Shiny Replicas Are no Substitute for the Real Thing
Dec 3, 2021 16:12:56 GMT -5
CJ Phoenix likes this
Post by Teo Blaze on Dec 3, 2021 16:12:56 GMT -5
Yes! It’s the long awaited return of your beloved narrator with another day of shenanigans by your cruiserweight tag champions the two gents! Today, your erstwhile heroes are visiting a Hasbro factory, which happens to create official replica belts for Action Wrestling.
They are being guided around the factory floor by the manager, Al, who is enthusiastically showing them the conveyor belt of replica Cruiserweight tag titles.
“As you can see,” Al continues, “We pump out hundreds of these every hour. They are among the most popular products we sell for Action Wrestling.”
“Among?” Asks Teo, raising an eyebrow.
“Well, yeah, er, obviously the World title is always number 1, when it comes to belts at least then you got these.”
Jenson looks impressed, the fact the Cruiserweight tag team belts are high on the merchandise list pleases him. Teo has the look of someone who wants the number 1 spot.
“Can we look at a couple, just so we can compare them to these?'' Jenson says, distracting his partner by opening his coat to reveal his title belt. The Gents had taken to wearing them at public functions.
“Sure- Wait, are these the real thing? Our designers got to see them but we didn’t get the chance down here!”
“Well, let’s compare them, Al!”
“Help yourself gents.” Al says. Jenson and Teo pick a belt each.
“Hmm, this is a good approximation of the right title.” Says Jenson “Left looks good.” Adds Teo “They even have that little scuff mark where you got clocked on the head that time.”
“Which time? There’s been plenty.”
“Good point my friend! These are great, Al. You guys did such good work on them. They’re almost indistinguishable.”
“Yes! I tell you that’s what, what’s his name again? Rodney?”
“Roddy?” Offers Jenson.
“Yeah that fella, Robby Zalez! He was in the factory store a couple of weeks ago. Said that we should stick his and Kitty’s names and pictures on the tag titles so he could start collecting royalties. Grabbed a couple offa the assembly line and stormed out. I tell you, if that stick up his ass was any bigger, we could start selling Robby popsicles.”
“That was the impression I got too actually, you are a perceptive man, Al.”
“I’m sorry for Roddy’s behavior Al. He’s what we call in the business a critical failure. He went to Clash with those, they looked almost real on TV. Thing is, the reason he absolutely threw a tantrum when your store presumably told him he needed to pay, is that these replica titles are the closest they are going to get to the real thing. Did he have a woman with him too?”
“Yeah! All the boys back in the office watched the CCTV - she was there, just stood there."
“Yeah, that’s his tag team partner. The silent killer type she is. These guys are unhinged, surprised they didn’t just try to tear the place down.”
“Sorry to hear that Al, tell you what, give Gentcorp offices a call. We’ll pay for the ones they took, it’s only fair.”
“Wait, Gentcorp is real? I said that jokingly after too much thanksgiving wine.”
“Al, do you know what they did with those titles? Used them as props, said they’re the best tag team in the world, that we’ve seen no one like them and soon they’ll exchange replicas for the real thing!
Thing is, these Knaves don’t know what they’re setting themselves up for. They said no team is like them. True. They said we’ve never faced someone like them. Also true.”
“True in the sense that they may in fact be the lamest excuses for challengers we’ve ever had!”
“Whoa, are you okay bud?”
“I’m sorry Al, but I just can’t quite take it anymore! Listening to my partner describe these petulant excuses for talent, these flash in the pan also-rans that couldn’t win third place in an elementary school talent show, It just! Isn’t! Right!”
Teo grabs his partner by the tie and buries a head in his shoulder, exaggerating his emotion as Jenson gently pats him on the back of the head.
“There there, Teo, they won’t be around long.”
Teo’s head pops up to look at Al, and places a hand on his shoulder.
“Let me ask you a question Al. You’ve been working a long time, right?”
“Uhm, yeah?”
“And have you ever had an employee that comes in with all the piss and vinegar, works like they’ve never worked before, and earns themselves employee of the month? And don’t get me wrong, they worked hard to earn that reward. Clocked in early, punched out late. Put in the work, the hours!”
“Deep scrubbed the machines with their personal toothbrush!”
“And then finally, they get that little bit of accomplishment, they get their name on that wall and the commemorative mug, and what happens? Suddenly they can’t shut up about it! They want the world to know that they were employee of the month, that they are the best thing in the world. They start talking promotions, company cars. They start telling everybody how soon they’re going to be running this joint!
They’ve been ruined, Al. Done in by their own egos!”
