Post by Carnivore on Jan 12, 2020 21:22:50 GMT -5
“Brain damage, ever since the day I was born.
Drugs, what they used to say I was on.
They say I never knew which way I was goin'
But everywhere I go they keep playin' my song.”
The lyrics fade out. The scene fades in of Carnivore sitting in front of a microphone, across a table is Raging Dead. The whispery voice of Carnivore speaks from behind his yellow Smiley mask.
Carnivore: Hello, The Cult of Carnivore. Welcome to my radio show, Raw Beef. I’m DJ Carnivore here with Raging Dead. That was “Brain Damage” by Eminem. Last week the world saw me in the US Championship Number One Contender Battle Royal, I'll admit my math was a tiny bit off but I still calculated who the final two men would be in the ring. This week Raging and I are in a tag team match against KOS and Roger Wright. I'm going to mathematically prove that Raging and I will win but all the ways you add, subtract...we come out on top. Raging and I have a fifty percent chance of winning a standard tag team match, plus twenty percent because I don’t fail my New Year’s resolution. Raging and I have a seventy percent chance of winning. KOS and Mr Wright would also have a seventy percent chance of winning since Mr Wright doesn’t fail his New Year’s resolution but since Mr Wright is The Zodiac Killer and from Texas, there is a forty percent chance that he'll get executed because forty percent of all executions take place in Texas. But soon it’ll be time for me to prove to the world that I am not an idiot by getting my math right.
Raging Dead: We’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s tell everyone how we got into this match. MadClan was riding the hype train for a few months… and the fans of Action Wrestling were on the edge of their seats waiting to find out when or where we would strike. Then… it happened in the least expected way. January 6th rolled around and… Madwoman left the business. We knew it was coming, so we decided to carry the MadClan torch all the way to the Tag Team Championships. The powers are taking a chance by setting us loose on KOS and Wright. Later this month… they turn their attention on each other… as they will fight for the United States Championship. Hypothetically speaking… if you and I make it so neither of them makes it to Revolution Three… would we replace them in that title match?
Carnivore: I doubt we’d replace them in the title match if we made it so neither of them made it to Revolution Three but…..it wouldn’t hurt to find out. Anyway, how we got into this match. Well my uncle abused me when I was a kid, it makes it hard for me to sleep at night knowing that. When my dad killed my mom and uncle, I ran away from my home in Atlanta, met a man who took me to New York where I started training in combat sports. I broke out into the mainstream in my forties after working in ECWF and then I was inducted in The ECWF Hall of Fame at Madison Square Garden. I had a short run in HCW before I continued my training in Japan and working in Portland. I was standing tall atop the Portland Pro Wrestling mountain twice. I only debuted in Action Wrestling because of The MadClan so a lot of people have helped me get to where I am at. Ever since debuting in Action Wrestling, the spotlight cast on me weekly is brighter than ever. When the spotlight becomes brighter, I thrive. I had to share the spotlight when I debuted in Action Wrestling but there is nobody worthy of sharing the spotlight with Carnivore.
A long exaggerated sigh from Raging Dead.
Raging Dead: And I went from two years of amnesia… to being one of the best signings everywhere. From Trinity to Action to FWF to Alpha Pro to Showtime. Wherever I go… I succeed. Notice I did not say win. No, I've lost a few times… but longevity is what matters most. See, I've made it nearly three decades in this business. That's longer than the majority of Action's roster has been alive. So many of them have been in this business long enough for a cup of coffee… whereas I perfected the brewing method that they all use. My expertise has not gone unnoticed. Action Wrestling has been very kind to me, allowing me to be the face of the cruiserweight division for a short period of time. Then came the earthquake announcement that the roster was splitting. You all thought I'd be chasing singles gold… but then THIS happened. Surprise? Well… it shouldn't be. We're MadClan for life… not just long enough for a cup of coffee.
