Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 11:48:46 GMT -5
Several Weeks Ago
Ever wake up and have one of those feelings that things aren't quite right? Maybe that you're in a fog. Maybe that you're forgetting something important? Well my name is Alex Richards and that's exactly the kind of day I'm having.
I wake up in the middle of a massive bed. Even for me it's a massive bed. With some of those high thread count sheets people seem to care about. Do I care about that? Frankly I couldn't say for certain. Something about this whole thing seems off. There's a hot tub in my room, there's a balcony for a view. There's even a chandelier that I briefly think about trying to swing off of. Now I know that can't be right. No way my body weight would hold that, right? This is clearly a expensive hotel room so breaking that has to be a bad idea, right? But why does it feel like such a good idea? I shake my head trying to clear it, to shake off the daze. I get up. My mouth tastes like I swallowed a ashtray and a bottle of whiskey the night before. Shouldn't be I hung over if that were true? None of this seems to be adding up. I figure I can at least deal with the bad taste in my mouth. I walk into the bathroom and brush my teeth using the toothbrush and toothpaste provided. Free swag? Damn.. this is an expensive hotel. This just makes me feel out of place again. I check myself out in the mirror and that doesn't help... at all. I could be a dead ringer for that actor from the 50s, Tor Johnson. Not that anyone would want to. I quickly brush my teeth and leave my reflection behind. But you know even brushing my teeth didn't feel right.
I decide to leave the hotel room. But suddenly I'm struck by another thought. Where the fuck am I? I don't know this hotel.. I don't know even know what city this hotel is in. It is at this point I realize I need a drink. Feels like the best idea I've had all morning. I look for my luggage but all I find is a black doctor bag. Apparently I traveled light.
I take the elevator to the lobby and have another great idea while I'm checking out. I ask the guy behind the counter what hotel this is. He looks at me like I just dropped a deuce in the middle of the overly expensive carpet. Montage Beverly Hills he sneers. That doesn't really help me. With my pale skin why am I in California anyways? He presents me with a bill.. for 5 thousand dollars. He says something about a motorcycle and attempting to jump the fountain with it. I mean it sounds like he's probably telling the truth considering I did notice a demolished fountain with an out of order sign on it. I wish I still had that motorcycle.. jumping the chandelier upstairs suddenly sounds like fun.
The guy demands payment. I dig into my black doctor's bag and find something better. A boot filled to the brim with Zim-Quila. Now this.. this mixture of Zima and cheap tequila I call ghetto bliss.. this I know. I down the boot full of alcohol. Now the desk clerk is aghast I would drink from footwear. Does he not know that leather boot brings out the perfection of fine alcohol? Normally I would enlighten him on the benefits of Zim-Quila but today I have bigger problems. Maybe I'll come back later or something. I hand him my credit card. Which happens to be a black Guardians Select American Express. The man frowns and says there is no such credit card. I was going to argue but he's right. I don't have a clue where I got this. I look in my wallet and unbelievably I actually have enough cash. With ten bucks to spare no less.
I wander out with no clue what I'm going to do next. Or how I am going to get there for that matter. Fortunately since this was a stupid expensive hotel they bring my ride right to the floor. But seriously what the fuck? Did I really get here in a red Toyota Celica from the 90s. Ever wonder why some cars over 30 years old are considered classics?
Well this one isn't.. and for good reason. I seriously drove here in that tiny car I can barely fit in. This isn't adding up at all. Not one bit. But at least it drives, I hope, so I get inside and head out. But to where? I still don't have a clue. I start to drive aimlessly. I flip on the radio looking for inspiration. I am immediately blasted by that terrible Post Malone song. That does not inspire me. I change the station. Christian radio. Nope. Change it again. This time I hear a DJ talking about Paul Rudd being in town doing promotion for his new movie, Biodome 2.
Paul Rudd? This name inspires me. I don't know why but it does. Okay fine... I'll admit it. I really liked him in Overnight Delivery. Seriously that movie was underrated as fuck. So I turn the car in the direction of his press conference. I mean I look like a b movie actor anyways maybe I really WAS here to get a part in his movie. It's not like I could make BioDome 2 worse or something, right?
So I got to his press conference. And the minute I lock eyes with Paul I remember everything. No wonder everything seemed so off. I wouldn't have slept in a fancy hotel like that. I would have slept in the Strange Rover, the most bad ass SUV in the world at the last place I finished the night partying. Actually I wouldn't have. Some son of a bitch blew that up. But I would have slept in a bad ass van at least. Not some pansy ass tiny compact car! And why was I brushing my teeth with water? Everyone knows you brush your teeth with Zim-Quila. Kill germs and get a buzz at the same time. Can't lose! Why was I thinking I looked like Tor Johnson anyways? I'm a beautiful Uncle Fester looking motherfucker! I'm the King of Mass Confusion and I'm back! I remember Evil Paul Rudd. I remember his war on the meta humans. His war on the Guardians. I remember him trying to kill me, my brother Shaun Zach, my girlfriend Rebecca Thatch. I don't know what just happened but by the look of pure terror in his eyes I know one thing. He was certainly the cause of it.
