Post by Dandy DiVito on Nov 11, 2018 0:18:59 GMT -5
-----Part 1: Goddamn Redcoats-----
The scene opens with DD parked in his car on a street along the shore of the English Channel outside of Brighton in the UK. We see the Brighton Palace Pier just off in the distance as DD maneuvers his car into a parking garage just off the street. As he parks the automobile, we see a haul of boxes in his backseat. DD gets out of the car and walks around to the truck. Opening the trunk, DD reaches into the car and pulls out a collapsible hand truck and puts it together. When it’s sturdy, DD opens the back passenger door and begins to load box after box on to the hand truck. When he has loaded up all four boxes from his back seat on to the hand truck, DD slowly rolls everything toward the parking garage exit and marches the hefty load from the garage down to the pier. As he walks down the sidewalk, locals keep shooting him weird looks. DD makes direct eye contact with one of the pedestrians.
DD: What?! What the fuck are you starin’ at?!
The man breaks eye contact, stares directly at the ground in front of his feet and walks on.
DD: Eat shit, dude.
As DD approaches the Pier, he looks up at the big entry gate that welcomes all visitors. DD slides through the gate relatively unnoticed and continues rolling his hand truck down the pier. As he approaches the theme park rides at the end of the pier, a security guard takes notice of him, and approaches.
Security: Oi! Sir! You can’t go luggin’ them bloody boxes in here. No, no, no. Take ‘em somewhere else.
DD looks at him with disdain.
DD: Nah, man. It’s a delivery.
The guard looks confused.
Security: Nobody told me about no bloody delivery today. What’s in the boxes?
DD: I got tea. Lots and lots of tea.
Security: Aw, shit. You should’ve said so! I’m looking forward to a spot of tea later myself. Go ahead, sir. The restaurant is that way.
The guard directs DD off toward the restaurant, and DD heads off that way down the pier with a smile growing across his face.
DD: Walkin’ is so much easier in this goddamn country. I’m always on tha wrong damn side a’ the road when I’m drivin’. Walkin’? Ain’t nobody givin’ a shit. I gotta quit drivin’. It ain’t my fault they do this shit wrong in this godforsaken shithole country.
DD rolls the hand truck over to the railing of the pier and glances over into the rolling waters.
DD: Tha’s good. That’ll work.
DD grabs the top box and rips the cardboard flaps on top of it wide open. Tea bags fill the box to its very top. DD reaches into the box and grabs a handful of the bag. He suddenly tosses the first fist full of tea bags into the water below. He grabs handful after handful of bags and throws them into the water as fast as he can pick them up. The same security guard from before notices Dandy throwing tea into the channel and rushes over to investigate.
Security: Oi! What the hell are you doin’?!
DD: I’m doin’ whatever I wan’, man. Every damn time Americans got problems with you Brit fucks, we dump tea in the harbor. I’m tellin’ you mothafuckers tha’ I got a problem havin’ ta be stuck in this goddamn country! I jus’ wanna go fuggin’ home!
Security: That ain’t a harbor! It’s the English Fucking Channel, ya cunt.
DD: It’s all water to me!
As the men argue, DD contines throwing fist fulls of tea bags into the water below. The guard angrily approaches the stack of boxes as DD empties the last remaining bags from the top box and tosses it off to the side. The guard grabs for the next box and the men begin to struggle over the tea boxes.
Security: Quit it! Quit throwin’ your goddamn tea in our goddamn English Channel!
DD wrestles the box away from the guard and tosses the entire box over the railing into the water below.
DD: Look wha’ you made me do, douchebag! I wasted a whole box of that shit in one throw! You’re really fuggin’ this up for me!
Security: I’m going to have to call the constable if you don’t stop, man.
DD: No fuckin’ balls! You! Won’t!
DD rips open the third box and grabs a fist full of bags. He stares down the guard as he holds the fist of tea bags over the edge.
Security: I will! I will have the police here in a heartbeat. The Bobbies will be all over your ass!
DD: I’ll be gone way before they can crawl up my ass!
DD tosses the handful of bags over the railing.
DD: Call them bitches. Go. Do it. Call ‘em.
The security guard storms off, and DD quickly picks up the box of tea and empties it over the edge. He rips the top open on the fourth and final box, pulls the waist of his joggers down a bit, and pisses into the last box. Leaving it on the pier, DD laughs out loud as he tosses the hand truck over the railing as well and it splashes down in the Channel.
