Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
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Post by Lockhart on Mar 5, 2019 0:35:01 GMT -5
I'm by no means the GOAT of this shit, but I'm down to read a few RPs here and there in my free time to give some advice and my thoughts. I can give the feedback in here or in a PM. I can't promise it'll be the most in depth or eye opening, but I'll try touch on character development, shoot, flow, creativity, etc.
Or if you just have questions about my writing process and how I go about things feel free to do that as well. Trying to give back to you guys a little who make this place great, hope I can be of some use.
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Post by Dandy DiVito on Mar 5, 2019 0:56:14 GMT -5
If you feel like taking a look at any of my recent shit, I certainly wouldn’t mind your thoughts, dude.
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Post by Wade Moor on Mar 5, 2019 9:47:11 GMT -5
Ill probably chime in with some thoughts from the depths as well
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Mar 5, 2019 11:59:46 GMT -5
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Post by Estrella Luiz ✨ on Mar 5, 2019 11:59:46 GMT -5
Could you read over my last rp please...? It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you ✨
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Mar 5, 2019 12:48:39 GMT -5
Post by Guillotine (QDT) on Mar 5, 2019 12:48:39 GMT -5
An overall impression of my stuff to date would be much appreciated as opposed to a specific roleplay critique if that's fine with you? Wanna get mah shit ova wid da boyz I'm still getting to grips with the 700 word limit in 201 and also still finding my feet with the character. I don't really feel many people know who QDT is and I'm not sure if I've tried to be too abstract or whatever. Candour welcome.
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Mar 7, 2019 19:11:48 GMT -5
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Post by Kennedy Matthews on Mar 7, 2019 19:11:48 GMT -5
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Mar 7, 2019 19:12:12 GMT -5
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Post by Kennedy Matthews on Mar 7, 2019 19:12:12 GMT -5
Could you read over my last rp please...? It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you ✨ Not enough Kennedy. 4/10
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Mar 7, 2019 19:16:36 GMT -5
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Post by Estrella Luiz ✨ on Mar 7, 2019 19:16:36 GMT -5
Not enough Estrella. 1/10 because there’s only one Estrella;)
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Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
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Post by Lockhart on Mar 9, 2019 4:40:39 GMT -5
Name: Dandy DiVito What I Read: She's Gone, How 'Bout Them Apples? and Dear Kidsgrove What I Liked: Your writing voice, character differentiation, dialogue, story. What I Want To See: Go deeper with the shoot! Suggestions: Read ZMAC's shoot and learn from it. Don't copy the style, but take pointers and use it in your own work.
When I made this thread, I did it partly to motivate me to read the work of more of the federation. After reading your stuff, I'm glad I made that decision, and I'll definitely be reading more from you in the future. Sometimes when I'm reading RPs and I'm feeling a little lazy, I'll skip over the story. I had NO desire to do that when I was reading your work though. Your story is interesting, you craft believable relationships and Dandy's interactions with everyone around him.
I enjoyed Dandy's interactions with his father, Affleck and Meri. They seemed real, especially because you have a great way of differentiating between your characters and the separate voices that they use. Sometimes (and I still struggle with this at times) different characters from the same RP can wind up having a similar voice, but this was not a concern in the slightest with you. So excellent job on that front.
As I mentioned, I enjoyed the story and also, I appreciated how realistic it felt. Even though I was reading your most recent stuff, I got a sense of Dandy's backstory and his relationship with his father was made clear as day - I didn't need to go back for context or anything of the sort. Your writing style is clear and effective, I didn't find myself ever getting lost or struggling to understand what was going on.
Keep doing what you're doing when it comes to character development.
In terms of shoot... what you have is good, but I need more from you. Your voice with Dandy is fantastic and unique, use it! You do at some points, but from what I read, I never saw you "go in" so to speak on a person's character and dissect their flaws. You brought up some decent points here and there, but especially with your match against Kidsgrove for the US Title I was expecting more bite to it. Point out his flaws, explain why Dandy is the superior champion and more befitting of the belt. Like I said, you did it a little, but if you did it more? I feel as though that would take your work to the next level. Go deeper with the shoot. Ice these fools and show them why you're the United States Champion. Leave no doubt that Dandy DiVito is a future World Champion.
