Post by Zombie McMorris on Dec 6, 2018 21:56:09 GMT -5
ADUB
Team Team Contendership
ZMAC / Beau Blaze
Vs
Onyx / Dark Tiger
wordcount: 1779 of 2k
__________________________
* Fade in -> African Savannah. A Tribe of half naked Savannah Bunnies scurry around, praying to their heathen God with War drum pounding. Big Tittay African Bush booties k-k-k-laapin about. Ceremonial beads swaying in the wind. Our bois, ZMAC and Beau Blaze chillin on a log off to the side, at the edge of a clearing. ZMAC smoking rocks. Beau got the freshest, dankest, fattest marlboro he could find. Beau takes a drag of his cig and then spits off to the side. *
Beau: Welp, I guess it aint no stereotype if its true. That fella over there would knock himself clean out iff’n he did him a handstand.
ZMAC: Its what happens when you spend generations eatin lion dick.
Beau: See, now like, they doin it all wrong. Their heathen god of the sky or the grass or whatever aint going to hear them with those pansy ass calls. You gotta shout. You gotta make God fear you. Lessen, that's what I would do. But we’re here as guests, so far be it from me to insult another mans customs in his own home. I mean, I don’t want some guy comin into my house and tellin me its wrong to put the cereal in after the milk. It just ain’t right. They just better darn hurry it up so we can get tah killin.
* the dancing and drums stop as one of the tribesmen walks up to the duo and speaks in a thick Ugandan-eque accent *
Triblesmen: De ritual of successful hunt ‘as bin fufilled. You two now know dey whey. We th’aink you again for traveling all de whey to Whaa’Kan’da to help us. We called on our son, Apex Onyx but’all whey get is a link tu hiz sound kloud. He say it is hawt fire but it doez not smack.
Beau: Yah well, I ain’t no alligator wrestler but it aint gotta be no dif’rent that ridin ontop a bull. I once did twelve seconds on a Bull back there in Tijuana. Yup, they had him watch as they took away his food stamps and his playstation 4. They tried with an xbox but wouldn't you know it, bulls don’t play xbox. Boy was he sure as hell mad. So I don’t think this would be a problem.
Tibesmen: I don’t know whyat thez things are but dhey zound racist.
Beau: Nah, not at all. The Bulls like it, really. They like it when the superior white man gets on top of them and rides them for money, dominating them using them for sport. Gives them a thrill.
Tribesmen: Alligator eats Whaa’kan’dans for sport. It not fun at t’all.
Beau: Eatin’ all them fine ebony beauties? Well we cant be havin that. Don’t worry, me and ZMAC will catch you that gator.
* Beau backhands ZMAC across the chest as we get our title card. *
Cocaine Cowboys
In
Whaa’kan’da Weeps
* fade back into the scene *
ZMAC: I wana know how the fuck you dragged me into this.
* ZMAC hits his gold crackpipe. *
ZMAC: Right. The crack. Always with the crack.
Beau: I don’t know much about no gators but they are tough and they are crazy and you gots to be one of the toughest and craziest sons a bitchs I know. Plus, I heard you fought a kraken one time. So this gotta be like the same thing.
* ZMAC thinks back on the kraken story *
ZMAC: That.. didnt turn out so well.
Beau: Nonsense. I bet it turned out fine. Do you still have the offering we brought or did you drink it all?
* ZMAC takes out a bottle of Henny from his jacket. *
ZMAC: Something tells me this is a bad idea but fuck it, you boys go get drunk. We’ll be back at sundown.
* Fade out. *
_________________________
* Fade back in-> ZMAC and Beau are at the edge of a lake. Beau dressed in his cowboy attire and ZMAC is wearing crocs and a terry cloth bathroom. *
Beau: Z, why the hell did you change into that?
ZMAC: I dunno. Just feel more.. Croc like. I mean, I feel like if Steve Irwin were here right now in 2018, he’d be rockin this shit for sure. Like, if you wana catch a croc, you gotta BE the croc.
Beau: What do you think we should use as bait? I thinking chicken N’ Waffles.
ZMAC: Its a croc, I think it just eats whatever it wants.
Beau: Well not till its seen ZMAC and Beau Blaze, it aint. Its about to shit its pants in fear. We about to rip that gator a new asshole. I know they say its thirty feet long but you know what - its fine. He’s no match for the TV Champ of year.
ZMAC: Did you just hold a grudge?
Beau: WHat? With you, the champ; nah. I’m just sayin far be it from me to get between you and that ninety foot living dinosaur.