He swiftly moves toward the entrance to make an escape, and while he’s leaving he hears the guard screaming into a phone as the guard calls police to the scene. DD laughs and remarks to himself.
DD: What the fuck is that li’l bitch gonna tell them cops? Uh, hello?! Send everyone you have! I have a very aggressive litterer down at the pier! I’m the biggest fuckin’ criminal in this shitass country since Jack Tha’ Motherfuggin’ Ripper.
As DD is waltzing back into the parking garage, he hears the distinct wailing of the English police vehicle as it rolls up on the area of the pier.
DD: Fuckin’ adorable. These fuggin’ people don’ know wha’ areal crime even look like.
-----Part 2: A Shit So Big...-----
The scene opens backstage at Clash coming from Oxford. DD is taping his knees and stretching out a bit as Jenna Bauer, AW’s interviewer extraordinare approaches him.
Jenna: Uh, Dandy? Is this a good time to run through the online extra interview we’re going to record?
DD looks up and rolls his eyes.
DD: We gotta do dis? I tol’ you already I’m gonna come talk to you after my match, ‘cause I’ma have some news then. I ain’t got shit to say ta ya righ’ now.
Jenna: Can we just touch base about your tag match?
DD: I’ma talk to ya about it after it happens.
Jenna: Dandy...
DD: Jenna...
Jenna: Daaaandy…?
DD: Goddamn. I didn’t know you had that whiny li’l girl shit in ya.
Jenna: Can we do this interview?
DD: Fuck. Fine! We gon’ do this right here though. I ain’t goin’ nowhere.
Jenna: Uh, ok. I’ll go get my mic and the camera crew.
DD: Fine. Go get your shit. I’m gonna be righ’ here.
Jenna: I’ll be right back. Thanks, Dandy. I don’t want Torture getting on my case for not doing my job. Thanks for working with me.
DD: Just go get the fucking camera crew before I change my mind, Jenna.
Jenna: Okay! Okay!
Jenna runs off as DD starts taping his wrists. She returns as he finishes his right arm and gets working on his left.
Jenna: You ready?
DD: Just fuggin’ start it up and I’ll do ma shit.
Jenna stands to the front side of DD, composes herself like a reporter does before a big shot goes live, and counts off for the producers.
Jenna: 3… 2…
Jenna drops off the one so the footage doesn’t pick up the last count. The camera starts recording.
Jenna: Hello, viewers! I’m Action Wrestling’s Jenna Bauer, and I’m here with AW’s US Champion, Dandy DiVito.
DD butts in without lifting his distracted gaze from his wrist tape.
DD: What, you don’ say fuckin’ one?
Jenna looks at him confused.
DD: 3… 2… Fuckin’ 1. Fuckin’ 1 follows 2 in that count down.
Jenna looks frustrated.
Jenna: Yes, Dandy. And you don’t say the last number when you’re shooting! Now we have to start over. Can you help me out and get your head in the game?
DD: Oh, my head’s in the game, alright. I’m thinkin’ about all the ways I’m gonna whoop that ass come match time tonight.
Jenna: Look, Dandy, I’m going to count us off again and try this one more time. Save your shit talking for when the camera is actually running, ok?
DD finishes up the tape on his wrist and looks up to finally make eye contact with Jenna.
DD: Sure thing, doll.
Jenna sighs and gathers herself again.
Jenna: 3… 2…
The camera starts recording.
Jenna: Hello, viewers! I’m Action Wrestling’s Jenna Bauer, and I’m here with AW’s US Champion, Dandy DiVito.
DD lazily waves to the camera as he remains seated in front of his locker.
Jenna: Dandy, last week you interfered in the #1 Contender’s match for your US title and told me afterward that you wanted to face Corey Bull again to quote get your win back end quote. This week you’re teaming up with Bishop to take on the team of your #1 Contender Corey Bull AND the man you robbed of that opportunity last week: Ultimate Destroyer. Any thoughts?
DD: Any thoughts? Yeah. I got thoughts.
Jenna: Would you care to, you know, share them with the viewers at home?
DD: I mean, I guess. So like the first thought I got is, like, how come some motherfuggers dig it when other motherfuggers take they whole fist and put it inside ‘em? That’s some intimidatin’ shit, ya know? Like I ain’t even want a prostate check up, and some motherfuggers out there gettin’ turned into Kermit the fuckin’ Frog for fun, you know?
Jenna: Uh, how about thoughts related to your match?
