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Post by Odin Balfore on May 19, 2019 9:42:19 GMT -5
Roleplay: Passione Hander: Lockheart Overall thoughts: enjoyed the internal struggle of a champion Rating Overview Scene Description: 3 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 3 Flow: 4 RATING: 3.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW So, I want to give this promo a better score but its hard too. For everything that I read and I’m like “ yah, great stuff.” something else falls flat. The start of the promo is the best part, minus the fact that you didnt set up the fact that you were in a restaurant but that's kinda whatever. I got it, I put my mind to work and its fine. You had good description there and set up the personal struggle of life and wrestler and champion to family man. That was done exceptionally. The promo had promise. Then the fire nation attacked and fugged it all up. You followed up that great CD scene with a dark room promo and I hung my head because you flat lined yourself. You clearly know how to write good scene description without telling me about the colors of the wind and you felt all the shoot needed was a 2 sentence dark room set up. I monologue a crap ton in my rps but if you’re going to set up a scene, give us something. So its a strike that you wernt consistent with that description. Shoot was great. I enjoyed it. I can see why you’re world champion. It takes a shooter to take down a shooter and from what I’ve been reader - that's rare in ADUB. The shoot was expansive and focused. You layered the RP, so that's fine but the last scene contradicted the previous 2 in tone and mood. Im reading how Ryan is upset that Alex is sad and that Ryan feels he betrayed Alex But that goes against scene 1 where Ryan is a child and hasnt grown up and is selfish. I’m clearly missing the dynamic where Ryan is afraid to love and is closer to his friends but it felt off from a presentation standpoint. Flow again, rarely a issue with promos I’m always seeing potential that hasnt been realized. If one or two things were tightened and consistent, it would be bangin. Its still a top notch promo but when you’re writing top notch promos, the games about staying consistent and filling in little holes that will develop. I slag off a lot and I’m not too consistent myself but its about being at the top. This is right after a ppv and its a coast kinda week and were here on clash, so I’m glad this wasnt a ppv effort. Its a great standard week promo. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Be consistent through your scenes with description and character.
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 19, 2019 10:12:44 GMT -5
Witch Beats Bitch Part IISign me up for the murder machine that this shall be known as! Definitely one of the shorter rps, but that comes with the 1k cap lol Roleplay: Witch Beats Bitch Hander: Metal Witch Overall thoughts: a good effort given the cap Rating Overview Scene Description: 5 Character Development: 2 Shoot: 2 Flow: 5 RATING: 3 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW So, 1 K is tough. Really tough. And I feel you fell into a trap. Maybe you realized this or maybe not but you did yourself a disservice. You have 1 K total. That's it. You clocked 999. Out of 999, you wrote 291 words of scene description at the start of the promo. You blew through 33 % of your promo before you got to your promo. If you’re not careful that's a problem and I feel that it became a problem. You have a short window to get your point across and write a fully realized rp; if that's what you intend on doing. You cant waste a third of your limited word count talking about a table and the darkness and THEN the character actions. You should have trimmed that fat down. It was great description but in the context of your word limit, it was OVER KILL. Character Development: Its a bit subtle in this this by means of not having a dedicated scene, so I had to read into your shoot. You’re not taken in by Hazels character and you see it as a front to yourself as champion. But a sentence or 2 isnt going to get you far. Shoot: pretty basic stuff. Did what it needed to do. I don’t have complaints. Flow was perfect. The biggest problem in this RP is the wordcount. I think 1k is like a 1 page script, if I remember right. So I feel you gotta toy around on how to make that 1k work for you rather than against you. The promos not bad and would be killer at 3k but you gotta do more with less and not handicap yourself with scene description. With that said, you have 70 % shoot. I’m all for shoot. Give me 100 % shoot all the time lol however, if you scaled back to like 20% and 60% respectively, you should squeeze in some character reflections but I cant tell you what that magic percentage is - you gotta find it for your character. However, you cant ask for more in the promo given the word count. I was satisfied reading it. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS I would work on ratios. Give more meaning with less words Use the character. Let Clair have that voice. Or else it’ll come off as just another goth character
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 19, 2019 10:51:01 GMT -5
