|
Post by Alex Richards on May 20, 2019 16:51:06 GMT -5
Roleplay: Doctors Orders Hander: Richards Overall thoughts: This promo just isnt fair Rating Overview Scene Description: 3 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 RATING: 4.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW This is a crushing promo that isnt fair to Chris Santiago. This is just a full force beat down of a promo and Chris Santiago shouldnt be discouraged. The fact that you’ve had to struggle and claw in WCF shows. You tore this poor kid apart and I don’t have much else to add. What can I say? SD could have been more complete You went through a good few moments about the contact issues and your desires in ADUB and how spence thinks your God tier ( More like God killing tier, amiright ? ) Shoot. You threw this guy a beating and its not even right. Flow. simple. Great. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS I got nothing to suggest. You learned your craft the hard way through blood and tears. You keep doing what your doing here. Wow.. Thanks Odin. When a master shooter like the all father enjoys your rp you know you done good
|
|
T.F.K.
Professional Wrestler
Tailor Made For Greatness
Posts: 549
|
Post by T.F.K. on May 20, 2019 16:52:08 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Alex Richards on May 20, 2019 16:59:43 GMT -5
Roleplay: Not Interested Hander: Slayer Overall thoughts: Anarchist in a suit? A suit? Rating Overview Scene Description: 3 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 4 Flow: 5 RATING: 3.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW I just want to say to start off that I know how young Slayer is IRL and that he is miles ahead of me when I was his age. But I need you to remember your gimmick. Bio: Scott Slayer is only 22 years old. He used to be in the WCF and competed for championship gold, but he’s never won a title. He’s not someone to be trusted. He was bullied when he was younger as a child, and was physically abused by his uncle after his parents died. Scott Slayer is an anarchist. He doesn’t like authority and rules. He will win by any means necessary. ANARCHIST. NO RULES. NO AUTHORITY I can get past the conference event. I’m not going to let you live down that suit. Suits = conforming Conforming = not raging against the machine. For instance, there was a guy named Seifer Black. Had this Dexter type of character that was like Evil and killed ppl but he kinda knew? Anyway. One promo the 1st scene he kills a dude. Straight up murder. The next scene ( the last scene ) he and his wife were swimming with dolphins. I reviewed his RP and just obliterated him because he just decided that character consistency wasnt a thing. AND this was for a world title match. I lost my damn mind. Please be consistent to your character. I don’t want to tell you how to write your character but I’m sure as well gonna tell you how to NOT write your character. You need to embrace anarchist. Its not a gimmick to get you world championships ( fuck me, I’ve tried ) but it’ll get you an enduring character and a solidly recognized midcard. Monsters / psychos / anarchy - those are not world title gimmick because having the world title is dangerous to the gimmick in the long run. So you can keep the gimmick but you gotta stick to the gimmick. That gimmick is law in your promos. Let me switch gears though. Your tone is great. You’re sharp and to the point. Fuck you, next question. You ever talk to me again I’ll put you in a body bag. Great. Love it. The SD is short and ok. Could always give more but its a balancing act. I hope that Rage agreed to be in your RP. If not, then its a DQ loss for you. Always make sure you get permission to use ppl in your promos. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Please be consistent with your character. Be consistent with SD Shoots good. Keep doing it. You’ll grow. You’ll get better. You’re already doing well for yourself. For the record Seifer lost that match.. And never got close to getting another title shot. Odin is right.. Playing your character is key. You can put Scott in a press conference or any other situation for that matter but you gotta think about how an anarchist like Scott would react to that situation.
