Post by Sidney J. Warwick on Nov 18, 2018 23:58:24 GMT -5
(The camera comes up just outside of London's Palace of Westminster, home to the famous clock tower that most in the western world refer to as "Big Ben," even though that's technically the name of the of the bell and not the tower as a whole. Standing at the base of the tower is a young, gaunt man in his early twenties who wears a pencil-thin mustache on his upper lip, looking very much like a young John Waters. He addresses the camera, speaking in strong, almost stereotypical British accent.)
Man: 'ello, 'ello, 'ello BBC Three viewers, this is your ole' pal Chauncey Bucksworth III comin' atchya from just outside the ole' towah 'ere. As ye know, 'or the last month our country 'as been the subject of a right propa invasion from across the pond. In fact ye might say it’s the opposite of the British Invasion of the 1960s, but this version isn't 'bout a band o' mop tops strummin' on their guitars, oh no. This invasion is all 'bout a band o' sweaty muscled misfits goin' on tour wit' their professional wrestling antics.
Yes, the stars of Action Wrestling 'ave enta-tained an' trhilled us for weeks now an' it all comes ta a head at Wembley Stadium this weekend for Turmoil, their big capper on 2018.
I'm here this week to see how these phenomenal athletes do it by profilin' one of their best, none otha' than the World Heavyweight Champion, Sidney J. Warwick.
(The camera shot widens to show that Warwick has been standing next to Chauncey all along, decked out in a mauve tracksuit and wearing three different sweatbands across his forehead. Rather than air-boxing as many other combat sports competitors might do while preparing to give an interview to a mainstream journalist, Warwick is throwing air-knife-edge chops.)
Chauncey: Sidney, you've been required by new AW general manager Camila Gonzalez to put your World Championship on the line for the first time, an' you've got not one but two game opponents in Olympic gold medalist Karlie Nash an' the competitor who is totally out of this world, "Out of This World" L Verez. Sid, how do you prepare for competition like this?
Sidney: Some people think that the wrestling game is purely a physical endeavor, but the fact of the matter is that it's about fifty percent physical and fifty percent mental. Yes, I will be swinging my kettle bells, limbering up during my goat yoga sessions, and aggressively rowing back and forth on my rowing machine. However, if I stopped there, I would lose this match and my championship - no question. The mental part of the game is just as important, and today I've decided to give your BBC Three viewers the opportunity to take a look into Sidney Warwick's preparation for the mental part of the game.
Chauncey: Fascinatin'!
(The scene fades to black and reopens indoors. We are in a large, open room. Two young female nurses walk back and forth between ten different wheelchairs to check on the occupants of those wheelchairs, men and women who are each at least seventy years old. Chauncey and Sidney are standing amid the sea of grandparents.)
Chauncey: And, afta' havin' hijacked me-self an' me entire production team, Mr. Warwick 'as brought us 'ere to the Geritol Acres Rest 'ome in south Greenwich. Mr. Warwick, can you tell us what we are doing 'ere?
Sidney: Of course. As I said before, at least half of the wrestling game is mental, and, in order to master the mental component of the game, you must understand who your opponent is as a person. I am here today to deepen my understanding of one of my upcoming opponents, Karlie Nash.
Chauncey: But 'ow do you expect to do that? Karlie Nash is a 'ighly trained and decorated athlete in the prime o' 'er life! What could a group of old coots possibly 'ave to teach you 'bout 'er?
Sidney: Have you ever watched a Karlie Nash promo? The woman is more one dimensional that a piece of notebook paper. Every time out, we follow the same pattern: Karlie has just finished wrestling. Karlie is somewhere you would expect a wrestler to be, say a motel. Karlie meets an older woman whose picture looks like it was ripped out of the early stages of a photoset on a MILF porn site, before any of the good stuff happens. Karlie and the woman go to bed together. Karlie says a couple of canned lines about her next opponent. Boom, that's it. Lather, rinse, repeat. No originality.
So, if I'm going to try to put myself into the headspace of Karlie Nash, I'm going to have to-
Chauncey: You don't mean what I think you mean.
Sidney: Oh, I do. That's why I downloaded "Geezr," the app for those interested in dating older women. That's where I met-
(Before the World Champion can finish his sentence, a wheelchair rolls over from across the room, occupied by a woman who looks remarkably good for being in her early 90s.)
(She wheels up right behind Sidney and gives him a good, solid slap on the ass.)
Sidney: You must be Harriet Nielson.
(A man parked in a wheelchair a few feet away begins laughing heartily.)