Carnivore: Raging and I decided we would team up together and we immediately were given an opportunity to fight The US Champion and Number One Contender. Raging and I didn't even need to prove ourselves because Action Wrestling management took one look at our history, they know what we know. The trials and tribulations that I’ve faced, I've overcome. Overcoming the odds is something I have done my entire career. Anyone who follows my career knows that I'm the man to defy the odds. Maybe I’m the villain in the mind of KOS and Mr Wright. Maybe they think that I don't deserve to be in this tag team match, maybe they think I’m not ready. I will prove KOS and Mr Wright wrong. I will continue to train harder than ever, I will do my very best to prepare for this match. I will prepare like I have never prepared before so I will be ready. I'm willing to give just that much more to prove KOS and Mr Wright wrong. Stepan Malikov and Campbell Chase...they like me or expect great things from me. I earned the respect of those I went to war with. I also want to live up to everyone's expectations. That's why...I will win. I don’t care if I’m the villain. I don’t care if I’m painted as the villain. The big question is that if I’m the villain, are you strong enough to dig down deep to win when there is no chance of winning? KOS and Mr Wright have only a thirty percent chance of winning but that thirty percent chance of winning might as well be a big fat zero.
Raging Dead: And they all think I'M the one with brain damage. Carnivore, I've had some serious trauma in my old noggin… but that… that's a whole different plane of existence. I admire your spirit though. You're really onto something.
Carnivore: I have the spirit of someone who goes through life aggressively and purposefully whether climbing mountains or conquering universes. I continue to work to be the best in the universe. Action Wrestling is a universe that I have not yet conquered. We are going to claw our way up the tag team ranking like we clawed our ways up any other company. Consistency is more important than perfection and we have consistently been top guys. We’re the “underdogs”, and I can’t help but come to the conclusion that we are the good guys.
Raging Dead: I like where your head is at. Maybe the fans will take notice and cheer for us. Should we slap hands with them or would that be silly?
Carnivore: I might slap their hands. For their personal safety… they should keep all limbs on their side of the guardrail and away from you.
Raging Dead: That's a good point. It's been nearly a week since I've torn into the flesh of another human being. How will backwoods mole people of Montgomery react when we do what needs to be done? Will they see us as the heroes of this epic tale or will we be typecast as the villains? Find out next time on--
Carnivore: Hey, this is my show. I end it when I want.
Raging Dead: Oh. Really?
Carnivore: Yes. This is Raw Beef. What I say goes and anything goes here.
Raging Dead: Like… anything anything?
Carnivore: Anything...
Raging Dead: Well… in that case… I would like to start out by saying shame on you, Action Wrestling fans. You put the world on my niece's shoulders… and damn near broke her. She's taken off the mask and now she's just a domesticated human being… like the rest of all of you people.
Carnivore: Whoa! What do you mean “you people”?!
Raging Dead: That was a stretch. She's still a polar opposite of YOU PEOPLE because she has her whole life ahead of her to live, love, laugh, make mistakes, grow. While YOU PEOPLE waste away glued to your seat waiting to find out what zany adventure MadClan will go on next. You already know damn well where we're headed: to the TOP! I didn't come all the way to hold hands and make friends. I've already got friends. MadClan friends. I came to Action Wrestling to do unspeakably terrible things to human beings. The tag team division offers up a buffet to choose from. KOS and Roger Wright are the first place for us… and we're not full until they are turned into waste.
Carnivore: Are you saying we're going to devour them?
Raging Dead: I'm definitely not NOT saying that. I think the people at home get a good sense of what we're about. They know that individually… we could beat King of Squirrels or Roger Wright on any given Monday. Together… we can do--
Carnivore: Did you just say… King of Squirrels?
Raging Dead: Uhh yeah. Isn't that his name?
Carnivore: ….I don't really know. Shit, I didn’t do my homework…..