That's why I suggest you read ZMAC if you don't already and learn from his style. DD and ZMAC are both aggressive beasts that want to fuck you up - and that's exactly what they go out there and do. I'm not saying you have the same style as ZMAC, but I feel like the shoot could definitely be comparable if you dissected your opponent a bit more. ZMAC is an expert at this. He'll discover even the tiniest chink in a character's armor and tear that bitch open. Dandy should do exactly that, albeit in his own way - which I'm confident you'll be able to do considering your skills with writing dialogue.
If you have any more questions or wanted something more specific, be sure to hit me with a reply or PM. I'm down to discuss a bit more and read other RPs of your choosing if you like.
Edit: Also, I forgot to mention that the way you keep your story super relevant to Action Wrestling is EXCELLENT. Keep that shit up. Linking your story to being match relevant is the best way to maintaining a good flow in your work, and is way better than just tacking on a shoot at the end of your piece.
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Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
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Post by Lockhart on Mar 9, 2019 5:02:58 GMT -5
Name: Estrella Luiz What I Read: Ganador Legitimo and Be A Star. What I Like: RP Format/Idea, Character Voice. What I Want To See: Expand your ideas! Develop her character more! Suggestions: Plan out some character development for Estrella over the next month. First things first, I love the idea behind having Estrella’s promo videos being Youtube videos. It makes sense for the character, and with the way you write the character and the voice she has, it’s very believable. When I read “Ganador Legitimo” and you wrote the rumor about Zara and Lockhart getting together that gave me an idea for you that should play into your character nicely – have her spread these rumors through her channel and make it an ongoing thing. Have Estrella be this supposedly “all-knowing” source of information and have her release all this news, true or not, in order to “get into the head” of the opponent. I feel like this would work wonders for Estrella, as it would make her even more of a bitchy heel persona. Have her question the morals of her opponents, have her roast them. Hell, have Estrella's viewers send in "weekly questions" on her opponents, and have Estrella answer them in the most condescending way possible. Speaking of the bitchy heel persona, I like the voice you’ve gone with and think it suits the character and what you’re trying to go for. She gives no-one else credit and puts other people down, she complained about Zara being “gifted” a win. I like that. Keep doing that. As a heel, this is the sort of work you want to be doing. If possible though, I’d like to see more character development. We can gather a great sense of what Estrella is simply through her dialogue, but in the RPs it’s also beneficial if we’re given more backstory, or at least something else to attach ourselves to when we’re not reading shoot. You can still do this through the youtube video format. Have a cameraman follow her around while she’s doing something, let’s see how Estrella behaves in public, her interactions with other people, how others react to her and why they like or dislike her. All of this allows us to become more attached to the character and figure out why we’re either rooting for or against her from one match to the next. You have the basis for an interesting character, I just think you need to find a direction and go with it. If you have the time to, try and plan a small character development arc with Estrella, let us in more on her personal life and what she’s like when she isn’t shooting on her opponents. If you do that, it would mix perfectly with the shoot format that you currently have going on, especially if you include it all in one “video”. For example: 1: Estrella is out doing personal business/living her life, talking with friends, family, whatever. 2: Someone brings up her match for the week. Estrella shoots on opponent. 3: Wrap up the shoot, have Estrella exit “match mode” and go back to whatever she was doing beforehand, let us see the change in character and what Estrella is doing outside of wrestling. That’s a really summarized version of it, and obviously you need to come up a story arc that is interesting and not just something that’s like: 1: Ryan Lockhart goes to get ice-cream. 2: Ryan eats ice-cream. The ice-cream melts and he gets angry. 3: He gets so angry that he cuts a promo on Brooke Bell. That would just be considered filler and context for a scene that didn’t really need it. Make your words count (like you already do, I didn’t really see any filler in either of the RPs I read) and craft an interesting story that we as readers can get behind! Hope this helps.
