me earlier, I do not think that will be a problem this time...will it?'
You're goddamn right it ain't! I wasn't fishing for sympathy back there. That shit was real.
'So that only leaves one last thing...and that is to make you angry again. And I think I have a good way of doing that, too.'
Yeah...good luck with that, cupcake. I wasn't lying about that, eith---
---wait---
---is that---
---how the fuck---
---there's video of that?!
On YouTube?!
'Is that what I think it is?'
There's that shit-eating grin again. Smug jackass!
'Why---? How---?'
'Simple. I uploaded it.'
'You did WHAT?!'
English again. Yup. I'm mad.
'I thought the world needed to see it....you know...it is an historical document, in a way...'
Oh, fuck you, Kenshin Takamura!
'You take that shit down, motherfucker. You take that shit down right. The fuck. NOW!'
'Use that anger, Raven-chan. Use all of it...'
Oh. Oh. I see what you did there. Well played, Takamura.
'Oh, you bet your ass I'm using it. In fact, your ass is lucky I got a video to shoot. Otherwise I'd be kicking it halfway across Tokyo for putting that shit up on YouTube. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT?!'
Laugh it up all you want, cupcake. We'll see who has the last laugh.
But not right now.
Right now, I'm angry.
Which means one thing.
It's time to yell at some motherfuckers on the Internet.
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Three minutes later
'This is Hellraven. The original Hellraven. The original Hellraven was a hot-headed, over-confident, shit-don't-stink moron, in over her pretty blonde head.
Nineteen years later, here we are.'
I'm still pissed at Kenshin for uploading this shit to YouTube, but at least I got a kickass video intro out of playing the damn thing in front of a camera.
'Call me Dante from Clerks, 'cause I wasn't even supposed to be here today. When those two jackasses ran my rookie out of wrestling last year, just so they could keep their little old-school circle-jerk going, I told myself I was done-done. No more comebacks. No more special appearances. No more one-offs. No more fucking anything to do with this piece-of-shit business.
Welp...y'all see how long that lasted.'
Damn, I feel like a cigarette. I should'a lit one up before I started recording this shit.
Aw, what the hell. I'm going to light one up now. They'll just have to deal with it.
...there.
Now we're in business.
'By the way...if you're watching this, Raging Dead Ned...thanks a lot, motherfucker. I mean that. If it wasn't for you, I would'a been sitting in front of my TV watching stupid-ass Sentai shows and stuffing my face with Pocky, instead of fighting in a Championship match, for a big-time wrestling company, on Pay-Per-View. Your little cosplay, furry, emo-kid graveyard sideshow brought The Alpha Bitch back from the dead and got her howling at the moon, ready to bite some motherfuckers. And now The Bitch is Back, a lot of motherfuckers are 'bout to get bit. Starting with those three on Monday. So yeah, all y'all can thank Raging Ned for what's 'bout to happen, too.'
I'm getting back in the groove. Shit's like riding a bike.
'Speaking of Ned...we got unfinished business, cupcake. Don't think you're safe from me, just 'cause you're over there in another division. I'm still coming for you. And when I do, you ain't even gonna see me coming. If that bitch Shadows can get to hold two belts, I sure as fuck can, too.
But not yet. Right now, I got another title to win.'
Speaking of which...
'By the way, Abbi, Shadowlove, KOS...two years of sittin' on my ass, first match back, and I get a title shot. How do you like them apples, kiddywinks?'
Am I smiling...?
...yup. I'm smiling.
'That's right. You fuckers out here busting your ass week in, week out, and some washed-out, past-her-prime journeywoman waltzes in and gets a shot at one of the top titles, on her first goddamn match. Without having to pull rank. Here y'all are – two former World Champions someplace else, a former TV and tag Champion someplace else...and y'all get shown up by a thirty-six-year-old with bad joints who wrestled four matches in the past 2 years. Don't that make you angry? Don't that just make you want to wreck some shit? Hope it does. It's gonna be way more fun to beat all y'all's asses if all y'all actually trying.'
Yup – definitely still got it!
'See, kids...lately, I been making a career out of showing up where nobody expects my ass to show up, and rocking motherfuckers' worlds. Just ask Dead Ned. And sure, this time y'all know I'm coming...but that still don't mean y'all are ready for me. That still don't mean y'all done your homework. And even if you did...my last two matches won't tell you shit, and my last match before that was almost a year ago. Last one before that was over two years ago. You don't know what I learned since then. You don't know what I forgot. You don't know how I changed. For all you know, I could show up on Monday and bust out a bunch of flips. And ain't nothing any y'all could do about it – 'cause I didn't do that shit two years ago. You see what I'm saying?'
They probably do. They ain't dumb.
'But you? You've been out there damn near every week. There's video of y'all from a week ago. Two weeks ago. A month ago. Nobody changes all that much in a month. Know what I mean? KOS now is the same as KOS from two weeks ago. Shadowlove now is the same as Shadowlove from a month ago. Abbi...well, Abbi's been through some shit, so she probably changed. But you get my drift.'
Again – they ain't dumb. They're bound to get it.
'And that's another thing, too. All y'all with your titles and shit...people expect shit from you. People expect you to step up, live up to your rep and shit. And yeah, I know what you're probably thinking. Ain't I a Champion too? Sure. Sure I am. I'm a 2 x Women's Champion...ten years ago. And I was WARPED World Champion..for all of two minutes, like five years ago. And I was the first ever female to win the OCW Paradigm Championship...but that was like three years ago, too. And the least said about the rest of my goddamn career, the better. Point being...for all intents and purposes...right now...I'm a nobody. An old-timer. A has-been. I ain't got shit to prove to nobody. It ain't gonna hurt my career none if one of y'all beats me.
But what happens if I beat all y'all?
I'm just saying – it's gotta really suck to lose to a part-timer.'
Ha – bet that gets them thinking!
'So KOS, Abbi, Shadowlove...on Monday, I hope you motherfuckers bring it. 'Cause I sure as fuck will. I hope you ain't overlooking me – 'cause I sure as fuck ain't overlooking any of you. And I hope you bother to do your homework on me – 'cause you know what they say about assuming, kids...it makes an ASS out of U and ME.'
HA. Love that fuckin' line!
'Abbi, KOS, Shadowlove...right now, I ain't got nothing against any of you. Hell, I even kind'a like Shadow. He talks some top-level trash. But on Monday, when I get in that ring with the three of you...it ain't gonna matter what I think about you. It ain't gonna matter what you think about me. All that's gonna matter is the thing that's up for grabs – the Action Wrestling United States Championship. Ain't but one of us that can win it, and if I were you, I'd make sure I was at my best physically and I had my strategy in place. Otherwise, you just might end up losing to an old woman.
And goddamn, wouldn't that be embarrassing...'
DAMN that felt good! I needed that shit!
Kenshin was right – I am at my best when I'm angry. And I did need to be angry to make this shit work.
Speaking of which, now I gotta go find that motherfucker.
If he thinks he's off the hook about that upload bullshit, he's got another thing coming.
Final Word Count: 2997 including this note.