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on May 20, 2019 18:30:52 GMT -5
Crimson BlackwellBy nature of the character, having the world championship is detrimental to the character. I've played ZMAC for 8 years now and I can write damn good with him and the character can get pretty far and pretty high but then what? You end up betraying the character to get what YOU as the writer wants. I've gotten livid over match results be it hook or crook, right or wrong. Now, Slayer isnt ZMAC and you're not me. YOU CAN take Slayer in a route where he can be a world champion. Its just difficult. We're dogs chasing cars - we don't know what to do when we catch em. Eventually the anarchist character has to play by the rules. Eventually Honey Badger has to give a shit. Eventually after months or years or whatever of raging against the machine Scott Slayer will become that machine. unless you get the belt by angle and you're the heel but you exist as a framing device for the hero to defeat you. Your time is fleeting. As a writer, that can hurt. As a writer YOU work hard to get accomplishments. Scott Slayer is necessary in wrestling. Monsters are necessary in wrestling. They are successful and endearing in wrestling but not for the reasons that you want them. Real life example. Undertaker is a character. A monster. had spots of championship success. KANE is a character. A monster. Had spots of championship success. The outlier is Stone Cold. He raged against the machine and it took the machine to take him down as a character until he shook vince mcmahons hand and became the machine. But Stone Cold was an anti- establishment anti-hero. He was not an anarchist. Maybe Torture can chime in because he has real world pro wrestling knowledge but I'm coming to you with character archetypes. In lit ( is Teo around?) the thief ( or rouge ) does not become the king. To become the king is to betray the nature of the thief. The Rouge rages against the machine without a cause. ZMAC is a product of free will and expressionism; he does as he pleases. To have a cause is a betrayal of ZMACs character unless changed over time. That is character development. Scott Slayer can rage against the machine but he needs a cause. CM PUNK was the voice of the voiceless just as Stone Cold carried the working man. And I can tell you now, a lot of people try to be this silly tweener stone cold or CM punk and Gary Stu themselves into being a cheered heel ( and its crap IMO ) and they fail at it because they don't know how to make them work. Any edge lord can write witty dialogue. But it takes a skilled writer to make the reader believe it. I got ZMAC over through crafting a character and not betraying that character Oblivion got over by crafting a monster and not betraying the character. With your character and all characters, the devil is in the details that you write. But you write them. You put these ideas down and DO NOT be discouraged to write a character you want to write. I'm not saying that YOU as a writer cannot be a world champion. I'm saying it is hard for the archetype to be a world champion. That character does what you tell him to until one day, Scott Slayer is writing that promo just like ZMAC writes his. WE ARE ALL CHARACTERS. We are all Wrestlers. truely 98% of efedders don't know what that is or how to be one. Action Wrestling is real. Scott Slayer is real. Scott Slayer is either A. a kid writing on his laptop in his spare time. B. A wrestler with a gimmick C. Everything he says he is. ZMAC and Oblivion are everything they say they are. Thats a lesson that took me 12 years, nearly as long as you've been alive. I'm giving you that knowlage now; no matter how long you efed or write creatively for. In the vein of world championships ( As ZMAC ), I have made lasting characters that people want to read and when they see ZMAC or ODIN on the card, they say "oh shit" not because I'm a good writer but because they are strong characters. YOU can be a world champion. SLAYER can be world champion. Degrees of success will vary but you'll have a character that people will want to read and you'll be a writer that people respect - longer after WCF or ADUB shuts its doors
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on May 20, 2019 20:03:45 GMT -5