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Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
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Post by Lockhart on Mar 9, 2019 5:40:33 GMT -5
Name: Quixote Della Torre What I Read: Time To Heel, Spare The Girl Save The Monster?, Blind Date, Get Back In Your Cage, Holding All The Cards, Ring Of Fire. What I Like: Variety, Shoot, QDT. What I Want To See: QDT become unhinged. Use the “philosophy” and have him perform deranged ramblings. QDT is a unique character, so keep running with that! Suggestions: Keep doing what you’re doing and continue to develop this heel persona for QDT.
I have competed in a micro-fed once with a word-limit of 500, I was okay at it but nothing special. Reading your stuff though? I’m impressed. Even with the small word limit, it feels like you get a good amount of content in and I’d put that down mostly to your usage of words. There’s little filler, everything serves a purpose and reveals or expands upon an aspect of the QDT character.
On QDT… he’s an odd fucking specimen. And I like it. All of the themed RPs with his father, and the way you linked each of the situations to a specific opponent, was interesting and definitely the blueprint on how to succeed in the 201 and Fun division if you ask me. Keep doing that. While you definitely have the ability to just write a straight up “shoot RP” on a dude and get the win, I much preferred watching you craft a shoot around the basis of a theme. For instance, the tarot cards or the peppers. It’s smart, it’s effective, it works. Good shit.
Don’t want to suck your dick too hard, but there isn’t really much I can criticize or a glaring weak point that I think you need to improve upon. With a character like QDT though, I think it’s important to keep progressing his character. You’ve just made a big shift in terms of his character, one that you hinted at throughout several roleplays. Now is the time to go in on that shit and give it momentum and importance.
As I wrote in “What I Want To See”… make QDT go off the rails. The dude just laid down some fucking hands on his parents. Push that shit. Make us hate him. Make us want him to lose. Even though he’s doing all this shit, keep pushing the “philosophical” side of him and make everyone seem like idiots for even caring that QDT is doing this. RP with him as though he’s just plain smarter than everybody, like he’s got that 200IQ while everyone else can’t even scrape by into triple digits.
You got this shit, I can through the progression of your work that you’re becoming more accustomed to the 700 word limit and it shows with your quality. It’s only getting better and QDT is continuing to come into his own. Keep it up!
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Post by Guillotine (QDT) on Mar 9, 2019 8:53:46 GMT -5
Much appreciated! Off the rails I go, with bells on
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Post by Beau Del Sol on Mar 9, 2019 13:14:53 GMT -5
Feel free to snag one of mine if ya want Lockhart. I been trying to get true feedback for a while now
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Mar 9, 2019 13:42:05 GMT -5
Post by Dandy DiVito on Mar 9, 2019 13:42:05 GMT -5
What I Want To See: Go deeper with the shoot! I appreciate your kind words and the time you took to check out my stuff. I know I struggle when it comes to the shoot. To be entirely honest, I just don't really *get* it. I'm a proficient shit talker IRL, but my best shit is one liners or burns peppered into a conversation. I think DD reflects that. So on a philosophical level, the shoot just doesn't click for me. I'm certainly going to read more ZMAC stuff, and see what I can do to head a bit more down that road. I appreciate the suggestion/advice, man.
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Post by Claire Hawkins on Mar 9, 2019 17:20:34 GMT -5
Should you have the time, and the mental fortitude to withstand the trauma, I would love your thoughts on my stuff.
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Post by Zombie McMorris on Mar 9, 2019 17:20:51 GMT -5
I approve of this thread. 10/10 props
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Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
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Ask Me!
Mar 10, 2019 0:16:53 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Lockhart on Mar 10, 2019 0:16:53 GMT -5
I approve of this thread. 10/10 props It'll have to do until the superior Odin feedback thread is made.
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Mar 10, 2019 15:43:22 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Geri Vayden on Mar 10, 2019 15:43:22 GMT -5
Still could use a little feedback lol
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Lockhart
Professional Wrestler
Playtime is over.
Posts: 743
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Post by Lockhart on Mar 11, 2019 7:28:04 GMT -5
Sorry for being a little slack. I have a 3 hour break between my classes at university tomorrow, so I should be able to get through at least Kennedy and Beau, and hopefully Claire too!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2019 16:01:57 GMT -5
Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!
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