DD: That was about my match?
Jenna: Uh, how?
DD: Abigail Vorhees is a regular Jim Fuckin’ Hensen.
Jenna pauses for a beat.
Jenna: I don’t know… I don’t know how to follow that with a question.
DD: You ain’t got to.
Jenna: It wouldn’t be much of an interview if I didn’t ask you questions, Dandy.
DD: Ok, fine. Ask me about how I know Ol’ Abbie’s goin’ elbow deep in Bull’s peanut butter jar.
Jenna: God, I don’t think I want to.
DD: Then fuckin’ don’t. It ain’t my job ta interview me. I don’ give a shit.
Jenna sighs deeply.
Jenna: Beyond Corey Bull, you’ll also face Ultimate Destroyer. Do you have any specific -- preferably non-sexual -- thoughts about him?
DD: Look, Jenna… You know how people think god can do anything?
Jenna: Uh, yeah. Sure.
DD: And then other motherfuggers ask questions.
Jenna: Like what?
DD: Like they ask shit like If god can do anything, can god make a rock so large that even god couldn’t lift it?
Jenna: Ok, yes. I follow.
DD: They call that a paradox, yeah?
Jenna: I think so.
DD: Well, I’m the motherfugger asking those kinds of questions. I used ta wonder Could god take a shit so big that even god can’t shit it? Well, I don’t wonder no more now that I seen Ultimate Destroyer. The dude makes me think about when Amazon sends you a huge ass box when you ordered like a fuggin’ pencil. You just open it up and wonder how the fuck somebody thought it was a good idea to put somethin’ so fucking little in such a big package. Yeah, Ultimate Destroyer’s the package and his talent is the fuggin’ pencil. HUGE box that ain’t got shit in it.
Jenna: So Ultimate Destroyer is divine excrement and a poorly packaged parcel from Amazon? Am I hearing you correctly here, Dandy?
DD: More or less.
Jenna: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a pretty odd guy, Dandy?
DD shrugs.
DD: What’s life worth if ya ain’t odd? Unless you’re that guy Odd who used ta fight ‘round here. Anybody know what happened to tha’ guy? Gravedigger file a missing person report or anything?
Jenna: Not to my knowledge.
DD: Ain’t that a bitch, huh? You straight the fuck up disappear an’ nobody even fuckin’ notices… I’d say the motherfugger’s like Abigail’s fist, but Bull sure as shit ain’t lettin’ that in unnoticed.
Jenna: Good god, Dandy. AW’s not even going to be able to make ad revenue on this interview. No advertisers are going to want their ads to run with… that.
DD: The fuckin’ Muppets are advertising gold, Jenna. I don’ know wha’ the fuck you’re talkin’ about.
DD laughs to himself.
DD: If you wan’ me to be fuckin’ serious and all that, here’s my shit:
DD rises from his seat, takes the microphone from Jenna’s hand, and looks dead into the camera.
DD: I got a trump card in my pocket this week. Bull ain’t gonna see it comin’. Destroyer ain’t gonna know what hit ‘im… you know, like usual, ‘cause I’m pretty sure the dude’s fuckin’ retarded or somethin’. I don’t even care if Bishop shows up. I got this. I ain’t goin’ down this week or ever again. Ain’t nothin’ Bull or Abigail or Ultimate Destroyer or nobody can do ‘bout it. I’m tha US champion. Ain’t a belt in this whole fuckin’ organization that means what mine does. I’d rather wipe my ass with any other belt in this company than wear it.
Jenna: If the new GM Camilia Gonzalez names you #1 Contender to SJW’s World Title, will you still sing that tune?
DD: Okay, okay. I’d be dumber than Ultimate Destroyer if I said I wouldn’t love to carry this US strap and the World strap to tha ring, and I’d be proud as shit to be a dual champion. But let’s be real, it ain’t gonna be ya boy, Dandy DiVito, gettin’ named #1 Contender to SJW; I already got a Turmoil match. My money’s on Link, but who da fuck knows. Ain’t no woman’s decision makin’ ever made no sense to me. All I know is that I am the man, and I ain’t never givin’ up this US title like Bull gives up tha’ backdoor to Ol’ Abbie.
Jenna: Well there you have it, folks. Dandy DiVito… Warts and all.
The scene fades as DD can be heard yelling at Jenna.
DD: Goddamn it! FAKE FUCKIN’ NEWS! Who tha fuck told you I got warts?! That shit ain’t…