Roleplay: The Bitch Comes for Blood Hander: Hazel Overton Overall thoughts: a promo that's not well researched Rating Overview Scene Description: 4 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 3 Flow: 5 RATING: 3.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW I read the promo and I read the shoot and I shake my head. This isnt Hazels fault but given ooc talks, she should have at least heard that WCF is a sister fed of ADUB and is paramount to ADUB. To disregard that, is just silly. I then looked at the character bio and read accomplishments unrelated to ADUB and its not a good look.So when Hazel brushes off WCF its not a great look and that hurts the piece. Jacob Lister is an important character. Alex Richards is an important character. To say that you don’t care about them isnt heel, its foolish. You made some funny comments towards them but it falls flat because you just smack yourself in the face. Hazel seems to be the opposite of the character that I’ve been talking to slayer about. You have a person, rather than a character ( nothing wrong with that ) but just pointing that out. Is this promo good? Technically sound, sure. But its short. 1500 words or so. I went back and checked the card, you had a 4k limit. You didnt write 50% of your limit. Without dragging on that, if that face continues weekly, you as a writer and Hazel as a character will not grow. Its a disservice. IF that's all you can write on a given week, then it is what it is and for what it is, the promo was good. I like your SD and CD. The shoot, while foolish, was fun to read, although I dunno how that fits into your character. Hazels just a bitch? I dunno. Not a strong motivation. Is cocky? Not a strong motivation. I don’t see issues with content but with character. That's been a theme with these RPS ive been reviewing. No one is bad or even really needs technical help - its mostly character help. I see Hazel as a blank slate. Why should I read her? I want to read YOU and what you do as a writer, but why should I as a reader tune into Hazel? I think that's my main criticism. I need a reason to tune into hazel. 1500 words consistently under the normal word cap isnt going to help that. As a TV title promo, that's money. You’re good. But it’ll cut you up to go under the 4k cap consistently. If this is a character that you’ve been using, I hope shes flushed out more than what I’m taking away from this piece. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Try to get closer to the match caps Expand the world around Hazel Research opponents. Cocky does not always equal heel. Motovations matter
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on May 20, 2019 20:32:13 GMT -5
Roleplay: King Debuts Hander: Westbrook Overall thoughts: debuts suck Rating Overview Scene Description: 4 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 3 Flow: 5 RATING: of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW Preface - 700 word rp I don’t want to hit you too hard but I might. Fair warning. For 700 words, you’re hitting marks. You got SD, you’ve debuted, we got a feel for Westbrook and match related shoot is on point. You might actually do well in cruiserweight land. You can put a promo together, even if I disagree with the gimmick but you do you; I don’t like to hammer on people's character choice. Technically the promos excellent but I see character flaws in 631 words. You said this was a new character. If this cocky rich, super awesome all the time type of character is new to you - I will say up front that its going to be a hard time. You have the technical skill, I can see that clear as day but the creative skill to keep up with that? I dunno. Characters like this just become irritating. Miz is a great example. Miz is the only Miz in WWE. He works. You’re not the only Westbrook in ADUB. The women have the same issue in WWE. 90% are all the same. No one stands out. They get lost. Being in the CW division, you may not have that problem as I think you’re technically sound enough to carry it but in open waters with larger word caps - its a tough gimmick. “ I’m better than you” is great til you lose then you spend a month whining about how shits not fair. Hard skip. Do not fall into that trap. Its easy to bypass the character aspect of that gimmick and just be a whiny premadonna. And I don’t think you created this character with that goal in mind but theres a excellent chance that can happen. No one wants to write a promo where that character has taken a loss and you spend 700 words, 2k, 4k just moaning about how you were cheated - its a fluke - you’re still better. Its just disingenuous. So please be careful. 700 words should be enough to keep you from going that route as you can do short snippets of things and keep things fresh and moving. Once you get above a 2k limit, your character will eat himself alive and you won’t even realize it. But I’m liking this 200 pound suplex king. A strong, technical wrestler in a world of high flyers can work. I think you can make it work. I want to read more of this character. I just dont want to see him be crushed under his own gimmick. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Keep the rps tight and structured. Should be easy in 700 words. I would play up the suplex king gimmick more than the cocky “ better than you” aspect- it’ll just be distracting when you lose.