“A-yup. Do Robby and Kitty deserve praise? Probably. Their contributions haven’t been worthless or anything.”
“But the way those two talk, you’d think they’d found a cure for male pattern baldness inside the ark of the covenant! Each and every word out of their mouth is about how great and unappreciated they are. Any modicum of actual talent is crushed, drowned, and smothered beneath a mountain of circlejerking bullshi-”
“What my partner means to say, Al, is just like that employee of the month, those two Rulers have had their first taste of success and let it go to their heads. They pinned Keeton and Walker-”
“By the way, we pinned Terra way before they started bragging about it.”
“Bragged about beating the champ and the #1 contender-”
“Hey, we did that too! In a title match, no less!”
“Teo, if you keep pointing out that we’ve done everything that they’re bragging about, we’ll be here all day.”
“Can’t help myself. It’s just such a perfect metaphor, isn’t it? As much as they try to drag our names through the mud, they don’t even realize that any claim to fame they have is at best our sloppy seconds!”
“Yeah, Roddy’s ego could probably have been a float in the Thanksgiving parade. But what about miss silent but deadly?”
“We don’t have time to dissect that train wreck. I’d say that Roddy’s using her because he’s a self-serving opportunist and he believes his quickest way to a title shot is by riding on her actual talent, but why state the obvious?”
“You’ve got a good point, actually.”
“Look, Al, let’s get down to Brass Tacks here. The only reason that a Rulers tag title win would mean anything at all is because they beat the Gents to do it, and they know that. We are the history and legacy of these belts. To describe them is to describe the Gents. People have made excuse after excuse to try and explain away our success, our victories, the fact that nobody has been able to do what we’ve done.”
“They make excuses while we make history.”
“We’re not perfect, Al. We make mistakes, we get hurt.”
“I spent 3 weeks in the hospital after jumping off a cell!”
“Damn straight. But unlike Zalez and Kitsumi, we’ve never claimed to be perfect. We are human, and we have weaknesses. But you know what? We’ve also got each other.”
“And that’s why we have these belts. That’s why the Tag Champion bumped off the World Champion in Turmoil.”
“Because the Gents may just be a once in a lifetime team.”
“The Cookie Cutters of our Kind? Dime a Dozen egotistical brats who claim to be the future.”
“In three months time they’ll be gone. The wrong answer to a trivia question at some bar’s trivia night.”
“And we will still be here, with the belts the Gents Built.”
“And they’ll be sitting at that bar telling everyone how they used to be employees of the month.”
Teo smiles and gestures to Jenson, and the pair leave Al to return to his work as they go to begin theirs.
They are being guided around the factory floor by the manager, Al, who is enthusiastically showing them the conveyor belt of replica Cruiserweight tag titles.
“As you can see,” Al continues, “We pump out hundreds of these every hour. They are among the most popular products we sell for Action Wrestling.”
“Among?” Asks Teo, raising an eyebrow.
“Well, yeah, er, obviously the World title is always number 1, when it comes to belts at least then you got these.”
Jenson looks impressed, the fact the Cruiserweight tag team belts are high on the merchandise list pleases him. Teo has the look of someone who wants the number 1 spot.
“Can we look at a couple, just so we can compare them to these?'' Jenson says, distracting his partner by opening his coat to reveal his title belt. The Gents had taken to wearing them at public functions.
“Sure- Wait, are these the real thing? Our designers got to see them but we didn’t get the chance down here!”
“Well, let’s compare them, Al!”
“Help yourself gents.” Al says. Jenson and Teo pick a belt each.
“Hmm, this is a good approximation of the right title.” Says Jenson “Left looks good.” Adds Teo “They even have that little scuff mark where you got clocked on the head that time.”
“Which time? There’s been plenty.”
“Good point my friend! These are great, Al. You guys did such good work on them. They’re almost indistinguishable.”
“Yes! I tell you that’s what, what’s his name again? Rodney?”
“Roddy?” Offers Jenson.
“Yeah that fella, Robby Zalez! He was in the factory store a couple of weeks ago. Said that we should stick his and Kitty’s names and pictures on the tag titles so he could start collecting royalties. Grabbed a couple offa the assembly line and stormed out. I tell you, if that stick up his ass was any bigger, we could start selling Robby popsicles.”
“That was the impression I got too actually, you are a perceptive man, Al.”
“I’m sorry for Roddy’s behavior Al. He’s what we call in the business a critical failure. He went to Clash with those, they looked almost real on TV. Thing is, the reason he absolutely threw a tantrum when your store presumably told him he needed to pay, is that these replica titles are the closest they are going to get to the real thing. Did he have a woman with him too?”