Raging Dead: Then King of Squirrels it is! When his majesty issued an open challenge last week for his United States Championship… do you remember who was the first to formally accept? It was the Whiteface Thriller… the Undead Underdog… the Raging Dead. And then… mysteriously… nothing happened. He knew in his heart of hearts that there would be a new champion if that match were to take place. When one door closes… another one gets kicked wide open by MadClan.
Carnivore: Yeah, KOS knew if that match was to happen then he’d be royally fucked as champion. But don’t worry, we get opportunities because we fight for opportunities, that’s true for the whole family. Now it's just the two of us. We can make it, just the two of us. You and I.
Raging Dead: … for now. You never know who could be lurking in the shadows… waiting to join the good fight. It's a shame that Kitty and Madwoman aren't around for support… but… there may come a time when they get drafted back to Action. See what I did there? Action… like Action Wrestling… and… oh, I forgot where my head was. Is it cold in here?
Carnivore: Well none of us in the MadClan need to worry about getting drafted. We are either all over the age of twenty five or female. I don’t want to go to war and get tortured like Dackle.
Raging Dead: The only World War Three that matters right now is MadClan vs. Action Wrestling. This is a simple two man invasion… but there could be so much more to come. We could be a Trojan Horse and tomorrow night's Clash could be the gates of Troy. You never know who could pop out of us. That metaphor was going somewhere… and then it got weird. What I'm trying to say is that MadClan is the tag team that Action Wrestling has been waiting for. With such a diverse roster… we are the missing link. Look around at all of the legitimate tag teams… and then there's Squirrels and Wright. They were mashed up as a way to create interest in their match at Revolution Three. If you really think about it… we were put in this position to get them over. Little do they realize we are a well oiled machine.
Carnivore: Yeah, we’re not going to be a cog in the machine. We ARE the machine. Like an industrial meat grinder, we are on that grind.
Raging Dead: Our mechanics are in sync and our prime directive is clear: win.
Carnivore: With that, I mathematically proved that Raging and I are going to win this tag team match. I explain how we got here in this and what this match means to us. This is DJ Carnivore and Raging Dead signing off.
Drugs, what they used to say I was on.
They say I never knew which way I was goin'
But everywhere I go they keep playin' my song.”
The lyrics fade out. The scene fades in of Carnivore sitting in front of a microphone, across a table is Raging Dead. The whispery voice of Carnivore speaks from behind his yellow Smiley mask.
Carnivore: Hello, The Cult of Carnivore. Welcome to my radio show, Raw Beef. I’m DJ Carnivore here with Raging Dead. That was “Brain Damage” by Eminem. Last week the world saw me in the US Championship Number One Contender Battle Royal, I'll admit my math was a tiny bit off but I still calculated who the final two men would be in the ring. This week Raging and I are in a tag team match against KOS and Roger Wright. I'm going to mathematically prove that Raging and I will win but all the ways you add, subtract...we come out on top. Raging and I have a fifty percent chance of winning a standard tag team match, plus twenty percent because I don’t fail my New Year’s resolution. Raging and I have a seventy percent chance of winning. KOS and Mr Wright would also have a seventy percent chance of winning since Mr Wright doesn’t fail his New Year’s resolution but since Mr Wright is The Zodiac Killer and from Texas, there is a forty percent chance that he'll get executed because forty percent of all executions take place in Texas. But soon it’ll be time for me to prove to the world that I am not an idiot by getting my math right.
Raging Dead: We’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s tell everyone how we got into this match. MadClan was riding the hype train for a few months… and the fans of Action Wrestling were on the edge of their seats waiting to find out when or where we would strike. Then… it happened in the least expected way. January 6th rolled around and… Madwoman left the business. We knew it was coming, so we decided to carry the MadClan torch all the way to the Tag Team Championships. The powers are taking a chance by setting us loose on KOS and Wright. Later this month… they turn their attention on each other… as they will fight for the United States Championship. Hypothetically speaking… if you and I make it so neither of them makes it to Revolution Three… would we replace them in that title match?