Man: Oh, ho ho ho! It looks like Horndog Harriet has reeled in another one!
Harriet: Room 223, sweetie, and make it snappy. I don't have any time to lose at this stage of my life.
(We cut to a shot of Chauncey Bucksworth standing in an eggshell white hallway, outside of a doorway that has a placard reading "223 - NIELSON." As Chauncey stands outside the door, we can periodically hear the voices of Sidney and Harriet from inside.)
Sidney: Okay, so what's the best way for me to- I mean, let's just say that I don't want to break a hip.
Harriet: Don't worry about it, hon. If Prime Minister Churchill didn't break me, no man will!
Sidney: Let me just-
(Odd tearing noises are heard, after which an off-white mass flies through the doorway and past Chauncey's head, landing with a "splat" on the floor. The intrepid reporter picks it up and finds that it is an adult diaper, slightly used. Chauncey recoils and drops it back down.)
Harriet: Come on, get in there! Pretend you're fighting the Kaiser and engaged in trench warfare!
Sidney: Oh god. This is not what I expec-OH!
(Another item goes whizzing past Chauncey's head, flying into the wall and shattering into a hundred pieces. Chauncey picks a few of the fragments up in his right hand and examines them, discovering that they are false teeth.)
Harriet: BLIGHTY!
(Chauncey's face has taken on a light shade of green as he hears several more ghastly noises emanating from the room and then silence. After a few moments, SJW emerges, zipping up the jacket of his track. He pops a couple of sugar-free Werther's Originals into his mouth.)
Chauncey: Do I even want to ask what that was like?
Sidney: Have you ever absent-mindedly taken a sip of milk that has hung out in your refrigerator for a month after its expiration date?
Chauncey: Yes.
Sidney: Just think of that, but in your pants. I don't know how Karlie does it every week.
(Harriet yells out, still within her room.)
Harriet: Let me know what town you're going to next so that I know where to send you a telegram!
Sidney: Let's get out of here. I've got an appointment to keep regarding my research into the background of L Verez.
(Our camera cuts away again, and, when we come back, we see Sidney sitting in the center of what appears to be a reproduction of the bridge set utilized on Star Trek. Warwick is seated in the captain's chair, dressed in a replica of the costume typically worn by William Shatner. Unknown individuals are also on the set wearing Star Trek uniforms and acting as though they are fiddling with various buttons and other devices. We hear a voiceover from Sidney.)
Voiceover: Space. The final frontier. These are the pretend voyages fabricated by the mind of an individual with a mental illness who seeks to inflate her self-worth by pretending that she is some sort of galactic defender when in reality she is an upper-midcard professional wrestler who has recently gotten a couple of fluke victories over an aging legend. Our continuing mission is to attempt to convince the world that aliens, time-travelers, and Bonnie Blue exist when any rational believer in real-world science knows that these are nothing more than plot points in the children's books that were penned by Stan Lee and his ilk. We claim to seek out new life and strange worlds, when the reality of the situation is that we have no lives of our own and we should spend more time caring about the world we currently inhabit, which we are making a worse place by creating vapid, meaningless science fiction entertainment that distracts many a brilliant mind by focusing on the real injustices that plague us.
(An odd mechanical binging noise emerges from the front of the set.)
Sidney: Mr. Sulu, put that image on screen.
(A young man of Asian descent sitting towards the front of the set presses a couple of buttons, and the following image appears.)
Sidney: Can I help you?
Alien: It is I, your interstellar arch-nemesis and oddly Latino alien R Driguez, hailing you from the Starship Trans-4-M! We have received word that your ship contains a strategic supply of dilithium crystals that we need to tesseract to our homeworld of Tatooine for use in fighting off the advances of the dreaded Heffalumps!
Sidney: Before we discuss the dilithium crystals, Ms. Driguez, may I ask you one question?
R Driguez: You may, puny earth man!
Sidney: What does any of this have to do with professional wrestling?
R Driguez: Pardon?
Sidney: I'm a professional wrestler, and I have come here today to this Star Trek convention in order to get better insight into one of my upcoming opponents who appears to be into this science fiction double feature nonsense and goes on and on about it at length during promos instead of running down her opponents or exciting our fans. As I sit here and listen to all of the nonsensical gobbledygook that you've been spewing about Cylons and Wall-E's, I cannot for the life of me piece together what any of this has to do with the subject of climbing into the squared circle with an opponent and attempting to pin their shoulders to the mat.
