Post by Deleted on May 21, 2023 1:13:45 GMT -5
Dear Me,
My therapist said it was a good idea to write to myself, so we’ll see how this goes, and hope I don’t regret it. After years in small time feds, I’ve finally made it to Action Wrestling. I’ve dealt with so much shit these last few months, so maybe this is a calling that my life is going to turn around for the better. I don’t like not being around my kid, but at the same time, if this helps give them a better life, then it’ll be more than worth it for that alone. Still, though. It’s bad enough they’re dealing with a broken home and no way of telling where they’ll be on what day. I just hope they don’t blame themselves for any of it.
I’m not really fully ready to air all that out yet, even if this is just a silly diary entry. The wound’s just too fresh. I’d honestly rather talk about how I’ve been alienated from a lot of my family members because of me being trans, or not being a perfect “Christian boy.” I remember always wishing my dad would be around more. I wished he didn’t stay in Puerto Rico. Once I had that chance, I saw his true colors, and all of that wishing was wasted on a transphobic piece of shit. It hurts to find that out. My mom is still iffy about it, but hell, at least she was actually there for me. I was thinking I’d have a new, more accepting family, but– ugh. I don’t know anymore.
What I do know for sure is that, no matter what happens, who I’m with, or who stands behind me, I’m going to do everything I can to live my dream. I have my first match this Monday, and if I’m lucky, my first pay per view match will be the biggest of the year… Evolution! I’ll make my mark. My name will be known to the world, and no matter what people say, no matter what venom spews out of their mouths, I’ll have the success story they wished they could have.
~~~~~~~
Joule can be seen outside at a park, sitting on a bench, holding onto a picture of her and a young child. She closes her eyes and takes in the fresh air of a bright, sunny day, before opening them and showing a bit of a smirk.
It figures that, as soon as I sign my name on the dotted line, the first match that’s given to me is against someone much bigger than me. I guess that’s what I get for not listening to my business manager about joining the cruiserweight division. That’s not what I wanted though. I don’t settle for less. If I’m going to be a part of the biggest company, then I’m going to face their biggest competitors. I want to be the best. I want to *beat* the best. So I’m here…
She looks back at the picture in her hand for a brief moment.
Holo Make is the man I face for my debut match. A dangerous man shrouded in mystery. I know you look up to your gods deeply. I understand and respect that. I have spirit guides of my own. However, there’s a difference between you and I. While I look up to my gods, they’re not my everything. They don’t decide my fate. They aren’t what gives me my power, my will, my desire. I have my guides, yes, but I as a human being have power. I have will. I have desires. I don’t need a higher power to give me that. I don’t rely on anyone else to succeed. If I want to win, I have to win! I can hope for all the guidance I could think of, but at the end of the day, it’s up to me to be the best professional wrestler I can be.
I wonder what goes on your mind when you rely on your gods to win, and still end up staring at the lights. Ya know… like you did when you faced Downfall for the Hardcore Championship. His name became your fate. Was that because your gods let you down? Did they not feel you were worthy enough to win? Maybe they felt like you were destined for something different. Any reason that has to do with them and not you. No… I disagree. Here’s the reality, Make. Your over reliance on your faith is holding you back. Being a believer in a higher power is fine, but when you overly rely on them and truly believe they will bring you to victory, that’s when you’ve truly failed.
This is all without even bringing up Max Daemon. I’m not worried about him though. I’m stepping in the ring with Holo Make, a man that still needs to find strength within himself, and who needs to take less time hoping and praying that your gods can do your work for you. Do they give you strength? Maybe. It won’t matter this Monday at Clash, because I know I’m the better, more skilled wrestler, and I know damn well I have enough faith in myself to get the job done when it matters most for who it matters most to.
Joule’s hand finally covers the photo and puts it away, before she takes a deep breath.
What we are and do in this world is all we’ll ever be certain of, Make. The flesh and blood that makes us whole is the truest, realest thing we have. Remember this, because when your flesh and your blood is twisted, bruised, and spilled come Monday night, you won’t have anyone else to blame when you fail once again. The only person you’ll have to blame for that… is the person you see in the mirror everyday.
She stands and walks off, leaving the park, but stopping to take out the picture once more before fully walking away.