Roleplay: Cabrones Hander: Chris Santiago Overall thoughts: kinda boring Rating Overview Scene Description: 5 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 3 Flow: 3 RATING: 3 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW I keep seeing these RPS that could be great but they just arnt, I keep seeing these weird ticks in the promo of like, ethic problems? Then you went into a rant about a Filipino war and some treaty from 200 years ago and I just want to read a promo. Sir, this is a Wendys. You’re a world traveler and you’ve picked up cultures and language but you managed to make it boring and when its boring, I skip. I’m supposed to review this and I’m skipping - imagine someone whos checking this out for fun. That's my major complaint. You have this world traveled, strong style fighter and you’re boring. I just want him to shut up and focus. I don’t know how you managed to get me to skip around and re-read things but it was unfortunate. Funny too, because you’re not a bad writer. You have good scene description and I get a good sense of the character but you just had bad exicution. I would have split the 2nd scene up into different scenes. Talk about Shadowlove in one and then TFK in another. That would have saved you. Also, what is it with ppl writing banger CD and SD and then when shoot comes, its just walls of text and nothing going on? It makes you seem inconsistent or that you don’t care about the shoot ( the most important part ) Its not just you, its been everyone so far that I’ve reviewed. WE ARE PRO WRESTLERS. It is the main source of income and life goals for our characters. YOu have this world traveled LO-KI type of character who could be sniping people with his experience and skill and you lost the plot with a military history lesson. That should have been a separate scene. The shoot was interesting, the actual match related content. I like what you said about TFK but that fell short when your closing line is: I’m going to stand out No. Not like that you arnt. Also, i feel the translations are over used. You’re eating wordcount by restating things in different languages. Use that when Chris is mad or when you want to emphasis. Just dont over use it. You had a entire scene of it and worse, it was your last scene. So the readers final thoughts were about having read things twice and not Chris’s match or motovations. I think in your efforts to make Chris seem expansive and deep ( far deeper than most in ADUB) you went too far. That last scenes not too long, its fine but like you could have recapped scene 1, lead with scene 3 and finished with scene 2. Or just scene 3 and recapped scene 1 within scene 2 and finished with scene 2. You have the tools. I want you to know that. I’m not here just shitting on you. This promo just has poor execution across the board. That structure really affects the promo. Flip a scene or two around and any promo can be different by miles. There is nothing wrong with using CD as the last scene but its gotta be a character motovation or a lead in to another promo. I know the last lines are: “ we gotta fix your ground game for the upcoming match” but its just flat. That should have been scene 1. So like: Scene 3 = scene 1 Scene 1 = recapped in scene 2 Scene 2 = broken up into 2 other scenes. Scene talking about Shadowlove = new scene 3 Talking about TFK = new scene 4. Then the promo would have been money. When I first skimmed the rp and saw it, I was wondering why you arnt killing guys and being a champion. Then I saw technical flaws and understood. This is going to take time and practice. You have ability. You just need exicution. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Give the reader good structure. Character development is good. Shoot could use a little tweaking Dont have chris constantly doubt himself. One sentence hes strong, then hes talking about failures then hes strong then hes talking about failures. You can talk about failures but they gotta end on a positive or you just end up undoing your characters seriousness for the match. You lose that edge.
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Post by Chris Santiago on May 19, 2019 10:59:44 GMT -5
Just what I needed. Thank you sir.
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 19, 2019 11:03:20 GMT -5
no problem. efedding takes time.
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Post by Wade Moor on May 19, 2019 11:03:52 GMT -5
I really want to jump on this to see where I could improve but the last RP I’ve written is for Havoc Rumble lol.
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 19, 2019 11:18:16 GMT -5
I really want to jump on this to see where I could improve but the last RP I’ve written is for Havoc Rumble lol. Havoc rumble wouldn't be best. It's too special a concept lol
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Post by Wade Moor on May 19, 2019 11:19:22 GMT -5
I’ll probably wait until I write my next RP then! I’ll leave the queue open lol.
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Post by Derrick Vayden on May 19, 2019 11:37:44 GMT -5
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Post by Shadowlove on May 19, 2019 15:10:00 GMT -5
I just wanted to say that you’ve been giving everyone that’s asked some great feedback that’ll help them improve on the overall idea of their characters. Who knows, I might pop-in here and have you critique Shadow & Miyamoto one day down the road.