Don't get me wrong, I have no issue if somebody wants to go write geeky self-insert fan fiction for Dr. Who or Babylon 5 or whatever series you fancy yourself as being from, but, if you're going to do that, go do it on your Livejournal.
R Driguez: I really don't have a good answer for that. I'm going to go stare longingly at the signed 8x10s of JJ Abrams that I bought for $5,000.00 at last year's MegaGeekCon after standing in line for six hours.
Sidney: You go do that. It seems like a much more productive use of your time.
(Our camera cuts once more, and now we see SJW inside a dressing room, removing the Captain Kirk outfit. He is then joined by Chauncey Bucksworth.)
Chauncey: I have to say that I have never seen a professional athlete prepare quite like you have today. It seemed like you were putting yourself into positions in which you were ridiculing Karlie Nash and L Verez, not scouting them. Can you give me more insight into your feelings on the Turmoil match?
Sidney: Certainly, Chauncey. Before we get too far into the particulars of my opponents and how I will defeat them, let me say something about this match more generally. This match was not finalized until the very last moments of this week's Monday Night Clash, which means that there hasn't been nearly as much time for the wrestling media to break it down and hype it up as there would normally be. Because of that, I would like to point out something about this match that I don't know I have seen somebody discuss prior to now.
Let's take a look at the competitors in this match:
Sidney J. Warwick.
Karlie Nash.
L Verez.
What we have here is a three-way match for the most prestigious championship that exists in our sport, and the people who are vying for that championship are a transgender man, a lesbian, and a transgender woman. Did you ever in your life think that you would see such a match headlining a major wrestling pay per view? Sure, something like this might have been trotted out to headline an independent show, but we're talking about a card that will occur live in front of 88,000 screaming fans, in addition to being broadcast live throughout the world on pay per view.
Eighteen months ago, prior to my professional wrestling debut, it was unthinkable that three members of the LGBTQIAPK community would be permitted to face each other in such a high profile matchup.
Things have changed, though. I took the professional wrestling world by storm, kicked down doors, and proved that a trans wrestler can be just as successful as any of the cishet scum that have dominated this sport for far too long. If it wasn't for Sidney J. Warwick becoming the WCF Alpha Champion, the WCF Omega Champion, and ultimately the WCF World Champion; if it wasn't for Sidney J. Warwick winning War XVI and Hellimination 2018; if it wasn't for Sidney J. Warwick dominating Roy Speede and becoming the Action Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion, NOBODY would have stuck their neck out and booked this match. It would have been seen as too risky, too far outside of the mainstream in order to make money.
With all of that in mind, the first thing that I have to say to you L and Karlie, is this: You're welcome.
Without me blazing the trail for you, you would not have been allowed in this match. Sure, one or the other of you could have potentially been put into a title match as a token queer participant, but it wouldn’t be the three of us in the same place at the same time. No way, no how.
Chauncey: That is incredible, Mr. Warwick. I can't say that I would've thought of it me-self!
Warwick: It's quite the leap forward for representation in our industry, Chauncey, but there is still more work to be done. You see, even though I have this World Championship and even though I am prominently featured on the Turmoil card, there is still one small problem we have to deal with.
Chauncey: What's that?
Warwick: Despite being the most revolutionary and groundbreaking World Champion this sport has seen in the last half-century, I am NOT in the main event of this pay per view. The behind-the-scenes braintrust of Action Wrestling has decided that, rather than having their WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION headline this show as would comport with decades of tradition and etiquette in the professional wrestling world, the main event slot is actually going to go to yet another match between Spencer Adams and Wade Moor, a match that we have all seen before and are frankly bored with, all because they're afraid that the conservative bigots of the world will turn on the show if it's perceived as being just the slightest bit "too gay." For all the progress that we have made, I am disgusted that Torture and Gravedigger would give in to such homophobic, transphobic fascists and refuse to give me the main event slot that I have so rightfully earned.
Because of that, I have a suggestion for Karlie Nash and L Verez:
Stay down.
You are newcomers to the championship scene. I have now been the champion since Carnage, and, in those few short weeks, I have already worked behind the scenes and in front of the camera to make the progress that was necessary to get the three of us into this match. However, as I mentioned just a few moments ago, there is much more work to be done. There are many more doors to be knocked on, many more sensitivity trainings and seminars that need to be held before we will have obtained the full acceptance necessary so that we can all main event this promotion or any wrestling promotion that we choose.