Carnivore: I doubt we’d replace them in the title match if we made it so neither of them made it to Revolution Three but…..it wouldn’t hurt to find out. Anyway, how we got into this match. Well my uncle abused me when I was a kid, it makes it hard for me to sleep at night knowing that. When my dad killed my mom and uncle, I ran away from my home in Atlanta, met a man who took me to New York where I started training in combat sports. I broke out into the mainstream in my forties after working in ECWF and then I was inducted in The ECWF Hall of Fame at Madison Square Garden. I had a short run in HCW before I continued my training in Japan and working in Portland. I was standing tall atop the Portland Pro Wrestling mountain twice. I only debuted in Action Wrestling because of The MadClan so a lot of people have helped me get to where I am at. Ever since debuting in Action Wrestling, the spotlight cast on me weekly is brighter than ever. When the spotlight becomes brighter, I thrive. I had to share the spotlight when I debuted in Action Wrestling but there is nobody worthy of sharing the spotlight with Carnivore.
A long exaggerated sigh from Raging Dead.
Raging Dead: And I went from two years of amnesia… to being one of the best signings everywhere. From Trinity to Action to FWF to Alpha Pro to Showtime. Wherever I go… I succeed. Notice I did not say win. No, I've lost a few times… but longevity is what matters most. See, I've made it nearly three decades in this business. That's longer than the majority of Action's roster has been alive. So many of them have been in this business long enough for a cup of coffee… whereas I perfected the brewing method that they all use. My expertise has not gone unnoticed. Action Wrestling has been very kind to me, allowing me to be the face of the cruiserweight division for a short period of time. Then came the earthquake announcement that the roster was splitting. You all thought I'd be chasing singles gold… but then THIS happened. Surprise? Well… it shouldn't be. We're MadClan for life… not just long enough for a cup of coffee.
Carnivore: Raging and I decided we would team up together and we immediately were given an opportunity to fight The US Champion and Number One Contender. Raging and I didn't even need to prove ourselves because Action Wrestling management took one look at our history, they know what we know. The trials and tribulations that I’ve faced, I've overcome. Overcoming the odds is something I have done my entire career. Anyone who follows my career knows that I'm the man to defy the odds. Maybe I’m the villain in the mind of KOS and Mr Wright. Maybe they think that I don't deserve to be in this tag team match, maybe they think I’m not ready. I will prove KOS and Mr Wright wrong. I will continue to train harder than ever, I will do my very best to prepare for this match. I will prepare like I have never prepared before so I will be ready. I'm willing to give just that much more to prove KOS and Mr Wright wrong. Stepan Malikov and Campbell Chase...they like me or expect great things from me. I earned the respect of those I went to war with. I also want to live up to everyone's expectations. That's why...I will win. I don’t care if I’m the villain. I don’t care if I’m painted as the villain. The big question is that if I’m the villain, are you strong enough to dig down deep to win when there is no chance of winning? KOS and Mr Wright have only a thirty percent chance of winning but that thirty percent chance of winning might as well be a big fat zero.
Raging Dead: And they all think I'M the one with brain damage. Carnivore, I've had some serious trauma in my old noggin… but that… that's a whole different plane of existence. I admire your spirit though. You're really onto something.
Carnivore: I have the spirit of someone who goes through life aggressively and purposefully whether climbing mountains or conquering universes. I continue to work to be the best in the universe. Action Wrestling is a universe that I have not yet conquered. We are going to claw our way up the tag team ranking like we clawed our ways up any other company. Consistency is more important than perfection and we have consistently been top guys. We’re the “underdogs”, and I can’t help but come to the conclusion that we are the good guys.
Raging Dead: I like where your head is at. Maybe the fans will take notice and cheer for us. Should we slap hands with them or would that be silly?
Carnivore: I might slap their hands. For their personal safety… they should keep all limbs on their side of the guardrail and away from you.