“Yeah! All the boys back in the office watched the CCTV - she was there, just stood there."
“Yeah, that’s his tag team partner. The silent killer type she is. These guys are unhinged, surprised they didn’t just try to tear the place down.”
“Sorry to hear that Al, tell you what, give Gentcorp offices a call. We’ll pay for the ones they took, it’s only fair.”
“Wait, Gentcorp is real? I said that jokingly after too much thanksgiving wine.”
“Al, do you know what they did with those titles? Used them as props, said they’re the best tag team in the world, that we’ve seen no one like them and soon they’ll exchange replicas for the real thing!
Thing is, these Knaves don’t know what they’re setting themselves up for. They said no team is like them. True. They said we’ve never faced someone like them. Also true.”
“True in the sense that they may in fact be the lamest excuses for challengers we’ve ever had!”
“Whoa, are you okay bud?”
“I’m sorry Al, but I just can’t quite take it anymore! Listening to my partner describe these petulant excuses for talent, these flash in the pan also-rans that couldn’t win third place in an elementary school talent show, It just! Isn’t! Right!”
Teo grabs his partner by the tie and buries a head in his shoulder, exaggerating his emotion as Jenson gently pats him on the back of the head.
“There there, Teo, they won’t be around long.”
Teo’s head pops up to look at Al, and places a hand on his shoulder.
“Let me ask you a question Al. You’ve been working a long time, right?”
“Uhm, yeah?”
“And have you ever had an employee that comes in with all the piss and vinegar, works like they’ve never worked before, and earns themselves employee of the month? And don’t get me wrong, they worked hard to earn that reward. Clocked in early, punched out late. Put in the work, the hours!”
“Deep scrubbed the machines with their personal toothbrush!”
“And then finally, they get that little bit of accomplishment, they get their name on that wall and the commemorative mug, and what happens? Suddenly they can’t shut up about it! They want the world to know that they were employee of the month, that they are the best thing in the world. They start talking promotions, company cars. They start telling everybody how soon they’re going to be running this joint!
They’ve been ruined, Al. Done in by their own egos!”
“A-yup. Do Robby and Kitty deserve praise? Probably. Their contributions haven’t been worthless or anything.”
“But the way those two talk, you’d think they’d found a cure for male pattern baldness inside the ark of the covenant! Each and every word out of their mouth is about how great and unappreciated they are. Any modicum of actual talent is crushed, drowned, and smothered beneath a mountain of circlejerking bullshi-”
“What my partner means to say, Al, is just like that employee of the month, those two Rulers have had their first taste of success and let it go to their heads. They pinned Keeton and Walker-”
“By the way, we pinned Terra way before they started bragging about it.”
“Bragged about beating the champ and the #1 contender-”
“Hey, we did that too! In a title match, no less!”
“Teo, if you keep pointing out that we’ve done everything that they’re bragging about, we’ll be here all day.”
“Can’t help myself. It’s just such a perfect metaphor, isn’t it? As much as they try to drag our names through the mud, they don’t even realize that any claim to fame they have is at best our sloppy seconds!”
“Yeah, Roddy’s ego could probably have been a float in the Thanksgiving parade. But what about miss silent but deadly?”
“We don’t have time to dissect that train wreck. I’d say that Roddy’s using her because he’s a self-serving opportunist and he believes his quickest way to a title shot is by riding on her actual talent, but why state the obvious?”
“You’ve got a good point, actually.”
“Look, Al, let’s get down to Brass Tacks here. The only reason that a Rulers tag title win would mean anything at all is because they beat the Gents to do it, and they know that. We are the history and legacy of these belts. To describe them is to describe the Gents. People have made excuse after excuse to try and explain away our success, our victories, the fact that nobody has been able to do what we’ve done.”
“They make excuses while we make history.”
“We’re not perfect, Al. We make mistakes, we get hurt.”
“I spent 3 weeks in the hospital after jumping off a cell!”
“Damn straight. But unlike Zalez and Kitsumi, we’ve never claimed to be perfect. We are human, and we have weaknesses. But you know what? We’ve also got each other.”
“And that’s why we have these belts. That’s why the Tag Champion bumped off the World Champion in Turmoil.”
“Because the Gents may just be a once in a lifetime team.”
“The Cookie Cutters of our Kind? Dime a Dozen egotistical brats who claim to be the future.”
“In three months time they’ll be gone. The wrong answer to a trivia question at some bar’s trivia night.”
“And we will still be here, with the belts the Gents Built.”
“And they’ll be sitting at that bar telling everyone how they used to be employees of the month.”
Teo smiles and gestures to Jenson, and the pair leave Al to return to his work as they go to begin theirs.