I have already started that work. If either one of you defeats me for this World Championship at Turmoil, you will undo all the good that I have done, and you will essentially put us back at square one. We'll have to start over at the very beginning and re-do much of what I have started. Meanwhile, if you simply allow me to move forward with my championship reign, I can continue to break down walls and defy stereotypes for all of us, building on the momentum that I have previously established.
If you beat me, and if you stop that momentum, you will halt our progress. You will snuff out the dreams of that little closeted gay boy in Kansas who thinks that he can be the next Donald Deruty. You will kill off the goals of that small child in Nebraska who simultaneously realizes that they are agender and that they want to be a professional wrestler when you grow up.
In other words, if you beat me, you will be a traitor to your own people.
Chauncey: Those are certainly harsh words for your opponents.
Sidney: Of course, I shouldn't really be worried, Chauncey. Though things would certainly be easier for all involved if Karlee and L would realize the special place that I have in history and step aside to allow me to continue to develop that, I will be able to easily vanquish them even if they do put up a fight.
Chauncey: Are you sure about that? I'm not the biggest wrestling fan in the world, but I've done some research, and Karlie Nash is a tough character. You don't medal in ice hockey by being a slouch.
Sidney: Sure, Karlie has some impressive athletic accomplishments under her belt, but let me ask you this question: What has she accomplished in Action Wrestling since her debut in the company? The answer is virtually nothing. She has had championship match after championship match but has never walked away with any gold, and, more recently, she's suffered about a solid month's worth of consecutive losses. Granted, she will blame those losses on poor officiating, and it wouldn't surprise me if the heteronormative referees of AW were biased against this stalwart lesbian superstar, but let's be real for a moment. Biased referees or not, you do not become the number one contender to a World Championship by losing. A World Title isn't something that you "fail up" in to earning. Karlie isn't in this match legitimately. There's only one reason that she's here.
Chauncey: An' why's that?
Sidney: It's because the Action Wrestling booking committee thinks that a Sidney J. Warwick versus L Verez feud has more legs to it than simply a one-off pay per view match. Think about it for a second. If L and I face each other in singles competition and one of us wins cleanly and one of us loses cleanly, that's pretty much the end of things. It's pretty difficult to come back with a rematch after that. However, if they construct a triple threat match with a clearly inferior competitor in the third spot, a weak link if you will, the odds are good that L or I will win and we'll win by pinning Karlie.
After that, the one of us who loses the match but does not get pinned has a legitimate gripe and grounds for a rematch at the next pay per view. That's why you're in this match, Karlie Nash. It has nothing to do with your own merits and has everything to do with being a pawn in the greater series of matches that our new general manager Camila Gonzalez wants to see play out between me and my other opponent.
I look forward to you dutifully serving in that role, Karlie.
Chauncey: Well that makes sense, then. It sounds like yer still viewin' L Verez as a legitimate opponent, though. Any thoughts on her?
Sidney: Honestly, though I consider her to be much more of a threat than Karlie Nash, I still don't know that I see L Verez as being capable of knocking me off for this championship. Much like Nash, Verez is coming into this match on a cold streak, not a hot one, as she just got defeated by Spencer Adams in the Wrestler of the Year tournament and was yet for some reason rewarded with a title shot for getting punked out by a more talented competitor.
Of course, some brave keyboard warriors out there will want to interrupt me and say, "Well wait a second, Sidney! You were also defeated by Wade Moor in the Wrestler of the Year tournament, so are you really any better than L Verez?"
The answer is yes. Undeniably yes.
Also, if you want more distinction between myself and L Verez, look at where she was before that Wrestler of the Year loss as compared to where I was before that Wrestler of the Year loss. I defeated two former AW World Champions in a span of weeks in order to become the titleholder, first pinning Donald Deruty as part of my march towards becoming number one contender and then unseating Roy Speede, the first and some would say greatest champion in the history of this promotion, to begin my title reign.
Has L Verez done anything comparable to that? No.
Some people would say that her two consecutive victories over Corey Black have served as her major breakout in the world of wrestling, but to that I say pish tosh. Corey Black is a lot like the WCF, the crumbling wrestling promotion to which he still hopelessly clings. Both of them had their glory days, but those glory days were several presidential administrations ago, and it's high time that each of them be put out of their misery. L Verez may well have been the person to do that, but taking an old dog out back and shooting it is as much of an accomplishment as beating up the frail nonagenarian that I made sweet delicate love to just a couple of hours ago. It's nothing, L, and your so-called rise to the top has also been nothing.