I charge the makeshift stage. I wrap my hands around his throat intend on choking the truth out of him. I think I would have succeeded too if two cops didn't suddenly join me on stage, weapons drawn. I shake my head.
Alex Richards: You guys seriously have a problem with me beating up Evil Paul Rudd?
They scream something about putting my hands up. I'm disappointed. I stop choking Paul Rudd and look at them.
Alex Richards: California has to do something about corrupt cops on the bad guy's payroll.
They look confused and order me to raise my hands again. I'm starting to get confused again.
Alex Richards: You guys are the worst corrupt cops ever. There has to be a thousand people here. Everyone knows what Paul did in the past.
One of the cops respond.
Cop 1: Made Ant Man?
Alex Richards:No, besides that! Tell them what you did Paul?
Paul sputters out.
Paul Rudd: I just make movies. I don't know what you're talking about.
I snort.
Alex Richards:You seriously think you can lie about that in front of these thousands of people who have all seen what you did?
I look at the crowd of people. Almost all of them look at horrified, as if I'm some crazy person attacking a celebrity. This can't be good. I turn to the cops again.
Alex Richards: You know who the Guardians are, right?
The same cop answers.
Cop 1: It was this really horrible Russian superhero movie.
Alex Richards: No.. the group of meta human heroes. The group I'm a member of.
The second cop finally says something.
Cop 2: What's a meta human?
How did Evil Paul Rudd's influence grow this much? It's scary that he has literally thousands of people doing his bidding now. But no matter. I still have a trump card to get me out of this.
Alex Richards: So say you don't know who the Guardians are, huh? You don't know about meta humans do ya? Are ya serious? You really don't remember that certain humans were altered, were given special, mysterious powers. As a result of the wave? Ring a bell?
Nothing but blank faces.
Alex Richards: I guess that means you don't know about my meta human power. You see.. I have the power to make myself invisible.
It also turns me into a female but they didn't need to know that. Now that I'm invisible though I believe it's time for me to make my escape. I casually stroll across the stage. Maybe I'm paranoid or something but it seems like every pair of eyes in the crowd are following me. Including the cops. They both turn and easily tackle me.
Alex Richards: Wait... but I'm invisible.
The cops actually laugh. I guess it kind of serves me right in a way for using the phrase trump card in my internal homologue. That guy's the worst.
Cop 2: No.. you're not jerk off. You have the right to remain
This is not good. The cops handcuff me, read me my rights as I try to figure out what happened to my powers, The Guardians, my family, my girlfriend. As I look around I see nothing but strangers. The police load me into their cruiser. The first cop looks at me.. then shakes his head.
Cop 3: He used to be one of my favorite wrestlers. He was a world champion you know. What happened to him?
The other cop responds but I'm not listening. They still know who I am. I still have an identity. That means I still have a chance to straighten all of this out. I still have a chance to get it all back.
Present Day
Laura Davoe did you research me? I'm going to come clean and admit it up front I absolutely researched you. But I hope you didn't research me. Because if you did.. that can only discourage you. That can only work against you. Because you see Laura DaVoe.. I am the one hundred percent worst opponent that could be standing across the ring from you in your debut match.
Because I know where you have been. Ever have people say you're crazy? Me too! Ever been in asylums, institutions, psyche wards? Me too! Actually quite recently in fact but I digress. Ever think the world is against you? Ever struggle to try and find acceptance? To try and find people you belong with? I know your struggle Laura because I fought the same battles. Like you I decided to enter the world of professional wrestling. I decided that if I became a champion, if I became a legend perhaps things would fall into place. But unfortunately for you Laura that is where our paths differ.
See I know what you're about. Because I've been there. But you can't say the same about me. Because unlike you Laura, I won that world title. I got the respect of my peers. I got the girl. I earned membership and the respect of the greatest stable in the world, The Guardians. You may think you know how to be successful in wrestling but I actually have been. That's a huge difference.