Raging Dead: That's a good point. It's been nearly a week since I've torn into the flesh of another human being. How will backwoods mole people of Montgomery react when we do what needs to be done? Will they see us as the heroes of this epic tale or will we be typecast as the villains? Find out next time on--
Carnivore: Hey, this is my show. I end it when I want.
Raging Dead: Oh. Really?
Carnivore: Yes. This is Raw Beef. What I say goes and anything goes here.
Raging Dead: Like… anything anything?
Carnivore: Anything...
Raging Dead: Well… in that case… I would like to start out by saying shame on you, Action Wrestling fans. You put the world on my niece's shoulders… and damn near broke her. She's taken off the mask and now she's just a domesticated human being… like the rest of all of you people.
Carnivore: Whoa! What do you mean “you people”?!
Raging Dead: That was a stretch. She's still a polar opposite of YOU PEOPLE because she has her whole life ahead of her to live, love, laugh, make mistakes, grow. While YOU PEOPLE waste away glued to your seat waiting to find out what zany adventure MadClan will go on next. You already know damn well where we're headed: to the TOP! I didn't come all the way to hold hands and make friends. I've already got friends. MadClan friends. I came to Action Wrestling to do unspeakably terrible things to human beings. The tag team division offers up a buffet to choose from. KOS and Roger Wright are the first place for us… and we're not full until they are turned into waste.
Carnivore: Are you saying we're going to devour them?
Raging Dead: I'm definitely not NOT saying that. I think the people at home get a good sense of what we're about. They know that individually… we could beat King of Squirrels or Roger Wright on any given Monday. Together… we can do--
Carnivore: Did you just say… King of Squirrels?
Raging Dead: Uhh yeah. Isn't that his name?
Carnivore: ….I don't really know. Shit, I didn’t do my homework…..
Raging Dead: Then King of Squirrels it is! When his majesty issued an open challenge last week for his United States Championship… do you remember who was the first to formally accept? It was the Whiteface Thriller… the Undead Underdog… the Raging Dead. And then… mysteriously… nothing happened. He knew in his heart of hearts that there would be a new champion if that match were to take place. When one door closes… another one gets kicked wide open by MadClan.
Carnivore: Yeah, KOS knew if that match was to happen then he’d be royally fucked as champion. But don’t worry, we get opportunities because we fight for opportunities, that’s true for the whole family. Now it's just the two of us. We can make it, just the two of us. You and I.
Raging Dead: … for now. You never know who could be lurking in the shadows… waiting to join the good fight. It's a shame that Kitty and Madwoman aren't around for support… but… there may come a time when they get drafted back to Action. See what I did there? Action… like Action Wrestling… and… oh, I forgot where my head was. Is it cold in here?
Carnivore: Well none of us in the MadClan need to worry about getting drafted. We are either all over the age of twenty five or female. I don’t want to go to war and get tortured like Dackle.
Raging Dead: The only World War Three that matters right now is MadClan vs. Action Wrestling. This is a simple two man invasion… but there could be so much more to come. We could be a Trojan Horse and tomorrow night's Clash could be the gates of Troy. You never know who could pop out of us. That metaphor was going somewhere… and then it got weird. What I'm trying to say is that MadClan is the tag team that Action Wrestling has been waiting for. With such a diverse roster… we are the missing link. Look around at all of the legitimate tag teams… and then there's Squirrels and Wright. They were mashed up as a way to create interest in their match at Revolution Three. If you really think about it… we were put in this position to get them over. Little do they realize we are a well oiled machine.
Carnivore: Yeah, we’re not going to be a cog in the machine. We ARE the machine. Like an industrial meat grinder, we are on that grind.
Raging Dead: Our mechanics are in sync and our prime directive is clear: win.
Carnivore: With that, I mathematically proved that Raging and I are going to win this tag team match. I explain how we got here in this and what this match means to us. This is DJ Carnivore and Raging Dead signing off.