So with that, I say good night to you, Chauncey Bucksworth, and I say good night to the viewers of BBC Three. I'll see you again come Turmoil, where, at the end of the show, I will still be holding my championship belt aloft over Jolly Old England.
(And with that, we fade to black one last time.)
Man: 'ello, 'ello, 'ello BBC Three viewers, this is your ole' pal Chauncey Bucksworth III comin' atchya from just outside the ole' towah 'ere. As ye know, 'or the last month our country 'as been the subject of a right propa invasion from across the pond. In fact ye might say it’s the opposite of the British Invasion of the 1960s, but this version isn't 'bout a band o' mop tops strummin' on their guitars, oh no. This invasion is all 'bout a band o' sweaty muscled misfits goin' on tour wit' their professional wrestling antics.
Yes, the stars of Action Wrestling 'ave enta-tained an' trhilled us for weeks now an' it all comes ta a head at Wembley Stadium this weekend for Turmoil, their big capper on 2018.
I'm here this week to see how these phenomenal athletes do it by profilin' one of their best, none otha' than the World Heavyweight Champion, Sidney J. Warwick.
(The camera shot widens to show that Warwick has been standing next to Chauncey all along, decked out in a mauve tracksuit and wearing three different sweatbands across his forehead. Rather than air-boxing as many other combat sports competitors might do while preparing to give an interview to a mainstream journalist, Warwick is throwing air-knife-edge chops.)
Chauncey: Sidney, you've been required by new AW general manager Camila Gonzalez to put your World Championship on the line for the first time, an' you've got not one but two game opponents in Olympic gold medalist Karlie Nash an' the competitor who is totally out of this world, "Out of This World" L Verez. Sid, how do you prepare for competition like this?
Sidney: Some people think that the wrestling game is purely a physical endeavor, but the fact of the matter is that it's about fifty percent physical and fifty percent mental. Yes, I will be swinging my kettle bells, limbering up during my goat yoga sessions, and aggressively rowing back and forth on my rowing machine. However, if I stopped there, I would lose this match and my championship - no question. The mental part of the game is just as important, and today I've decided to give your BBC Three viewers the opportunity to take a look into Sidney Warwick's preparation for the mental part of the game.
Chauncey: Fascinatin'!
(The scene fades to black and reopens indoors. We are in a large, open room. Two young female nurses walk back and forth between ten different wheelchairs to check on the occupants of those wheelchairs, men and women who are each at least seventy years old. Chauncey and Sidney are standing amid the sea of grandparents.)
Chauncey: And, afta' havin' hijacked me-self an' me entire production team, Mr. Warwick 'as brought us 'ere to the Geritol Acres Rest 'ome in south Greenwich. Mr. Warwick, can you tell us what we are doing 'ere?
Sidney: Of course. As I said before, at least half of the wrestling game is mental, and, in order to master the mental component of the game, you must understand who your opponent is as a person. I am here today to deepen my understanding of one of my upcoming opponents, Karlie Nash.
Chauncey: But 'ow do you expect to do that? Karlie Nash is a 'ighly trained and decorated athlete in the prime o' 'er life! What could a group of old coots possibly 'ave to teach you 'bout 'er?
Sidney: Have you ever watched a Karlie Nash promo? The woman is more one dimensional that a piece of notebook paper. Every time out, we follow the same pattern: Karlie has just finished wrestling. Karlie is somewhere you would expect a wrestler to be, say a motel. Karlie meets an older woman whose picture looks like it was ripped out of the early stages of a photoset on a MILF porn site, before any of the good stuff happens. Karlie and the woman go to bed together. Karlie says a couple of canned lines about her next opponent. Boom, that's it. Lather, rinse, repeat. No originality.
So, if I'm going to try to put myself into the headspace of Karlie Nash, I'm going to have to-
Chauncey: You don't mean what I think you mean.
Sidney: Oh, I do. That's why I downloaded "Geezr," the app for those interested in dating older women. That's where I met-
(Before the World Champion can finish his sentence, a wheelchair rolls over from across the room, occupied by a woman who looks remarkably good for being in her early 90s.)
(She wheels up right behind Sidney and gives him a good, solid slap on the ass.)
Sidney: You must be Harriet Nielson.
(A man parked in a wheelchair a few feet away begins laughing heartily.)
Man: Oh, ho ho ho! It looks like Horndog Harriet has reeled in another one!
Harriet: Room 223, sweetie, and make it snappy. I don't have any time to lose at this stage of my life.