You came into Action Wrestling and instantly think you are going to be world champion. How naive of ya. I mean I ain't judging ya, not really at least. I was there once too. I experienced success in some indy feds, I thought I deserved national attention. I thought the world owed me something and I damn sure was going to take it. I was going to take my world title. And I was going to do it in the world famous WCF. You remember a world champion there named Alex Richards? I don't think so. In fact at first I routinely got my ass handed to me. But I learned, I improved. Do you know why? Because I had that desire to succeed. I had that drive. I became a member of Pantheon. I became in the opinion of some the greatest Internet champion in WCF history. Those people may have been drunk but it's still an opinion damn. Then I went to another major federation, the UCI, and I captured that real world title I wanted so badly. In fact I was voted their world champion of the year.
SKILL... DRIVE.. EXPERIENCE..
Most people don't have those three things. I do. But it took time. I always had the drive, the determination to succeed. If I didn't the first time I lost, say five matches in a row, I would have found something else to do. I would have looked for another path. You could do that Laura. You could lose this match, let's be honest you will lose this match, then leave wrestling return to Colorado and take up skiing. I could name three dozen people right off the hop of my head who came into wrestling dreaming of stardom and then disappearing when things didn't work out for them. I don't think that will be you. At least I hope not. Remember after you lose to me on the first edition of Monday Night Clash there is still a battle royal for the television title. You can still be a champion. In a way I'll be doing you a favor. You aren't ready to be world champion. Not yet anyways. Because even if you do have the drive, you lack experience and you lack skill. The only way to learn those things is to lose. Well don't worry there Coy Wolf The King of Mass Confusion is here to send you down that path.
I mean this is going to piss you off I'm sure Laura. You're going to think I'm cocky, even arrogant. But it ain't arrogance it's the simple truth. You don't have to listen to me. But even if you don't you are going to see my words ringing true when we enter that ring I promise you that.
Don't believe me all you have to do is watch the tape. Look at my moves compared to yours Laura. You know why I use the Sanity Slip? Because it works. If I take you down off the top with that lung blower you are not getting up. That's what my moves are all about. Maximum impact, maximum damage, maximum chance of ending the match. Then there's you Laura. All flash, no substance. Mexican surfboard? Crossface chickenwing into a neckbreaker. A fucking muta lock? Who have you been using these moves on exactly? Because I can tell you this. They don't work in a real fight with an opponent who's trying to stop you from applying them. Especially a much larger opponent. I mean it wouldn't do so bad but those are all your finishing moves. Literally all of them. And if you can't put me down with any of them what else do you have exactly?
......
I'm Waiting......
I thought that would be the answer. You don't have the experience to think of anything else do ya? So you go with your Silver Springs Strangulation. But is there any chance you can hold that bridge long enough for me to give up? Now if it were me.. I'd lock in the leglock.. not bother bridging.. just reach back and grab your head and pull back as hard and as far as I could. I just thought of that right now. Literally right now. That's why I'm one of the favorites. That's why I can clearly state that you are not ready to defeat me.
A few weeks ago I lost everything I cared about in this world. I lost the Guardians, the meta human powers that made me special, my brother, my girlfriend. And to top it all off most people don't even believe any of it was real! But trust me when I say this. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I'm going to get it all back. You know why I'm that confident? Because that's what I do. Tell me to get a job working at McDonalds and you can expect a train wreck. Tell me to do my taxes and I'll probably try to write off Belgium. By the way.. that doesn't work even if you claim you did your taxes while vacation so clearly it's a tax shelter. But give me a fucked up situation and I can damn sure solve it. So now I got to win a 16 man tournament for the world title. Because my skill as a wrestler, it's the only thing people still believe in about me. If I lose that. Well then I got nothing. No credibility at all. That's a lot of pressure isn't it?
It's also one hell of a fucked up situation. All of these 16 people in this tournament.. they don't have nearly as much to lose as I do. Fortunately for me they don't bring nearly as much to the table as I do either. Laura DaVoe.. she's fighting for the world title because she wants respect. But she made a fatal mistake. You can't earn respect without giving it. You don't respect how hard is to be world champion. Perhaps you will after I finish stomping you this Monday.
Laura when you hear what I have to say it's gonna piss you off. You know I can't blame you. I guess I'm just in a bad mood. That tends to happen when you suddenly lose everything. You're going to be mad but you aren't going to think of this Laura. A man who lost everything has a lot more motivation to win this now don't they. They have a lot more motivation to become the first world champion don't they? Because everyone needs to have something. Maybe a title isn't much compared to what I had but it's the best I can do for now. Sometimes it's the little things that keep you sane. You need little victories now and then. Laura.. you won't believe how hard I'm going to fight for this little victory. This is only the first step for you, I'm sure, but it will be your last in your quest to be the first Action Wrestling World Champion. You're about to learn that when you face the King, which by the way is a title I earned by winning a tournament you know much like this one. But back to my original point when you face the King of Mass Confusion... confusion always reigns in the end!
Fade to Black