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 19, 2019 19:25:18 GMT -5
Roleplay: Legendary Hander: Vayden Overall thoughts: a classic promo, albeit too short Rating Overview Scene Description: 3 Character Development: 2 Shoot: 3 Flow: 4 RATING: 3 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW So the Cruiser weight limits tough. The toughest in the fed. You gotta get through a full rp in 700 words. However, you did spectacular. Scene descriptions fine for what it is. Character Development is there and you address your thoughts on cruiserweights, the division and yourself. Shoot is acceptable, limited but fine. I always stress shoot over most things its a championship match though, the drive and desire should have been more prominent but again, what can you do? Flow was fine. Its hard to tell you where you went right or wrong. You did everything you could given your caps. I cant fault anything in this piece. Everything will only get better the more you use the character and fight through the division. I'd like to see you shine in larger limits and see what you can do. 700 words is limiting and if you're new to the character or the concept in general, it'll be hard to grow as a writer but you'll have a laser focus when you start branching out. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Nothing. Keep on doing what youre doing.
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Post by Alex Richards on May 19, 2019 21:38:02 GMT -5
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Post by Crimson Blackwell on May 19, 2019 22:21:01 GMT -5
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Post by Hazel Overton on May 20, 2019 2:55:44 GMT -5
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Post by Daniel Westbrook on May 20, 2019 3:22:08 GMT -5
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 20, 2019 14:53:12 GMT -5
Review order:
Alex Richards actionwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/3097/doctors-orders
Scott Slayer actionwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/3100/interested
Hazel Overton actionwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/2998/comes-blood
Danny Westbrook actionwrestling.freeforums.net/thread/3029/king-debuts
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Post by Derrick Vayden on May 20, 2019 14:55:05 GMT -5
Roleplay: Legendary Hander: Vayden Overall thoughts: a classic promo, albeit too short Rating Overview Scene Description: 3 Character Development: 2 Shoot: 3 Flow: 4 RATING: 3 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW So the Cruiser weight limits tough. The toughest in the fed. You gotta get through a full rp in 700 words. However, you did spectacular. Scene descriptions fine for what it is. Character Development is there and you address your thoughts on cruiserweights, the division and yourself. Shoot is acceptable, limited but fine. I always stress shoot over most things its a championship match though, the drive and desire should have been more prominent but again, what can you do? Flow was fine. Its hard to tell you where you went right or wrong. You did everything you could given your caps. I cant fault anything in this piece. Everything will only get better the more you use the character and fight through the division. I'd like to see you shine in larger limits and see what you can do. 700 words is limiting and if you're new to the character or the concept in general, it'll be hard to grow as a writer but you'll have a laser focus when you start branching out. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Nothing. Keep on doing what youre doing. Thank you very much for taking time to review my work! I really appreciate it!
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 20, 2019 15:13:50 GMT -5
Roleplay: Doctors Orders Hander: Richards Overall thoughts: This promo just isnt fair Rating Overview Scene Description: 3 Character Development: 4 Shoot: 5 Flow: 5 RATING: 4.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW This is a crushing promo that isnt fair to Chris Santiago. This is just a full force beat down of a promo and Chris Santiago shouldnt be discouraged. The fact that you’ve had to struggle and claw in WCF shows. You tore this poor kid apart and I don’t have much else to add. What can I say? SD could have been more complete You went through a good few moments about the contact issues and your desires in ADUB and how spence thinks your God tier ( More like God killing tier, amiright ? ) Shoot. You threw this guy a beating and its not even right. Flow. simple. Great. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS I got nothing to suggest. You learned your craft the hard way through blood and tears. You keep doing what your doing here.