(We cut to a shot of Chauncey Bucksworth standing in an eggshell white hallway, outside of a doorway that has a placard reading "223 - NIELSON." As Chauncey stands outside the door, we can periodically hear the voices of Sidney and Harriet from inside.)
Sidney: Okay, so what's the best way for me to- I mean, let's just say that I don't want to break a hip.
Harriet: Don't worry about it, hon. If Prime Minister Churchill didn't break me, no man will!
Sidney: Let me just-
(Odd tearing noises are heard, after which an off-white mass flies through the doorway and past Chauncey's head, landing with a "splat" on the floor. The intrepid reporter picks it up and finds that it is an adult diaper, slightly used. Chauncey recoils and drops it back down.)
Harriet: Come on, get in there! Pretend you're fighting the Kaiser and engaged in trench warfare!
Sidney: Oh god. This is not what I expec-OH!
(Another item goes whizzing past Chauncey's head, flying into the wall and shattering into a hundred pieces. Chauncey picks a few of the fragments up in his right hand and examines them, discovering that they are false teeth.)
Harriet: BLIGHTY!
(Chauncey's face has taken on a light shade of green as he hears several more ghastly noises emanating from the room and then silence. After a few moments, SJW emerges, zipping up the jacket of his track. He pops a couple of sugar-free Werther's Originals into his mouth.)
Chauncey: Do I even want to ask what that was like?
Sidney: Have you ever absent-mindedly taken a sip of milk that has hung out in your refrigerator for a month after its expiration date?
Chauncey: Yes.
Sidney: Just think of that, but in your pants. I don't know how Karlie does it every week.
(Harriet yells out, still within her room.)
Harriet: Let me know what town you're going to next so that I know where to send you a telegram!
Sidney: Let's get out of here. I've got an appointment to keep regarding my research into the background of L Verez.
(Our camera cuts away again, and, when we come back, we see Sidney sitting in the center of what appears to be a reproduction of the bridge set utilized on Star Trek. Warwick is seated in the captain's chair, dressed in a replica of the costume typically worn by William Shatner. Unknown individuals are also on the set wearing Star Trek uniforms and acting as though they are fiddling with various buttons and other devices. We hear a voiceover from Sidney.)
Voiceover: Space. The final frontier. These are the pretend voyages fabricated by the mind of an individual with a mental illness who seeks to inflate her self-worth by pretending that she is some sort of galactic defender when in reality she is an upper-midcard professional wrestler who has recently gotten a couple of fluke victories over an aging legend. Our continuing mission is to attempt to convince the world that aliens, time-travelers, and Bonnie Blue exist when any rational believer in real-world science knows that these are nothing more than plot points in the children's books that were penned by Stan Lee and his ilk. We claim to seek out new life and strange worlds, when the reality of the situation is that we have no lives of our own and we should spend more time caring about the world we currently inhabit, which we are making a worse place by creating vapid, meaningless science fiction entertainment that distracts many a brilliant mind by focusing on the real injustices that plague us.
(An odd mechanical binging noise emerges from the front of the set.)
Sidney: Mr. Sulu, put that image on screen.
(A young man of Asian descent sitting towards the front of the set presses a couple of buttons, and the following image appears.)
Sidney: Can I help you?
Alien: It is I, your interstellar arch-nemesis and oddly Latino alien R Driguez, hailing you from the Starship Trans-4-M! We have received word that your ship contains a strategic supply of dilithium crystals that we need to tesseract to our homeworld of Tatooine for use in fighting off the advances of the dreaded Heffalumps!
Sidney: Before we discuss the dilithium crystals, Ms. Driguez, may I ask you one question?
R Driguez: You may, puny earth man!
Sidney: What does any of this have to do with professional wrestling?
R Driguez: Pardon?
Sidney: I'm a professional wrestler, and I have come here today to this Star Trek convention in order to get better insight into one of my upcoming opponents who appears to be into this science fiction double feature nonsense and goes on and on about it at length during promos instead of running down her opponents or exciting our fans. As I sit here and listen to all of the nonsensical gobbledygook that you've been spewing about Cylons and Wall-E's, I cannot for the life of me piece together what any of this has to do with the subject of climbing into the squared circle with an opponent and attempting to pin their shoulders to the mat.
Don't get me wrong, I have no issue if somebody wants to go write geeky self-insert fan fiction for Dr. Who or Babylon 5 or whatever series you fancy yourself as being from, but, if you're going to do that, go do it on your Livejournal.
R Driguez: I really don't have a good answer for that. I'm going to go stare longingly at the signed 8x10s of JJ Abrams that I bought for $5,000.00 at last year's MegaGeekCon after standing in line for six hours.