ZMAC: Didnt you just say thirty feet?
Beau: ZMAC, its hard to tell with these myths. Somedays its ten feet, next day its thirty and today its ninety feet and breaths fire. I’m just sayin, I know you can hold your breath for like five minutes. I mean, like, I would do it myself but I forgot my water wings in the car.
ZMAC: We didnt bring a car.
Beau: What I’m tryin to say is, you bring that nasty somma bitch up here on that land and I’ll do the rest. You know, fifty-fifty, champ.
* ZMAC sighs *
ZMAC: OK. Maximum effort.
* as he wades into the water like some ghetto superstar Steve Irwin. There in the lake he encounters a fifty foot albino croc, the size of a city bus. Side headlocks be damned as the croc head whips ZMAC out of the water. A hundred, two hundred, three hundred feet into the air but here comes ZMAC, crashing into the earth like a bolt of lightning with a falcon punch into the waiting jaws of the croc. The water explodes all around them on impact.*
Beau: Holy shit! Haha. That crazy mother fucker.
*zoom in on a half dead croc floating upside down with ZMAC floating face down next to him. *
* Fade out. *
_________________________
* Fade into the Cocaine Cowboys dragging the croc back into the tribes camp. They come upon the camp which now looks like Compton at 3 AM. pitsbulls barking, sirens going off. Gun shots. Lean. rachet hoodrats twerkin’ N’ werkin.’ *
Beau: My god.
ZMAC: Its that Henny; makes them wild. Makes them crazy. Makes then wear crocs and terry cloth bath towels thinking that's its clothing. Makes them go to ‘insert shitty cock joke here’ in an attempt to show the world that you witty N’ funny while you go and buy used 2008 cars that ain’t no more klassic than the shoot that you be spittin. Wakanda is in a sad state. I weep for Wakanda. Just as I weep for Onyx and Tiger. I weep for the fools and the fuccbois thrust into a situation that they do not have any understanding for.
That's another thing, where did Oynx get enough money to go buy himself anything more than sumthin from JD Byrider. Sure, he’s got 350 a week but that black bad ass aint got credit. Dark Tiger aint over there loaning him shit for nuttin. Between the two of them they cant afford common sense. They about to get bamboozled this week against us. They just two scrubs going up against the 201 and TV Champ of the year. I’m made a livin off us sinkin these fgts beneath them waves. We goin after fight smart. We going after the tippy-top and the negress ( negressess? Negrisi? ) going to get thawked and taken out like we did here this croc. Fifty feet, twenty feet -> that shit don’t matter cuz we k-k-k-ummin fo they scalps. They like 69 in the lunch line. They don’t want none of this. Turns out they just fake gangstas with a stubbed toe and a kool-aid smile. Couldn’t crip walk even if I broke they legs. But this week, we gone put that to the test. When they come up against that 8 second from hell, that electric chair, top rope-> twistin’ stunnah combo -> it gone be lights out for Oynx N Tiger. Two endangered species. A black tigah and sum funky ol’ rich nigress who cant get out of his own way and continues to put the social perception of his entire race and culture back here in the fuckin dark ages.
Yo Onyx, Imma truthful with you real quick cuz ZMAC always be tellin them truth bombs. When the world asks what Africa did in three thousand years. When they ask why there aint no prominent full darkys like yaself who went and made that history. Looky what we did here today. Look at this proud culture reduced to hood rat status. Look at chaself with your plastic shoes made for children and geriatics. Look at cha self, buyin shit you aint got no business buyin cuz you cant afford it. Look at chaself with your dumbass ‘black powah’ bull-shit and know the only powah you held-> you aint evah gonna get back.
So everyday from this day till your last is just you and yours like you -> chasing an impossible dream. You want the better life but you aint willin to put the time in. However, Ol’ Z willin. Been willin. Been up in this shit killin fools every day of my damn life. Monday night,m you fight the cocaine cowboys and we dont even like each other that much but fuck it, we’ll stomach it for the shot at those tag belts. Walk through you like a thot on lean. Make you ride that pain train till your sick in the stomach and in the head. Make you question your life choices.
Make you wish you were dead.
Cocaine cowbois are kummin at chu ad hell is cummin with us.
Trust us.
Because we know you, two. You’re ugly on the inside. Ugly like us. We can see through you. See your true colors.
And on Monday night, we gone make sure you take that 8 seconds from hell. And we’ll see who's standing tall.. And who aint standin at all.
And remember.
Hell. comes. For. you. All.