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Post by Odin Balfore on May 20, 2019 16:37:56 GMT -5
Roleplay: Not Interested Hander: Slayer Overall thoughts: Anarchist in a suit? A suit? Rating Overview Scene Description: 3 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 4 Flow: 5 RATING: 3.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW I just want to say to start off that I know how young Slayer is IRL and that he is miles ahead of me when I was his age. But I need you to remember your gimmick. Bio: Scott Slayer is only 22 years old. He used to be in the WCF and competed for championship gold, but he’s never won a title. He’s not someone to be trusted. He was bullied when he was younger as a child, and was physically abused by his uncle after his parents died. Scott Slayer is an anarchist. He doesn’t like authority and rules. He will win by any means necessary. ANARCHIST. NO RULES. NO AUTHORITY I can get past the conference event. I’m not going to let you live down that suit. Suits = conforming Conforming = not raging against the machine. For instance, there was a guy named Seifer Black. Had this Dexter type of character that was like Evil and killed ppl but he kinda knew? Anyway. One promo the 1st scene he kills a dude. Straight up murder. The next scene ( the last scene ) he and his wife were swimming with dolphins. I reviewed his RP and just obliterated him because he just decided that character consistency wasnt a thing. AND this was for a world title match. I lost my damn mind. Please be consistent to your character. I don’t want to tell you how to write your character but I’m sure as well gonna tell you how to NOT write your character. You need to embrace anarchist. Its not a gimmick to get you world championships ( fuck me, I’ve tried ) but it’ll get you an enduring character and a solidly recognized midcard. Monsters / psychos / anarchy - those are not world title gimmick because having the world title is dangerous to the gimmick in the long run. So you can keep the gimmick but you gotta stick to the gimmick. That gimmick is law in your promos. Let me switch gears though. Your tone is great. You’re sharp and to the point. Fuck you, next question. You ever talk to me again I’ll put you in a body bag. Great. Love it. The SD is short and ok. Could always give more but its a balancing act. I hope that Rage agreed to be in your RP. If not, then its a DQ loss for you. Always make sure you get permission to use ppl in your promos. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Please be consistent with your character. Be consistent with SD Shoots good. Keep doing it. You’ll grow. You’ll get better. You’re already doing well for yourself.
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Post by Crimson Blackwell on May 20, 2019 16:45:10 GMT -5
Roleplay: Not Interested Hander: Slayer Overall thoughts: Anarchist in a suit? A suit? Rating Overview Scene Description: 3 Character Development: 3 Shoot: 4 Flow: 5 RATING: 3.5 of 5 ___________________________________ CRITICAL REVIEW I just want to say to start off that I know how young Slayer is IRL and that he is miles ahead of me when I was his age. But I need you to remember your gimmick. Bio: Scott Slayer is only 22 years old. He used to be in the WCF and competed for championship gold, but he’s never won a title. He’s not someone to be trusted. He was bullied when he was younger as a child, and was physically abused by his uncle after his parents died. Scott Slayer is an anarchist. He doesn’t like authority and rules. He will win by any means necessary. ANARCHIST. NO RULES. NO AUTHORITY I can get past the conference event. I’m not going to let you live down that suit. Suits = conforming Conforming = not raging against the machine. For instance, there was a guy named Seifer Black. Had this Dexter type of character that was like Evil and killed ppl but he kinda knew? Anyway. One promo the 1st scene he kills a dude. Straight up murder. The next scene ( the last scene ) he and his wife were swimming with dolphins. I reviewed his RP and just obliterated him because he just decided that character consistency wasnt a thing. AND this was for a world title match. I lost my damn mind. Please be consistent to your character. I don’t want to tell you how to write your character but I’m sure as well gonna tell you how to NOT write your character. You need to embrace anarchist. Its not a gimmick to get you world championships ( fuck me, I’ve tried ) but it’ll get you an enduring character and a solidly recognized midcard. Monsters / psychos / anarchy - those are not world title gimmick because having the world title is dangerous to the gimmick in the long run. So you can keep the gimmick but you gotta stick to the gimmick. That gimmick is law in your promos. Let me switch gears though. Your tone is great. You’re sharp and to the point. Fuck you, next question. You ever talk to me again I’ll put you in a body bag. Great. Love it. The SD is short and ok. Could always give more but its a balancing act. I hope that Rage agreed to be in your RP. If not, then its a DQ loss for you. Always make sure you get permission to use ppl in your promos. _______________________ SUGGESTIONS Please be consistent with your character. Be consistent with SD Shoots good. Keep doing it. You’ll grow. You’ll get better. You’re already doing well for yourself. Thanks Odin for the feedback. I’ll be sure to take this into consideration. But, I have a question. How is the character of an anarchist not world championship material?
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