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on May 20, 2019 21:39:18 GMT -5
Roleplay: Bring on the Filipino Handler: TFK Overall thoughts: voiceless pigmyes Rating Overview Scene Description: 4 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 RATING: 4.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW So, you know TFK. He has a strong voice and character. Hes funny, witty and knows his role, albeit, disillusioned. You make it work. I have nothing bad to say about this promo. Its so good, like, what do I say? It was funny, I enjoyed it. It’ll be tough to fight you. I wish I had real advice for you in this but I cant think of anything. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Keep doing you. Keep exploring the charcter and keep having fun
|
|
|
Post by Hazel Overton on May 20, 2019 22:34:09 GMT -5
Roleplay: The Bitch Comes for Blood Hander: Hazel Overton Overall thoughts: a promo that's not well researched Rating Overview Scene Description: 4 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 3 Flow: 5 RATING: 3.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW I read the promo and I read the shoot and I shake my head. This isnt Hazels fault but given ooc talks, she should have at least heard that WCF is a sister fed of ADUB and is paramount to ADUB. To disregard that, is just silly. I then looked at the character bio and read accomplishments unrelated to ADUB and its not a good look.So when Hazel brushes off WCF its not a great look and that hurts the piece. Jacob Lister is an important character. Alex Richards is an important character. To say that you don’t care about them isnt heel, its foolish. You made some funny comments towards them but it falls flat because you just smack yourself in the face. Hazel seems to be the opposite of the character that I’ve been talking to slayer about. You have a person, rather than a character ( nothing wrong with that ) but just pointing that out. Is this promo good? Technically sound, sure. But its short. 1500 words or so. I went back and checked the card, you had a 4k limit. You didnt write 50% of your limit. Without dragging on that, if that face continues weekly, you as a writer and Hazel as a character will not grow. Its a disservice. IF that's all you can write on a given week, then it is what it is and for what it is, the promo was good. I like your SD and CD. The shoot, while foolish, was fun to read, although I dunno how that fits into your character. Hazels just a bitch? I dunno. Not a strong motivation. Is cocky? Not a strong motivation. I don’t see issues with content but with character. That's been a theme with these RPS ive been reviewing. No one is bad or even really needs technical help - its mostly character help. I see Hazel as a blank slate. Why should I read her? I want to read YOU and what you do as a writer, but why should I as a reader tune into Hazel? I think that's my main criticism. I need a reason to tune into hazel. 1500 words consistently under the normal word cap isnt going to help that. As a TV title promo, that's money. You’re good. But it’ll cut you up to go under the 4k cap consistently. If this is a character that you’ve been using, I hope shes flushed out more than what I’m taking away from this piece. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Try to get closer to the match caps Expand the world around Hazel Research opponents. Cocky does not always equal heel. Motovations matter If I'm honest, I didn't know about WCF from a handler standpoint because I never rped there. So I didn't know how to write against someone who I never seen before. The bio itself didn't really help with me knowing about the character. Ive been trying to figure out how to make her sound heelish with a cocky tone to her voice.
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on May 20, 2019 22:42:37 GMT -5
Ah well I figured there was ooc chatter. O well. Cocky is hard as a female cuz u put urself into a simply cocky bitch type of mode and that's every heel in efedding
So updated advice for Hazel, try cocky due to lineage and having paid ur dues. You've earned X in the industry. If you play cocky vet, it might give you more room to work
|
|
|
Post by Wade Moor on May 20, 2019 22:54:12 GMT -5
Ah well I figured there was ooc chatter. O well. Cocky is hard as a female cuz u put urself into a simply cocky bitch type of mode and that's every heel in efedding So updated advice for Hazel, try cocky due to lineage and having paid ur dues. You've earned X in the industry. If you play cocky vet, it might give you more room to work It would be fun to have a list of “Hazel’s Rules” in matches. (Just rapping off a few examples) - no closed fists - no looking directly into Hazels eyes Things of that nature. It gives you the cocky attitude (these are my rules and we’re sticking to them!) and also it would make her a total bitch. But she has a clear gimmick and motivation.
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on May 20, 2019 22:56:32 GMT -5
Ah well I figured there was ooc chatter. O well. Cocky is hard as a female cuz u put urself into a simply cocky bitch type of mode and that's every heel in efedding So updated advice for Hazel, try cocky due to lineage and having paid ur dues. You've earned X in the industry. If you play cocky vet, it might give you more room to work It would be fun to have a list of “Hazel’s Rules” in matches. (Just rapping off a few examples) - no closed fists - no looking directly into Hazels eyes Things of that nature. It gives you the cocky attitude (these are my rules and we’re sticking to them!) and also it would make her a total bitch. But she has a clear gimmick and motivation. Make them curtsey before locking up The nuclear heat lol
|
|
|
Post by Roger Payton Jr on May 20, 2019 23:06:52 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on May 21, 2019 16:25:10 GMT -5