Sidney: You go do that. It seems like a much more productive use of your time.
(Our camera cuts once more, and now we see SJW inside a dressing room, removing the Captain Kirk outfit. He is then joined by Chauncey Bucksworth.)
Chauncey: I have to say that I have never seen a professional athlete prepare quite like you have today. It seemed like you were putting yourself into positions in which you were ridiculing Karlie Nash and L Verez, not scouting them. Can you give me more insight into your feelings on the Turmoil match?
Sidney: Certainly, Chauncey. Before we get too far into the particulars of my opponents and how I will defeat them, let me say something about this match more generally. This match was not finalized until the very last moments of this week's Monday Night Clash, which means that there hasn't been nearly as much time for the wrestling media to break it down and hype it up as there would normally be. Because of that, I would like to point out something about this match that I don't know I have seen somebody discuss prior to now.
Let's take a look at the competitors in this match:
Sidney J. Warwick.
Karlie Nash.
L Verez.
What we have here is a three-way match for the most prestigious championship that exists in our sport, and the people who are vying for that championship are a transgender man, a lesbian, and a transgender woman. Did you ever in your life think that you would see such a match headlining a major wrestling pay per view? Sure, something like this might have been trotted out to headline an independent show, but we're talking about a card that will occur live in front of 88,000 screaming fans, in addition to being broadcast live throughout the world on pay per view.
Eighteen months ago, prior to my professional wrestling debut, it was unthinkable that three members of the LGBTQIAPK community would be permitted to face each other in such a high profile matchup.
Things have changed, though. I took the professional wrestling world by storm, kicked down doors, and proved that a trans wrestler can be just as successful as any of the cishet scum that have dominated this sport for far too long. If it wasn't for Sidney J. Warwick becoming the WCF Alpha Champion, the WCF Omega Champion, and ultimately the WCF World Champion; if it wasn't for Sidney J. Warwick winning War XVI and Hellimination 2018; if it wasn't for Sidney J. Warwick dominating Roy Speede and becoming the Action Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion, NOBODY would have stuck their neck out and booked this match. It would have been seen as too risky, too far outside of the mainstream in order to make money.
With all of that in mind, the first thing that I have to say to you L and Karlie, is this: You're welcome.
Without me blazing the trail for you, you would not have been allowed in this match. Sure, one or the other of you could have potentially been put into a title match as a token queer participant, but it wouldn’t be the three of us in the same place at the same time. No way, no how.
Chauncey: That is incredible, Mr. Warwick. I can't say that I would've thought of it me-self!
Warwick: It's quite the leap forward for representation in our industry, Chauncey, but there is still more work to be done. You see, even though I have this World Championship and even though I am prominently featured on the Turmoil card, there is still one small problem we have to deal with.
Chauncey: What's that?
Warwick: Despite being the most revolutionary and groundbreaking World Champion this sport has seen in the last half-century, I am NOT in the main event of this pay per view. The behind-the-scenes braintrust of Action Wrestling has decided that, rather than having their WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION headline this show as would comport with decades of tradition and etiquette in the professional wrestling world, the main event slot is actually going to go to yet another match between Spencer Adams and Wade Moor, a match that we have all seen before and are frankly bored with, all because they're afraid that the conservative bigots of the world will turn on the show if it's perceived as being just the slightest bit "too gay." For all the progress that we have made, I am disgusted that Torture and Gravedigger would give in to such homophobic, transphobic fascists and refuse to give me the main event slot that I have so rightfully earned.
Because of that, I have a suggestion for Karlie Nash and L Verez:
Stay down.
You are newcomers to the championship scene. I have now been the champion since Carnage, and, in those few short weeks, I have already worked behind the scenes and in front of the camera to make the progress that was necessary to get the three of us into this match. However, as I mentioned just a few moments ago, there is much more work to be done. There are many more doors to be knocked on, many more sensitivity trainings and seminars that need to be held before we will have obtained the full acceptance necessary so that we can all main event this promotion or any wrestling promotion that we choose.
I have already started that work. If either one of you defeats me for this World Championship at Turmoil, you will undo all the good that I have done, and you will essentially put us back at square one. We'll have to start over at the very beginning and re-do much of what I have started. Meanwhile, if you simply allow me to move forward with my championship reign, I can continue to break down walls and defy stereotypes for all of us, building on the momentum that I have previously established.