Roleplay: Empyrean Handler: Roger Payton Overall thoughts: fuckin christ. Rating Overview Scene Description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 RATING: 5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW the character seems cookie cutter. Maybe that your intention. The promo is broadly sound in all ways and I don’t have a complaint. This highlights two thoughts in Efedding The promo Vs Storytelling. Like, I’m good at a promo, but I think I’m shit at storytelling. This kind of work is always going to succeed if its executed correctly and Roger Payton executed correctly. We’re building proper scene with proper shoot and a healthy dose of CD. You have a story promo rather than a classic standard shoot promo. You have match content, yes, but everything else is built up and structured. There are a lot of good writers in this fed but this is a class on its own that even fewer are in. If this is weekly, its good night to everyone. My only downside is that the character seems cookie cutter and boring. That’ll change, I’m sure. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Keep working at this character
|
|
|
Post by Roger Payton Jr on May 22, 2019 1:29:50 GMT -5
Roleplay: Empyrean Handler: Roger Payton Overall thoughts: fuckin christ. Rating Overview Scene Description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 RATING: 5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW the character seems cookie cutter. Maybe that your intention. The promo is broadly sound in all ways and I don’t have a complaint. This highlights two thoughts in Efedding The promo Vs Storytelling. Like, I’m good at a promo, but I think I’m shit at storytelling. This kind of work is always going to succeed if its executed correctly and Roger Payton executed correctly. We’re building proper scene with proper shoot and a healthy dose of CD. You have a story promo rather than a classic standard shoot promo. You have match content, yes, but everything else is built up and structured. There are a lot of good writers in this fed but this is a class on its own that even fewer are in. If this is weekly, its good night to everyone. My only downside is that the character seems cookie cutter and boring. That’ll change, I’m sure. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Keep working at this character Grazie. I definitely need to have a work on his backstory and motivations for sure. 'Generic nice guy face' is all I came into this with. 🤔
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on May 22, 2019 8:04:02 GMT -5
It seems right now like geberic nice guy. Clearly it'll get better.
But you have nice guy with heel shoot lol
|
|
|
Post by Wade Moor on Jun 5, 2019 16:40:06 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Corey Bull on Jun 5, 2019 18:10:09 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Crimson Blackwell on Jun 5, 2019 18:24:21 GMT -5
Just posted a new RP on the Evolution 2 boards. Let me know what you think.
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 5, 2019 18:52:40 GMT -5
Roleplay: Leviathan Handler: WADE Overall thoughts: All you have to do is let me in Rating Overview Scene Description: 5 Character Development: 5 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 RATING: 5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW This a cool and unsettling promo. I even read the tatters promo. I suppose I’m mean to take away that its Tatters but it could be Muffins. Either way its cool. You’ve developed a strong narrative voice and word choice. It really adds depth to your promo. The development was jarring as you intended it to be. Its intriguing and I want to read more to figure out what happened to Wade and how to happen to wade. Its a amazingly suspenseful promo. You’re cutting QDT deep and its not even fair. You were striking hot with the lines about him only being lucky with the eliminations and how its not skill - that you’re skilled. The Hydra line was dope too. It was a lot of little things and tatters? IDK Muffins? The Clown has a separate voice from Wade so good on you for that. I wanted to you points off for all that falling line junk because it did get distracting when used in paragraphs but the arc of the story pushed me through. This shit is why I dont vote against you. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Watch the voices, try to keep them separate. After a while they can start to bleed together if you’re not careful. Everything else is gravy. Keep on your path.
|
|
|
Post by Odin Balfore on Jun 5, 2019 19:09:47 GMT -5
Roleplay: Walking the Sheep Handler: Corey Bull Overall thoughts: Solid first promo in a series Rating Overview Scene Description: 1 Character Development: 2 Shoot: 3 Flow: 5 RATING: 2.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW First off, dont worry the grade of this promo. You got 1k to shoot on 3 dudes in a championship match. This is difficult because you have to do this careful dance to hit beats , plot points and match content. I think you did good for promo 1 but 2 and 3 need to get other things. The quotes were chill, no one does that. I thought that was a nice touch. It gives you indirect character development. You’ve hit small points on your opponents and that's all you have cap room for. You’re doing the big monster thing for the match and you should but you got another big monster in the match with Rage. There are opportunities for you to go back and hit on. However, for 1st rp in a series, given what you got going on, this is a strong promo. The only thing is, how you follow up. You gotta hit them out of the park. If not, you’re gonna look a bit weak. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS For the next promos, I’d talk about 2 opponents. The the next rp talk about the 3rd. You gotta give yourself some room to work. You’re in tight and how you break down your word count is going to matter a lot.
|
|