If you beat me, and if you stop that momentum, you will halt our progress. You will snuff out the dreams of that little closeted gay boy in Kansas who thinks that he can be the next Donald Deruty. You will kill off the goals of that small child in Nebraska who simultaneously realizes that they are agender and that they want to be a professional wrestler when you grow up.
In other words, if you beat me, you will be a traitor to your own people.
Chauncey: Those are certainly harsh words for your opponents.
Sidney: Of course, I shouldn't really be worried, Chauncey. Though things would certainly be easier for all involved if Karlee and L would realize the special place that I have in history and step aside to allow me to continue to develop that, I will be able to easily vanquish them even if they do put up a fight.
Chauncey: Are you sure about that? I'm not the biggest wrestling fan in the world, but I've done some research, and Karlie Nash is a tough character. You don't medal in ice hockey by being a slouch.
Sidney: Sure, Karlie has some impressive athletic accomplishments under her belt, but let me ask you this question: What has she accomplished in Action Wrestling since her debut in the company? The answer is virtually nothing. She has had championship match after championship match but has never walked away with any gold, and, more recently, she's suffered about a solid month's worth of consecutive losses. Granted, she will blame those losses on poor officiating, and it wouldn't surprise me if the heteronormative referees of AW were biased against this stalwart lesbian superstar, but let's be real for a moment. Biased referees or not, you do not become the number one contender to a World Championship by losing. A World Title isn't something that you "fail up" in to earning. Karlie isn't in this match legitimately. There's only one reason that she's here.
Chauncey: An' why's that?
Sidney: It's because the Action Wrestling booking committee thinks that a Sidney J. Warwick versus L Verez feud has more legs to it than simply a one-off pay per view match. Think about it for a second. If L and I face each other in singles competition and one of us wins cleanly and one of us loses cleanly, that's pretty much the end of things. It's pretty difficult to come back with a rematch after that. However, if they construct a triple threat match with a clearly inferior competitor in the third spot, a weak link if you will, the odds are good that L or I will win and we'll win by pinning Karlie.
After that, the one of us who loses the match but does not get pinned has a legitimate gripe and grounds for a rematch at the next pay per view. That's why you're in this match, Karlie Nash. It has nothing to do with your own merits and has everything to do with being a pawn in the greater series of matches that our new general manager Camila Gonzalez wants to see play out between me and my other opponent.
I look forward to you dutifully serving in that role, Karlie.
Chauncey: Well that makes sense, then. It sounds like yer still viewin' L Verez as a legitimate opponent, though. Any thoughts on her?
Sidney: Honestly, though I consider her to be much more of a threat than Karlie Nash, I still don't know that I see L Verez as being capable of knocking me off for this championship. Much like Nash, Verez is coming into this match on a cold streak, not a hot one, as she just got defeated by Spencer Adams in the Wrestler of the Year tournament and was yet for some reason rewarded with a title shot for getting punked out by a more talented competitor.
Of course, some brave keyboard warriors out there will want to interrupt me and say, "Well wait a second, Sidney! You were also defeated by Wade Moor in the Wrestler of the Year tournament, so are you really any better than L Verez?"
The answer is yes. Undeniably yes.
If you were paying attention to what happened in that match, Wade Moor didn't beat me. Wade Moor plus the entirety of the Hashtag Beach Crew beat me, four-on-one. Defeating all of them simultaneously would be an impossible task. Yet our friend L was defeated by Spencer Adams and Spencer Adams alone. I don't care what kind of heart or fighting spirit she may have shown in that match or how many finishing maneuvers she kicked out of. A one-on-one loss is still a one-on-one loss, and it still shouldn't qualify you for a World Title shot. Period.
Has L Verez done anything comparable to that? No.
Some people would say that her two consecutive victories over Corey Black have served as her major breakout in the world of wrestling, but to that I say pish tosh. Corey Black is a lot like the WCF, the crumbling wrestling promotion to which he still hopelessly clings. Both of them had their glory days, but those glory days were several presidential administrations ago, and it's high time that each of them be put out of their misery. L Verez may well have been the person to do that, but taking an old dog out back and shooting it is as much of an accomplishment as beating up the frail nonagenarian that I made sweet delicate love to just a couple of hours ago. It's nothing, L, and your so-called rise to the top has also been nothing.
So with that, I say good night to you, Chauncey Bucksworth, and I say good night to the viewers of BBC Three. I'll see you again come Turmoil, where, at the end of the show, I will still be holding my championship belt aloft over Jolly Old England.
(And with that, we fade to black one last time.)